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Nervous
By anon16
12/30/2011 6:25:13 PM
Well, tomorrow is day 30. In a few days, I will be at the longest I've ever gone without mb in several years. At this point I don't have the sacrament. I don't feel I am ready for it. When I start taking the sacrament again, I can't go back. My bishop agrees I think, that I'm not ready. I met with him this week, and am meeting with him this Sunday as well.

And the really dumb thing about that, is a few months ago, I really would have appreciated to the degree I could, meeting with him so soon. Before this wweek it was at least a week and a half.

Now it makes me nervous, and frustrated. Because it makes me feel like I am doing worse, not better. And that makes me more prone to screw up. Because its like, "what's the point?"

A lot of me wants to prove to myself that I can go past 30 days. That this doesn't have to be me. That I can move on, never need to use this site again, or meet with the bishop on a regular basis ever again. I could see that the reason I was given this weakness was because I would either support a friend who's spouse has this addiction, or I would have a husband that struggles with this.

I can come up with good reasons. But I don't have a strong enough reason to completely give this up. My bishop said I was conflicted. And i agree with him. I go back and forth. Some days I never want to mb again, have no desire towards that, or porn. Other days its all I can do not to do something. Right now I am struggling with porn again. And i thought I was over that. Hadn't had an issue or complusion for several months. And now I do. And have been slipping on a regular basis this week. But not mb. I have control over that, but not porn. Right now anyway.

Today I almost went to the temple, just to sit in the foyer.but it didn't work out. And i was devestated. And i almost gave in. I didn't. But I am nervous about going past 30 days. I can't imagine life without this. And that sucks.

Comments:

I found that leaning into the feelings helped me    
"I was given this advice by an addiction counselor.
When you feel the pressure to mess up, " Lean into the feeling". What that means to me is feel out that feeling from a distance. Spy on it. If you go head to head with the temptation, you will eventually lose. I call that locking horns with the devil. Im not strong enough to fight that battle and will lose eventually every time. Instead I try ot examine the feeling from all angles -- whats the cause of it. Why am I anxious? Am I bored? Lonely? Hungry? Tired? Stressed?

I can always find a core reason for the giddiness to acting out. then I try really hard to go do something else. Change my routine. Do a chore for my wife. call someone (this works REALLY well) Write down the feelings. "
posted at 09:00:59 on January 1, 2012 by Hurtallover


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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006