By getthrough
12/19/2011 11:56:34 AM
Will I ever change for real?? We I always cave back in to my addictions? I know I am not back where I started.....but still going down roads that I should not. I want to be happy. I am sick of the games. I am sick of the up and downs with my addiction. I am sick. I want to scream. what richard G scott said is screaming in my head. He stated
"lucifier will do all in his power to kepp you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whisper "no one will ever know." "it's too late you have gone to far.""You can't change; you have tired before and failed."
that last one has been ringing in my ears. A consist thought that I can't read of. I believe it. I did my part. I tired to hard to become worthy to be in the temple. The addiction is too strong. I will always hav problems. I love it too much. everyday I start giving in because I want to be worthy. But my thoughts are being filled with filth. I want to do more mb. I push my limits and stop right I get all the way there because then I tell myself I'm worthy. I am trying. but more red flags!
I want to get married to this amazing guy just so I won't worry about going to far with him. So that we can have s-x. That we won't be tempted to go all the way now and make mistakes. It would work......but then I feel terrible that I don;t believe I can controll myself. That I have given satan the power. I want intimacy to be beautiful. I want to just get married....becuase how I look at it, if we don't get married soon we will probably end up messing up. so that fixes that problem. But I know it won't I will still want more, I don't want to ruin a marriage. But I really do love him. s-x wouldn't be the only thing wonderful in our marriage. right? or am I just compeltely blind and crazy!???


A Realistic Timeline    
"it sounds like you are pretty serious with this guy. Does he know about your struggles to overcome your addiction? If he does, is he doing his part to keep you safe, away from your temptations? Or, is he taking advantage of your weakness and making it more difficult for you? If he doesn't know yet, and you are serious enough to be talking about marriage to him, perhaps you should let him know. You must be completely honest with your future spouse, and if this man might become your spouse, you should find a way to let him know and see if he is willing to fight this battle with you.

To answer your first question, I am confident that you WILL change for real. You can become a different, new creature through Christ. i was thinking recently when the temptation came for me to look at porn how different my reaction was than 10 years ago. It used to be that when the temptation would come, I would have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I would think to myself, "Oh, no, here it goes again. It's inevitable. I can't avoid it." And I would crash. Now, when the temptation comes, I don't have that feeling at all. Instead, I feel, "Yes, I want to look at porn. But I don't have to, and I won't." Then, I tell my wife of my temptation, and she thanks me for letting her know. I read my scriptures, I read this site, and I go about my daily business, and the temptation goes away. I know I am a different person than I was years ago. There is real progress.

But that doesn't mean I am not still tempted. I will probably always be tempted. But I know that I can overcome because of Christ. I am not afraid any more.

As you know, the Lord says he allows no temptation stronger than we can withstand, nothing more powerful than we can bear. He says he makes a way for us to escape. However, he also says that he gives weaknesses so that we can be humble, THEN his grace will be sufficient for us. Personally, I don't think the Lord is saying that we will be strong enough to avoid and escape from EVERY temptation that comes. There may be a day of temptation that, because of our past choices, sins and habits, we have no possible way to escape. However, when you look at it with a lifetime perspective, I know that God has prepared a way for us to escape from our temptations. Over the course of our lives, if we humble ourselves before God and learn that we truly do "Need Thee EVERY Hour," then his grace will be sufficient, and he will make weak things become strong for us.

It has taken years for me to change the way I feel when temptation comes. Sometimes, it requires years of effort and a lot of patience and faith to change. Keep going. Keep trying. Keep getting back up when you fail. Keep trying to turn your life over to the Lord. I have no doubt that he will give you the strength to overcome--in his own time! If it were quick and easy, your strength and faith would not grow as much as it will when you take it one step, one day at a time.

Speaking of patience: intimacy and sex in a marriage ARE (or can be) beautiful--nothing like what you expect when your mind is full of porn and selfishness. In my understanding, however, it typically takes years for a couple to develop their intimacy to that point. Porn and selfish mb hinder that progress greatly. Keep working to free your life of these things. Fill your life with the Lord!"
posted at 13:10:54 on December 19, 2011 by beclean
The reason you "love it too much"    
"is because you're doing what every other addict does, and that is, you are medicating yourself with it. I can't stress this enough. Addictions aren't about sex, drugs, and gambling, they're about pain, anxiety, loneliness and boredom, among other things. And we comfort ourselves with our "drug of choice." And that's what you're doing. Just like me and everyone on this site. And I am 1/20th the man I should be because of it. Are you 1/20th the woman you should be because of it?

It doesn't matter that I was sexually abused when I was 5, that I had a toxic family, an even more toxic mission, and a totally, screaming mad toxic experience at BYU grad school. That's all shiznit under the bridge. All that matters is what I do about it. And I'm stopping it. I refuse to be intimidated by it, and if I relapse 500 times, I'll still get back up and fight again.

My feeling is that for most of us, relief comes after months or years of struggle, relapses, etc., but at some point, we will be given more than enough strength to manage. I think that you're in a downward part of a cycle. Please don't give up on yourself.

