so upset
By anon16
1/2/2012 5:09:16 AM
This week I met with my bishop twice. Because he was concerned as he was seeing a lot of conflict on me. Yesterday when i met with him, I got the sacrament back. Not a bad meeting, but I don't like being told that potentially i will not be able to be at peace and not conflicted until I leave my home.

Because I go back and forth. This past week, I messed up a lot more on porn. But I go t to ³! Days. But last night I wasn't feeling well. I didn't ha ve the control I would've normally. So on the day I got the sacramentback I blew it.

Yesterday I was really upset. For quite a while I was just sitting by myself crying, really depressed and thinking how worthless I was and that I'd never fully be able to repent.and then I got sick and lost control. Blood sugar had something to do with it tho, as I just went to bed without dinner because I wasn't feeling well.

I told my bishop, asked what the consequences of this are. Because he said it wasn't black and while and that i might not lose the sacrament again. But he hasn't responded and it really stresses me out and makes this a lot worse.
The guilt is back with a ve Ry bad feeling of hollowness. I'm so upset at my self. I. Am screwed. I just can't believe I did that.


"Your bishop said what I have felt since I started reading your blogs and responses, but you don't like to hear it. I think that you will do better when you are out on your own, in a situation that is more conducive to your self esteem. It's the first impression I got when reading your initial blogs, but I didn't want to say it out loud. Well, now your bishop has said it and I agree. It might be rough going at first, but I believe it will provide a net profit in your spirituality.

You need to understand that your addictions have psychological roots. The Lord understands this better than any of us, and he sees with perfect clarity what your situation is. But you, like all of us, are a butterfly in a cocoon, and you need to struggle to free yourself from that cocoon. But once you do, your wing muscles will have strengthened to the point that you will be able to fly. And that's the Lord's plan, to empower you to fly.

You're such a wonderful person, I can tell from the spirit that you emanate, but you've been beaten down so often that you don't know it yourself. The adversary, the accuser, is delighted in this, because he loves to see all living things suffer, especially a daughter of God. And he loves to tempt us in the hopes of making us sin, because then he can really put the thumbscrews to us. You're feeling some of that now, and it makes me feel bad for you.

Time to lift your head up and realize that you're a daughter of God. Remember the parable that Jesus told to the Pharisee, about a master who forgave one servant his small debt, and another he forgave a huge debt. Then he asked the Pharisee, which of the two the Master loved more. Even the Pharisee could discern that he loved the second more, because he forgave him more.

You might think this is heresy, but I will tell you that some here, including you, have been issued special challenges precisely so that we can come closer to our Savior. Remember that I have met, spoken with, and known many general authorities in my life, but never have I seen a man who understood the Atonement as well as a recovered porn addict. I truly believe that the man sleeps with a smile on his face. And it's a very infectious smile. Someday, you will be like him. With that same smile. But it won't happen in a day.

Please be a little gentler with yourself, even when you slip. Push yourself towards improvement always, but don't abandon ship because you tear a sail now and then. Just sew it back up and tack into the wind again."
posted at 14:46:26 on January 2, 2012 by dog
made some progress    
"I'm working on it. Not near as bad guilt wise as it was. I couldn't sleep for the guilt that overwhelmed me. The thoughts that i have had the past day have been awful, horrible lies. And I'm not sure why I am thinking things like I'm not worthy to pray, or that I'll never fully be able to repent, that i shouldn't meet with my bishop for a long time if ever, and when i had my headache that i deserved the pain, etc.

I understand triggers a bit better now I think.

I'm still freaked out, but not to the point of not being functional like I was. Thank you. I appreciate that."
posted at 19:25:14 on January 2, 2012 by anon16

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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981