Can't Stop Messing Up
By needinghelp
12/29/2011 6:57:38 PM
After the semester ended a few weeks ago, I came back home for the break. I have no friends here, and I don't have much to do either. So I have messed up almost every single day for the past two weeks. I can't even go one day without giving in! I've been experiencing the BLAST triggers (bored, lonely, angry, stressed, and tired) almost every day, especially the first two. What do you guys do to help you with those triggers? Thank you for your help, I really need it.


I'm feeling the same thing...    
"I logged on and was going to blog basically the same exact thing. I'm just home for break and I keep messing up. I talked to my Bishop before the semester ended about how I was scared to go home because I thought this would happen and we just talked a lot about how recovery can not be circumstantial. About how I need to be the real me no matter where I am, who I'm with, always... I don't know how really but we've just got to keep trying. We can do this. And I look forward to reading everyone's advice too."
posted at 19:56:12 on December 29, 2011 by Iamstrong
"I am in a situation where at any time, I could slip back into my addiction and just give up. I have a lot of time, the resources and what not. But I tell myself to wait. That I can make it to the next day. And then when I get there, I have the courage from being able to make it thawt day, to go on.

And this doesn't always work for me. But it does enough that I thought i'd suggest it. Also, find a good distraction. Maybe knitting. Sounds dumb, especially if you are a man, but doing something with your hands really really helps."
posted at 22:10:33 on December 29, 2011 by anon16
That's the whole point    
"is to be put in situations that are not only not ideal, but which seem to be detrimental to our recovery, yet still get through, or at least we fight back the best we can, though we mess up from time to time.

I spoke to the Lord about this very thing in prayer some months ago, and I told him that the stronger I got (looking back more than 4 decades to when I was 19), the worse my circumstances got, until I was crushed and forced into seeking addiction. And I felt this immediate warm light and glow telling me that I finally understood it. I finally got it.

Yes, every time I got into the Red Zone and was about to score (when I was not addicted), the Heavens (it seemed) moved the goal line another mile farther away and on a 70 degree uphill grade.

Believe me, two bishops have helped me be addicted, one who thought that there was nothing wrong with mb (right after I was rebaptized and had pretty well overcome this), and another who convinced me I was stark raving mad and had no accurate perceptions of reality (rather terrifying) which drove me again into the arms of mb. Then when I asked him about it -- after I had started acting out again -- he said, no, that's not what he meant, that I was perfectly in tune with reality, etc., etc. But by then, the damage had been done.

Part of this process of recovery is learning, and maybe the following will help: you need to get rid of all your addictions and NOT START any new ones, as innocent as they might seem, particularly television, computer games, food, blogging, co-dependency (being addicted to a person), whatever. If you are involved in any other activity to a pathological degree (including blogging/posting on this website), you need to stop NOW. You can. You do have the strength to stop these satellite addictions. Get rid of them and you'll see how much more strength you have to stop your main addiction.

Because that's what we tend to do: we replace one addiction with another. But the old one is never really replaced, because we'll always go back to it at some time if we don't stop acting out on the new, "innocent" addictions. Because you're stroking the same pleasure center in your brain, which is the ultimate masturbation, be it sexual or not, it is the same as if it were sexual. Even though it's something as seemingly innocuous as online (or real life) chess. I testify that my words are true.

Please, all of you (and all your bishops, family, and friends who know you have this problem), see the "Pleasure Unwoven: a Personal Journey About Addiction" DVD by Dr. Kevin McCauley. This will explain you to you...and to your loved ones. This should be required viewing for every Priesthood and Relief Society leader. It's great, and it's non-judgmental, and it might help you to get a handle on your problems.

If you find yourself substituting addictions (and you almost certainly will), stop now. These "collateral addictions" as I call them, or "satellite addictions," will keep you bound to the same pattern of stroking that pleasure center, which will inevitably invite you back to your old ways with an irresistible invitation, especially at times of great stress.

That's what the Spirit revealed to me: I need to be more than a sunshine patriot and a summer soldier, I need to fight through the Valley Forges and the hard times too. But it won't happen in a day. The Lord knows that. As I've said several (thousand) times, recovery for most of us will come after repeated cycles of slipping and success, but it will eventually come. As we understand ourselves better, as we try harder, as we chronicle our successes, and as we fill our lives with better things, recovery will eventually come.

Every one of us is wounded, and most of us addicts don't appreciate how serious those wounds are. Not to use this as an excuse, but just to generate some understanding of ourselves. And others.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I'm not talking about an extended period of white knuckling here, but just some concerted, repeated efforts, plus a lot of reliance on the Lord. And it's the accumulation of success cycles that will finally tip the balance in our favor and permit us full recovery. And there might be some for whom recovery might not come until the next life. But you will be exalted in the next life if you keep on trying. Even if you stop trying from time to time and give up. Just get back up again and fight again with what little strength you have.

My heart breaks for you all, for everyone posting or "lurking" on this website. I am the same as all of you, so I'm not speaking from the standpoint of recovery. But I've had times of great temptation during times of absolute torment and distress and dread and anxiety, but then I ended up not even having the desire to act out. Not even the desire.

We're all butterflies in the cocoon. We all have to undergo a protracted struggle in order to develop the wing muscles that will enable us to fly. No one else can do it for us. But with the Lord's help and our repeated efforts, we will all fly. Every single one of us."
posted at 22:37:53 on December 29, 2011 by dog
Oh, and btw, anon16    
"I wasn't suggesting that knitting is an alternative addiction (though it could become one, it's just a matter of two things: 1) how much time you spend doing it, and 2) how intense it feels as you're doing it). When I began writing my post (I'm at work waiting for things when I post here), you hadn't posted your response yet.

So it was a surprise to me that when I hit the "comment" button, it fluttered for a second, and then I saw your post come up before mine, because it wasn't there when I started typing. So please don't take it as a jab, it was totally coincidental.

And for those who think knitting is only for pantie waists, do a Google search on "Roosevelt Grier" , one of the Fearsome Foursome of the Los Angeles Rams back in the day (Merlin Olsen was one of the Foursome, too). Roosevelt loved to knit as a hobby.

In fact, I just did a search on him, and some images of him came up, and one of them shows him not knitting, but CROCHETING. Dude, I don't know about you, but I'd never call him a pantie waist : )

So yeah, if it helps, knit or crochet."
posted at 23:04:52 on December 29, 2011 by dog
Needing Help    
"Often, you feel so distraught over your slip, you end up acting out again to mask the pain. But, it's a downward cycle. I know how difficult and discouraging this can be.

Just start with one day. Schedule out a plan for the entire day, doing things involving other people. Try and include as many acts of kindness as you can. Even something as simple as dusting the furniture or cleaning the kitchen. Do you have any older relatives that are alone and could use a visit?

Stick to your plan. When you make it through the first day, make a detailed plan for the next day. One day at a time.

Once you break the cycle, fill your days with good deeds and avoid the situations that have got you in trouble in the past.

I hope this bit of advice can get you through this tough time. I will be praying for you. We know what you are going through because we have been there too. Don't give up hope!"
posted at 02:26:13 on December 30, 2011 by Ilmw
Thanks guys    
"Thank you all for your responses and your prayers. I need them both. You guys answered a lot of the questions I had but didn't ask."
posted at 13:23:20 on December 31, 2011 by needinghelp

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987