Sometimes it's just so hard. . . help
By no more
1/24/2012 8:17:05 AM
I struggle with a masturbation addiction, as well as a compulsive eating disorder. "How did I let myself get to this point?" is a question I frequently ask myself. Whenever I over eat, or eat in a way I think is not right, I beat myself up emotionally. I feel alone, and feel like no one will ever want to be with me for eternity someday, and as a way to punish myself, I masturbate. even though I know I'll feel terrible afterwards, but I just can't seem to stop this cycle in my life that has been occuring the past 9 years. I'm 20 years old, going to college, and I live a double life. I get comments all the time that I just look like I'm so happy. I'm a girl who is trying to be happy, but can't seem to get through these things which I've struggled with the past 9 years. I'm trying not to be angry at God for not getting me out, and I'm trying to have faith that somehow I can, but struggling for something for almost half my life puts me to shame. I have talked with 4 of my Bishops over the last couple years, 3 within the last year as I've changed wards. All have sent me on my way, and I have felt clean only meeting with them once or twice- why do I keep reverting back? I feel like my wounds have only gotten deeper and deeper each time I revert. I just want to be clean, and stay clean. I want to feel worthy to marry in the Temple some day, and I want to have enough self esteem to know I am worthy of a guy who holds the Priesthood, and to leave my past in the past. Sometimes it's just so hard.


Never give up    
"I have only worked with one bishop, my current one. There were many times that I lied to my previous bishop. The first time that I talked with him and confessed felt wonderful,I felt clean, and free and uplifted. I felt hope, something I'd not felt in a while. And then I fell. And it was awful, because suddenly that hope was gone. In the 9 months I have been working with mymy bishop, I have never felt quite the same as I did that first meeting.

While I have not struggled for half of my life, I have struggled for a quarter of it. And it really troubles me that I have had a problem for this long. So while its not as long(I'm 16) I can to the degree I can, emphasize with you.

I'm a girl. I struggle with masturbation. When I was really in the worst part of my addiction, I would "punish" myself. Not with food, though I do have an issue with that sometimes, but with causing pain in some manner, because I hated myself so much. I struggle with that also, wondering if I'll be able to find someone who will accept me for who I am, and the fear of wondering if I am able to recover and am sober and no longer a temptation, if I'll be married to someone with similar issues.

This site is a very good support system. I have used it very frequently since November. It helps to have the support.

I see a lot of similarities to me in your post. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.
What I always have to tell myself, is never ever give up.
posted at 10:03:55 on January 24, 2012 by anon16
I feel the same.    
"I'm a junior in college and have had this half my life. Don't worry though. We may be imperfect but we are trying. There is hope for us! You can do it!"
posted at 18:47:46 on January 24, 2012 by iamstrong
You can live up to yourself    
"ANON16 is right. The support system on here is great. We aren't perfect, but your message saddens me that you feel so low on yourself that you think you'll never meet the guy. Can I offer some advice? You will never meet an imaginary man's expectations. You have good things in yourself and be proud of them! You're 20~ live up the great things about being single. I understand that it's hard feeling lonely... but maybe that is one of your triggers? Join an institute committee. There are loving and accepting people there waiting for someone like you. We all have weaknesses that we don't like to admit to others and no one is better or above you in any way. You want to change a bad habit. That's a great accomplishment in itself. Be proud of who you are! We're here for you!"
posted at 20:16:35 on January 24, 2012 by reform2012
You'll find this out later...    
"I like my wife's strengths, but it is her faults that make me admire her. What I mean is that men aren't looking for "perfect". (We wouldn't know what to do with it if we found it.) You are already good enough. You are someone that "strives" to be righteous. That is one of the most attractive qualities in a woman. ACCEPT YOURSELF. Weaknesses and all! And you will attract someone who will accept you, exactly as you are."
posted at 22:58:18 on January 24, 2012 by Anonymous
many of us are the same    
"It is interesting how many of the consistent themes here, such as doing it to punish onesself or, knowing one will feel guilty afterwards, doing it again, are so common. So many of us are in the same trap. We feel badly because we aren't perfect. We focus on our imperfections, particularly whatever our addiction is, especially sexual ones. And we just prolong our imperfections. This is a common theme for both men and women.

I'm not saying that it is the best way, but this is probably one reason I love running so much. For an addict, it's a healthy way to "punish" onesself, but without the guilt.
In the middle of a particularly stressful day, I have to say I enjoy spending lunch hour running. Today was a nice challenging push up some hills. It was difficult and I was hurting partway through. But, it felt great afterwards and I didn't have even the least bit of temptation to go anywhere near porn.
One thing I can say truthfully, I've never had a slip with porn or masturbation after running. For me, a good consistent training schedule is a healthy addition to prayer, scripture study, and obedience to the commandments.
Might not be right for everyone, but it's been great for me. Physical exercise can be a great help.

posted at 13:26:19 on January 25, 2012 by hk-47
I want to be happy    
"I've read your comments over the past couple days, and time and time again I have been brought to tears.I didn't expect to hear back from anyone, but I'm glad I did. It has helped me so much knowing that I'm not the only one who has ever struggled with anything like this, and that what I do doesn't define me as a person. Thank you for your suggestions, and thank you for your help and support. I hope that the more I progress, the more I will come to believe who I really am and accept myself with weaknesses and strengths. I also wish that this would happen over night, but I know it won't. I'm going to be patient for as long as it takes- however long that may be. I want to be happy, and I want to know how my Heavenly Father sees me because it's probably different than what I see when I look in the mirror."
posted at 09:05:46 on January 26, 2012 by no more

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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006