In need of support
By getthrough
12/10/2011 10:11:15 PM
Hello everyone. I am not really new to this has been a really long time and I cannot remember the password or I said WAY too long since I have been on here. I love this site it helped me greatly!

A little bit about me. I am a 20 year old femal suffering from mb, abuse, bulemic and depression. I was abused at a 6-9ish year old. Because of this I suffer from post-traumtic stress disorder. Through a women group I have attended I have come to know more about PTSD and realize that it is real. I have always thought I was crazy!! I am grateful that I am able to get to know myself better, even though at times the tiggers are overbearing, overwhelming and exhausting. Because of being introduced to mbing at a very young age I have been addicted ever since. Because of that mb problem it had lead me to mess around with many different men, something I am not proud of.

I have just recently been able to attend the temple worthy. It has been the biggest blessing of my life. I worked for years to get back. I am now starting to have issues again. I don't want to start a cycle over. I don't want to be the lustful/unhappy girl I used to me. I am struggling, I want to be done. I want to be strong.

I have so much to be grateful for. This site is one of them. I just need support. I need you guys to be angels to get me through the hard days, and hopefully I can be there for you.

If anyone is going through Post-traumtic stress I would love to know more about it and get tips. And from all of you I would love any tips. I am so glad to be back on this site.

my prayers are going out to you....ALL of you.




Kinda in the same boat...    
"19 year old girl that recently became temple worthy. I struggled with porn/mb and have gone quite some time but I am struggling. It doesn't always get easier. But the blessings do always get better. If you ever need someone to just talk to, I'm here. I've been corresponding with some people here by email and if you ever needed me we could do that. Keep it up sista!"
posted at 04:15:08 on December 11, 2011 by Iamstrong
Thank you!!    
"Thank you so very much! I am so glad I found another gal on here....before they weren't many. I would love to get to know you better. Thank you for your support. Please know that I am always here for you too. It has been a long road, but I know that there are great blessings that come from it. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
posted at 12:43:15 on December 11, 2011 by getthrough
"I'm also a girl as well, but I'm only 16, and just have an issue with mb and depression occasionally. I really enjoy reading posts by women, because you understand, in some ways better then a man can. Thank you for your post."
posted at 17:36:10 on December 11, 2011 by anon16
Welcome back    
"I am newish here. Welcome back. Doesn't matter what brings us here...just that we are trying to heal through Jesus. Nice to meet you."
posted at 22:14:58 on December 12, 2011 by maddy
Im so glad to hear that you're Temple worthy    
"just keep working to remain that way. You say that you're hitting some turbulence, that you're starting to have issues again and that you're afraid of relapsing. What issues are you having specifically, if you don't mind my asking? Do you just feel like you're weakening and that you're going to relapse?

One thing we all seem to agree on is that in order to attain true sobriety, we must discover the roots of our problems, and then pull them out. For most sex addicts, if not all, very low self esteem and depression/ptsd seem to be the roots of our addictions, while porn, or anxiety, or fear, or painful memories, etc., or any combination of the above, are the triggers.

The idea, I think, is to unravel the roots of our addictions, i.e., we should work on improving our self esteem, which will help to get rid of our depression, etc. And we should try to understand our PTSD.

In my opinion, PTSD occurs when your trust mechanism is completely destroyed and you no longer have the capacity to trust (and this might be in specific areas, though I have huge trust issues in general).

I knew someone whose brother came back from 'Nam and went to a psych ward (apparently permanently). He had seen so many men get their legs blown off from booby traps, that he would get absolutely hysterical if anyone tried to get him to walk on the grass. But he would walk on the sidewalk. He couldn't trust the earth any longer (see what I mean?).

A woman whose husband has been into pornography for years and has lied to her about it can get PTSD (and I think they often do). I read on this site where one such woman had irrational (but terrifying) fears that her children would die or be abducted when she dropped them off at their grandmother's. She fears for her family all the time, and I would say it's because her trust mechanism (regarding her family) has been destroyed. Inside, she's always wondering "What next?", and imagining the worst. Because the worst has already happened to her.

For those of us who have been sexually abused, we might not trust authority). I have no idea how much of my anger is due to sexual abuse (thankfully, it only lasted one afternoon, and even more thankfully, it was a girl), but I know I just get angry for no reason, or I get angry all out of proportion to the provocation. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around punching people in the nose, but I do get angry too often.

