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How do I confess?
By WHATTODO
1/17/2012 5:42:18 PM
Ok. Now that I have actually made a commitment to myself to tell my wife about my deeper struggles (see my blog), I am wondering what steps I should take to prep for this.

She knows that I have struggled with porn in the past, that will be hard for her to hear that I fell back into it but won't be near the shock as all of the other stuff.

I got a few suggestions on my other post, but I was just wanted to address this question directly.

I want to be totally honest, but I don't want to cause unnecassary damage, in other words, can I tell her generally what happened or should I tell her where, when, how many times and with whom?

I keep thinking it would be better for her to know before I go to the Bishop and a professional counselor, so she doesn't feel left out or negated some how. I want her to know that I trust her above any body else (besides God), but I keep seeing people say to talk to the Bishop first and a counselor and then talk to your wife.

I don't know if my wife would appreciate me blindsiding her with this embarrassing confession in the presence of someone she will see every Sunday. Rather, if I told her and told her about my scheduled Bishops meeting and professional counseling session, I am still being proactive, but not leaving her out of the loop. Thoughts? Experiences? Thanks!

This site has rocked my world so far!

Comments:

This is so familiar    
"There is no place to hide after you give a hint not all is well at home, she will know and the questions will come. How you respond to them will determine the health of your relationship in the following days, weeks, months and years.

If you are 80% honest, it will come back to bite you in the butt big time!
I suspect she will do as my wife, a full on cross examination that will last not one day, not one week, not one month but many months. Those questions of why will haunt the living hell out of her.

Best thing to do is be honest 100% honest and only then will the rebuilding begin.

Buddy it has been just over 2 years for me since C-DAY, and she still trusts me as she would a vicious pitbull.

That said a pitbull is not so bad given the progress from Satan, to a hardened criminal to a psycho etc.

There is progress and there will be for you.

Then again she may just react differently than mine did and show her support in a gentle way.

Anyway rambling now, its late but I know what you are going through but things will and only can get better.

God bless Bro"
posted at 20:42:57 on January 17, 2012 by ruggaexpat
Let her choose how much she wants to know    
"I would suggest telling your wife first. In my opinion, that will be a good way to let her know that the lies are going to end NOW. Starting first with her. You might make an appointment with the Bishop/counselor so that when you tell your wife, you already have a plan in place for your next step so she can see you are serious. In my case, my husband was out of town when I found out/he told me, so I met with my Bishop first. It was really helpful for me to receive a blessing from him, so that might be something she would want to consider.

As far as how much you tell her, start with the basics at first. It's going to come as quite a shock and she will likely have a million questions, but find out from her how much she wants to know/when she wants to know it. She may take a few days or weeks to process what you're telling her before she's ready to know more. She might not want to know more. She may be more like me and feel like she needs to know every single detail. (Because without that, my imagination was running wild thinking of every possible scenario, and that was too much. Knowing what actually happened, when, and with whom gave me solid answers.) For me, there came a time when I knew I knew enough, if that makes sense. I prayed to feel a peace when I felt I knew enough and at a certain point, I did. 4 months later, I still have questions come up, but I try to remember that peace I felt and just let them go.

Good luck. I wish I knew more advice but the truth is that everyone is so different and who knows how she will react. Definitely tell her about this site though, so she can come get support and love too."
posted at 12:43:02 on January 18, 2012 by crushedwife
Prayer    
"The best one to give advice is God. Pray with Him and he will guide you and give you revelation. You may want to start with something like this:

Sweetheart, I want to talk to you about something that has been bothering me for a while. Can we pray? (pray) I'm going to tell you something that's gonig to hurt but you need to know. I will tell you as much or as little as you want...

then go from there. I would def suggest a time when you have a lot of time and nothing planned. I would also suggest you pray before you talk to her as well. Again, that opening is just a suggestion.

Good luck, brother. We love you!

~Q"
posted at 19:05:21 on January 18, 2012 by quuephe
Thanks    
"Thank you all for the advice and the support. I wish I would have found this site earlier. I don't comment that much yet, but I have been reading entries every day and gaining encouragement from all of your contributions, struggles and victories. I have been working through some of the hand book when time permits. I have to over come this! I know I need to repent. I have known for a long time. I wish I wouldn't have waited this long and let things get so bad! But better late than never.

A few months ago I probably would have taken my sins with me to the grave and been awaiting a terrible fate at judgement day. Now I am working toward full and complete confession. I am so scared that my wife will hate me. So scared she will not be willing to stick it out with me, I wouldn't blame her. But I am so hopeful that she will try, that she will still love me. If she left me I would die, but at least I would die somewhat ready to meet my maker.

How could a wife ever love or trust her husband again after something like this? I adore you sisters for trying to stick it through. I hope mine will too. I love her more than I know how to say."
posted at 13:14:38 on January 21, 2012 by WHATTODO
worth it    
"I personally am choosing to stick with my husband through this because he is worth it. Our marriage is worth it. He is not a bad person, he just has a weakness. I have weaknesses too, and I am so glad that he chooses to stick with me through them. It took me a while to see it that way, I had my doubts when I first found out and I felt like my whole world was crashing down. I went to the Temple shortly afterward and found such peace there and I felt strongly that I needed to stay in my marriage. Keep working towards getting your life where you want it to be, and keep coming back here for encouragement when you need it."
posted at 06:40:26 on January 23, 2012 by crushedwife


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981