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Nervous
By anon16
12/30/2011 6:25:13 PM
Well, tomorrow is day 30. In a few days, I will be at the longest I've ever gone without mb in several years. At this point I don't have the sacrament. I don't feel I am ready for it. When I start taking the sacrament again, I can't go back. My bishop agrees I think, that I'm not ready. I met with him this week, and am meeting with him this Sunday as well.

And the really dumb thing about that, is a few months ago, I really would have appreciated to the degree I could, meeting with him so soon. Before this wweek it was at least a week and a half.

Now it makes me nervous, and frustrated. Because it makes me feel like I am doing worse, not better. And that makes me more prone to screw up. Because its like, "what's the point?"

A lot of me wants to prove to myself that I can go past 30 days. That this doesn't have to be me. That I can move on, never need to use this site again, or meet with the bishop on a regular basis ever again. I could see that the reason I was given this weakness was because I would either support a friend who's spouse has this addiction, or I would have a husband that struggles with this.

I can come up with good reasons. But I don't have a strong enough reason to completely give this up. My bishop said I was conflicted. And i agree with him. I go back and forth. Some days I never want to mb again, have no desire towards that, or porn. Other days its all I can do not to do something. Right now I am struggling with porn again. And i thought I was over that. Hadn't had an issue or complusion for several months. And now I do. And have been slipping on a regular basis this week. But not mb. I have control over that, but not porn. Right now anyway.

Today I almost went to the temple, just to sit in the foyer.but it didn't work out. And i was devestated. And i almost gave in. I didn't. But I am nervous about going past 30 days. I can't imagine life without this. And that sucks.

Comments:

I found that leaning into the feelings helped me    
"I was given this advice by an addiction counselor.
When you feel the pressure to mess up, " Lean into the feeling". What that means to me is feel out that feeling from a distance. Spy on it. If you go head to head with the temptation, you will eventually lose. I call that locking horns with the devil. Im not strong enough to fight that battle and will lose eventually every time. Instead I try ot examine the feeling from all angles -- whats the cause of it. Why am I anxious? Am I bored? Lonely? Hungry? Tired? Stressed?

I can always find a core reason for the giddiness to acting out. then I try really hard to go do something else. Change my routine. Do a chore for my wife. call someone (this works REALLY well) Write down the feelings. "
posted at 09:00:59 on January 1, 2012 by Hurtallover


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006