So I will say that you need to get to the roots of your problem and sort them out. This will probably involve some time and a lot of conversations (some of them intense) with a close personal ally or therapist. Because once you've worked out the roots of your problem, the rest, including your behavior, will fall into place. Not totally automatically, but it will be doable, and the Lord will bless you with strength to manage and to spare.

I don't know if what I've said helps or hinders, but I'm afraid when someone who has worked for years to become temple worthy now is fearful that she is about to relapse. I think it's because you haven't dealt with the underlying issues. Please see a counselor (a gifted and skilled one who has some experience with these problems) and see your bishop for sure and let him know of your fears and concerns. If a support group will help, then join one. And get that 12 step manual out and start going through the steps again. And get a sponsor, too, someone you can call on to help you ward off temptation.

Whatever happens, keep your head up and know that you are of a royal lineage, the lineage of your Heavenly Parents. And keep on struggling."
posted at 22:45:54 on December 13, 2011 by dog
"Dearest Dog and others-
Thank you for you post. I am having that hardest time. I am in 2 support groups and meet with a counselour every other week. I know I need to get to the very root of my PTSD, but it's hard and it's a process. I need something to work now. I am so impatient, I know i need to be better.
It's finals week I have worked so hard and think I failed one of my classes. I am so mad, angry and overwhelmed. It makes me so tempted. I am feeling so hopeless. SO lost. I feel like I am back at the beginning....even though I know this is not the case. I have a boyfriend almost finace. He knows everything. Very supportive. but now its so hard because I know I can have a passionate make out session or something that we turn me on....maybe even some "dry sex". I don't want to use him. I want to change and stay that way. I don't know how to let me in my life all have intimacy when it brings such horrible flashbacks or i just get to excited and lustful. I want love. I HATE sex. I hate it. I don't want to be sexual addict. I don't want it to control me/ I hate who I am because of it. I hate myself for working so hard to just want to give everything up in the moment. I hate the dirty thoughts I have in my head. I hate feeling so tempted. I want to stay temple worthy....if I even am still. I want to truly be happy, but don't know how . will I ever be strong? will my past ever stay in my past or will it come back to haunt me? I mean for crying out loud I don't even remember my past. I don't even know how to escape because I don't know what I am running from.....I just hate it"
posted at 20:39:39 on December 15, 2011 by getthrough
You're not alone.    
"Getthrough, we have all been there. You are not alone.

I went to a narcotics anonymous meeting once with a friend who was an addict. One of the women there told us that she was addicted to painkillers for years, then she was able to get clean for about a year, then she lost her job one day and as she was driving home, she got in an accident, and she didn't have insurance. The hospital prescribed her the exact painkillers that she had been addicted to. Of course, they asked her if she had ever abused them in the past, but she had just had a really really bad day; she never had a chance against temptation like that. She took them, and she slipped back into addiction.

It was one of the saddest stories I have ever heard. I kept thinking, how could God let that happen? I thought we weren't supposed to be tempted beyond that which we are able to bear. I can't believe she could have borne that temptation. To this day, that poor woman's situation pains me. I feel so bad for her. Why was she so sorely tested in a moment of such pain and vulnerability? Of course I don't have answers to that question.

But I do know this: Christ was tempted too, he was afraid too, he begged his father to let the cup pass, but then he said not my will but thine be done. He made a DECISION that regardless of the pain or the fear, he would do what God had sent him to do.

Right now you are in a pivitol moment -- you have a choice to make; in fact, moments like this are the whole point of our lives. And in the end, I think that we will find out that who we are really doesn't depend on where we went to college or how much money we make or how much success we achieve. Those are just side shows that distract us in this life. The real main event, the star witness for the defense or for the prosecution in the trial of our lives, is going to be how we handle moments like the one you described.

Do we choose fear or faith?

As an addict myself, I know what it means to choose fear when the walls are caving in. Right now you are afraid that the stress is too much and that you are bound to fail anyway so why not just give in? That is the adversary's favorite line -- trust me, he uses it on all of us.

Faith is harder than running away from pain -- faith, in this case, means having the courage to stand up to the pain without the crutch of your addiction. Faith means believing that if you say no to the temptations, that Christ, not your addiction, will get you through this hard time. That kind of belief takes real guts because you have to look right in the eye of your fear of facing this challenge alone, without a crutch. And you have to say "I am not alone. God is with me."

We are too."
posted at 23:40:07 on December 15, 2011 by DH

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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006