As far as your relationship with this guy is concerned, I don't know what to say. Being in love is different for all of us. But you both know right from wrong. Pray about it."
posted at 15:17:52 on December 19, 2011 by dog
what to do...    
"Thank you for the replies.
yes, my boyfriends knows. yes he is amazing. Yes, he helped me get back in the temple. we have been dating for a year. We have planned to get married. He has a ring and everything, but I have felt prompted to go on a mission. I am now beign selfish becuse I wnat to be married. I dont want to wait and I know he would be an amazing husband. I cant go on a mission for a year. That is a long time....too long for us to mess up. I love him and do not want to lose him. I do not think I am ready for a mission. I just want to get married....but I am scared that I am just getting married for sex. But I do love him."
posted at 17:05:16 on December 19, 2011 by getthrough
Mission Prompting    
"You say you have felt prompted to go on a mission.

Promptings from the Lord are interesting things. They can be difficult to understand. I assume, since you are posting these things on this site that you are looking for people to respond and make suggestions. Here are a couple.

Be sure you are certain you know what the prompting said before you say you are certain you know.

In other words, a prompting could say:
"I have a mission for you," OR
"You could turn in mission papers," OR
"You must turn in papers and serve a mission," OR
"You must turn in papers and serve a mission NOW."

All four of those promptings have completely different meanings. Starting a family can be a mission. Or, a mission can be years in the future.

I am one who believes that the Lord rarely dictates specifically what we are supposed to do with our lives. He gives general instructions to prophets, he inspires us to follow those general instructions, and he prompts us when we are getting dangerously close to doing something WRONG. Otherwise, he lets us choose by ourselves which of the many GOOD options we have--he gives us agency. Although we might want him to, Heavenly Father rarely tells us that we must choose one particular good option out of many, in my experience. If he were to tell us which option to choose, then that would instantly make all of the other options wrong, and he would have to condemn us if we chose one of those. Furthermore, he wouldn't be able to congratulate us for making the right choice, because we would be nothing more than a "slothful and not a wise servant," needing to be commanded in all things.

What I'm getting at is that, in my experience, God lets us choose and doesn't tell us exactly how to proceed with our life, even if we plead with him constantly for guidance. I would be surprised if he gave me direct revelation to do something that the prophets have already said I should do, and I would be even more surprised if he gave me direct revelation to do something that the prophets have said I should not do. Finally, I would be surprised if he gave me revelation on something that he has not yet revealed to the prophets.

Did I just completely write off all personal revelation from God?

No. But I think God expects me to make my own decisions, based on what the prophets have said, and THEN ask him if it be right. Then, as long as my decision is a good one, I expect to feel reasonably good about it. If it is not a good one, I expect to feel bad about it. Either way, it's my decision, and I don't wait for him to tell me what to do.

When I look back on my life and think about the time the Lord has spoken to me, I think he has more often said, "Yes, that would work, too..." than "This is what you must do."

If you have been dating your boyfriend for a year, and he is as wonderful as you describe him, it is no wonder you want to have sex with him. ANY NORMAL COUPLE THAT HAS BEEN DATING FOR THAT LONG WANTS TO HAVE SEX. Furthermore, WANTING TO HAVE SEX IS ONE MAJOR REASON FOR WHY MOST GOOD MORMON COUPLES GET MARRIED. This does not make you bad or abnormal.

If you feel God has told you to turn in mission papers and serve a mission now, then go, and life will be infinitely better because you obeyed.

Otherwise, consider that God may be letting you choose between several good options. Make YOUR choice."
posted at 19:12:21 on December 19, 2011 by beclean
"I am sure you already know this but just to be sure, I will state the obvious.

Marriage does not solve sexual addiction. Look at how many married people are on this website.

I am a MB addict, and when I was a much younger man, I assumed that when I got married I would have a healthy and holy way of getting my sexual "fix." Turns out, I wasn't addicted to sex, I was addicted to MB.

I was/am addicted to 30 second, selfish, sex-on-demand, with mental images that are unrealistic and hypersexual. That is what MB is about.

I was not addicted to intimacy, to relationship building, to unselfishness and solicitude of someone else's feelings. That is what sex within marriage is about.

I think it is interesting that I have had dozens of days when I would MB in the double digits, but you just cannot be intimate with an actual person that often. I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally, it is far more exhausting to create an emotional connection than to do something purely physical. Sex and MB are simply two different things.

I agree with BeClean -- it is not necessarily wrong to consider your desire for sex when deciding WHEN to get married; my wife and I had a very short engagement after we had decided to marry, primarily because I wanted to minimize the risk of going to far. But it IS a problem if you are relying on the fact that because marriage has a sexual aspect it will replace a sexual addiction.

As for the question of whether you should serve a mission or get married, nobody on this site can answer that for you and I doubt any of us will try. Choose which one you want to do and start moving in that direction. If you are trying to keep the Spirit in your life, He will guide you."
posted at 21:08:02 on December 19, 2011 by DH
Amazing Guy    
"It sounds like your boyfriend/fiance has been an amazing influence in your life, especially if he has helped you become worthy to go to the temple and is aware of your addiction.

The General Authorities have always stated that there is no obligation for a young woman to go on a mission and to not pass up the opportunity to marry a worthy man in the temple.

I agree with the great comments above, getting married will not solve an addiction, but it sounds like you are on the right track, especially with your current boyfriend.

Wanting to have sex with the person you love is a good thing, I am worried about anyone who does not have strong desires for sex with someone they want to marry.

Only you can receive revelation for yourself. Both marriage and a mission are great things. (The Lord will probably not give you negative feelings about wanting to serve a mission) So I would recommend praying about getting married to your Great Guy. If you also get a great feeling about getting married, its probably the Lord telling you to make your own choice.

Good luck to you, it sounds like you are truly making progress!"
posted at 16:07:54 on December 21, 2011 by ilmw

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***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990