Scared about what's next
By anon16
12/14/2011 6:31:26 AM
Last night I met with my Bishop. It was a pretty good meeting, one of the better ones that I've had. I asked him, flat out, when realistically I could start taking the sacrament again. He said 30 days was how long I needed to go.

If I don't screw up, I can start taking the sacrament on the 1st, which will be 30 days. After that, potentially I'll be able to start going to the temple in middle of Jan to Feb. I need to get my endorsement by the middle of Feb.

Today I woke up with dread. If I slip, I'll have to wait another 30 days, and might not be able to get an endorsement in time. My bishop suggested push ups, to get rid of energy, something that I think I'll need to do. I think it will make the depression better as well, doing something physical like that.

I'm scared to lose the support of my Bishop, and also writing here. I don't have other places to have support like that, and I'm afraid that I'll end up relapsing - or doing a lot worse.

Before, it was a huge issue for me,but not as much now. It was an addiction. To a degree it still is, but not near as strong of urge. I did it every day, almost every day and I binged a lot. I was in a haze somedays, because the urge was so strong. I've not had that for quite a while.

A lot of me is scared to give it up though, or to really try. Because if I fail,then I'll be really discouraged because my best isn't good enough. I've never put my full effort into anything because I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

I am seeing the counselor today, and I'm hoping she can put this in perspective. Right now the pressure is on, and I don't do well with pressure. I did get my spinning wheel working, so that's a distraction and something I'm happy about.I am focusing on my goals, and trying.I'm just not sure that it's good enough.

I just really don't want to fail.and yet part of me just doesn't want to give it up, and wants to just go on like this forever. And a part of me doesn't. My bishop is also focusing on my getting a testimony and getting me to the point where I'll live the standards because I want to. But I don't think that'll go on when I overcome this(if I am able to)


You can do it!    
"Seriously. Remember your goals. Don't let urges become more important to them. If your goals don't work, then you need goals that you care more about.

And don't be too afraid to try. Your best might not be good enough. But if you give your best to the Lord, He'll take care of you. And His strength is MORE than good enough. It is perfect. So don't be afraid. The Lord said Fear not like a million times. And He is saying it to you.

You have progressed so much. Not you've gone so many days. But you really have changed. And you can do anything if you believe and trust in God.

But I understand why you are afraid. I am afraid everyday that I will screw up and having gone as long as I have, that would devastate me. But I'm trying to replace that fear with faith. Faith that God will protect.

Keep it up."
posted at 13:11:20 on December 14, 2011 by iamstrong
what works for me...    
"I have had to learn to identify my triggers and moods.
Am I feeling antsy, anxiety, moody, fantasies? victim, felling like wife hates me, lonely, tired, whatever.

all of those feelings leave me vulnerable and considering to slip. I have learned that when I sense those feelings, that I need to DO something else. LEAVE the room. CALL someone.
I will call my SAA grop peers, a friend, do some chores, and next thing I know Im not thinking about it anymore.

Before I learned these tools, I would pit my will power against the tempation to MB. I would dwell on it. I could last a few days and weeks. But I eventualy would fail. I failed because I was going head to head with temptation. None of us can will that battle. Maddy said we have to step out of the fight and let Christ fight. We need to leave the ring and DO something else.

If you arent finding peace, keep looking for tools to manage the stress. good luck!"
posted at 17:57:26 on December 14, 2011 by Hurtallover
I have to agree with IAMSTRONG,    
"you have changed, you have progressed. There's a different tone to your blog here. Just keep fighting, and enlist the Lord's help. Pray for strength. Pray for a testimony. Pray to be like those people who heard King Benjamin's speech: their very dispositions changed so that they had "no more disposition to do evil, but had only the disposition to do good continually." Pray to be like them.

We're all cheering for you to win this battle."
posted at 18:44:57 on December 14, 2011 by dog
be strong    
"You will never lose the support of your bishop. You will never lose the support of those on the site. Most of all, you will never lose the support of your father in heaven, who loves you. You will not fail, with christ. You may lose a battle or 2, but you will win the war. The enemy may score against you a few times, but your team will win. Those who are 4 you are more than those who are against you. You might have a few bad days, but you will have a good life.

You are a good, no a great, person. All people struggle with problems. That does not make you bad. Bad people do not try to overcome their problem. Good people have problems, and try to overcome them. This makes you a good person.

It sounds like you have an awful lot of fear. Fear that your bishop will forsake you. Fear that people will not love you for who you are. Fear that you will fail. Fear that you will not get to go to the temple.

Please don't be afraid. Have faith! Have faith in your savior. He loves you. And while he may let you struggle, because this will help you grow, he will save you, if you have faith in him. Reach out to him in every way that you can. Put your savior first in your life.

Please don't be so afraid, of failure or anything else. It is not the end of the world, and you are a wonderful person. You are worth dying for, and that is exactly what your savior did for you. Turn to him and let him wrap you in his arms of love."
posted at 09:59:32 on December 16, 2011 by beclean
I found you in the scriptures    
"After my last post, I did my scripture reading for the day. I found some verses that reminded me terribly of you, miss anon16. I don't know if they will remind you of you, but they reminded me of you.

Read Zephania chapter 3 verses 14-17. Everytime the prophet speaks of israel or jerusalem or zion or of the daughter of zion, put your own name in there.

Sometimes it is hard to read to the king james version of the bible. Try this version of the scriptures."
posted at 10:23:03 on December 16, 2011 by beclean
Don't worry about the next 30 days.....    
"Worry about today, then tomorrow, then Sunday. Recovery is one day at a time...just like you've always heard. Get into a 12 step group and start working through the steps. It will also take your mind off the triggers.
If you can't attend a group meeting, get a book, and work it with your Bishop. Your Bishop has the keys to help you negotiate the "sin" accompanied by your addiction, but only you can work through the triggers and cravings. Exercise is a good start. Get some books, or download some podcasts and do some studying about your addiction. Get in touch with the inner you and try to find out what lies beneath the triggers. You have a great life in front of you. You are luck and brave to be confronting your struggles head on at such an early age. Many of us on here have gone years trying to battle this on our own. You have help here and YEARS of wisdom....use it! Good luck young brother!"
posted at 19:46:35 on December 16, 2011 by chefdalet
thank you    
"Thank you all, I really appreciate your responses. Yes. I do have a lot of fear, about the future, and being an adult, etc. I still haven't figured out all of my triggers. Reading leads to Mb for me, but what is a trigger for reading in the first place? I haven't figured it out yet. Be clean, the Scripture reminds me of what my bishop is always saying. I'm trying to get there though. Chefdalet, I will work harder at that. Completely giving this up scares me. It is intimidating to think about never doing it again. My bishop does not consider this an addiction. There are times I don't either. And then I drop my guard."
posted at 11:21:03 on December 17, 2011 by anon16

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"In a decaying environment, the mind is the last redoubt of righteousness, and it must be preserved even amid bombardment by evil stimuli. Christ is competent to see us through, “for in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted” As promised, He will make either “a way to escape” or a way “to bear it”."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987