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Making Descisions
By anon16
12/19/2011 12:50:06 PM
This time of the month for me is the hardest. It's when I'm a lot more hormonal, and more prone to mb. But I didn't give in,because I was at church. I'm too afraid of being caught at church.

Today I'm not as tempted. But I realized, as I was thinking.
First. I want to be done. I want to be done with this whole thing. I want to stop working with my bishop, the counselor, and having to worry about school and being able to make it.

I thought about it, I realized several things. For me to completely repent, feel godly sorrow and forsake this, I have to want it 100%. My resolve needs to be unshakable. I cannot give in. I can't even entertain the thought.

I cannot go back into the same hole I was in before. I'm only now realizing how disgusting it was. And how progressive. When I first started reading porn, I couldn't stand it. Then, I got to the point where a book was boring, if it didn't have sex.

My bishop is being a lot more blunt with me. We are discussing what starts the 30 days over. Apparently any "self stimulation" does. And I was rude. Because if I try, and resist the temptation, but I start mbing anyway, and that counts as a screw up, then I'm damn well going to finish. And I told him that. A little less politely.

I want to be done. And I am going to. I can do hard things, even when I'm sober.

Comments:

You CAN do hard things. I like that.    
"I just want you to know it is wonderful that you are visiting this site, posting your honest feelings. You know that your feelings are not 100% pure, but you are willing to post them anyway. You know that you WANT to overcome and to stop, but you also WANT to keep giving in to your temptation. You are doing the right thing by expressing yourself through writing.

It is also wonderful that you are working with your Bishop, even though you don't always like what he has to say. Trust him and follow his counsel, and it will bring great blessings; even if his counsel isn't always the best counsel. He is called of God, and he truly has the right to receive wisdom and counsel on your behalf.

You are not alone. There are many, many more girls who have the same struggles as you who DON'T visit their bishop. They DON'T post on websites, and they DON'T try to overcome. You are a valiant one. You are a good one. You are trying to overcome, and that makes you a very good person. Don't forget that. Keep trying. Keep getting back up when you fail. Keep trying to achieve godly sorrow and to make God the center of your life, and you will eventually overcome, with his help.

Finally, as proof that you can overcome, I want to share a story RARELY shared, but I have permission to share it. Before she met me, my wife struggled with mb throughout her entire teen years. Then, one day, she truly realized she shouldn't be doing it. She realized that it offended God, that it drove away the Spirit. She realized that giving in to mb was giving in to her body, and that she had come to this earth to gain a body and to learn to control it. She realized that she needed to let her spirit, not her body be in control. She decided to stop, and she did! She has been clean ever since--for more than ten years.

That may not be your story. It certainly wasn't my story. And it may not be the story for most of us on this site. But it DOES show that someone who had this struggle for many years can stop, and stop for good. Some people can stop in an instant, like my wife. Others can stop slowly over many years, as is my case, with God's help. Still others will take a lifetime to stop. But, we can all stop, with the Lord. I know that's true. Don't ever give up."
posted at 13:52:24 on December 19, 2011 by beclean
I love what BECLEAN said    
"and I love what you said, anon16, about godly sorrow and being disgusted and wanting to be done with this. I will respectfully disagree, however, with your attitude about "finishing" if you start, just because that means you have to start counting your days of sobriety over again.

If you just start and then stop, you're improving, even though it's a slip-up and counts against your days of sobriety. Be more concerned about getting better and improving rather than whether it counts against your days of sobriety."
posted at 14:45:15 on December 19, 2011 by dog
..    
"Thank you for sharing the story about your wife. I really needed that.

At this point, I haven't gotten there. In a lot of ways, God is abstract for me, and not something that I understand at this point. It hasn't sunk in for me the bad effects this has had on me, its skewed my opinions and etc.

It might be progress, and I think that was what my Bishop was originally thinking, but its not now. Its just another day of giving in. And when I force myself to stop, I've always gone back to it, and having the discouragement of having to start over anyway will not help."
posted at 08:48:06 on December 20, 2011 by anon16
You're going to win this war, anon,    
"but it's going to take some time and repeated efforts. It's inspiring to hear of those who have just quit and never gone back, and we should emulate those examples to the best of our abilities. Even more inspiring to me are those who fall and rise, fall and rise, and fall and rise again, then, after a period of years, find lasting recovery.

For most of us, recovery comes after a series of successes and slip-ups, periods of sobriety followed by periods of relapse. It's a bumpy road that can be very discouraging. But it's the accumulation of repeated efforts and (possibly ambiguous) successes that add up to a point where we can say good-bye to our addictions forever.

Yagottawanna.

Be honest with the Lord and tell Him that you don't really have the desire to get rid of this (if that's the case), but that you would like to develop the desire not to have the desire to have these addictions any longer. It's a "Lord, help thou my unbelief" kind of thing (i.e., "I don't really have the faith that my daughter will be healed, but I want to have that faith," and that faith was given to him and his daughter was healed).

Being honest and totally candid with the Lord has helped me so much. And I see so much improvement in you, though I don't think you sense it yet. Just keep on trying, try hard, but rely on the Lord. This will require repeated efforts on your part and may involve many slip-ups, but don't abandon yourself just because you have a hiccup now and then.

The main thing is to know that you are a daughter of God, to realize that you are his child, and that he wants you to succeed gloriously. That is your individual plan of salvation, your personalized, customized plan of happiness.

And you're going to win this war, but only with the help of the Lord. Rely on him."
posted at 15:37:02 on December 20, 2011 by dog
You can do it.    
"I look up to you. You can do anything if you believe. And you can do this. I just wanted to tell you how great you are. Be strong."
posted at 21:17:00 on December 20, 2011 by iamstrong


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

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General Conference May 1987