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Trying to connect
By Cool hand luke
12/6/2011 5:06:58 PM
My wife and I have struggled for a long time now. Sometimes it's hard because I don't know what to distinguish as addiction related and what are "normal" relationship problems.

She has always been critical of petty things but after years and years I grow more convinced it's the little things that count. And I have only just begun to reject the option of internalizing her criticism as something being wrong with me. Certainly there a billion things wrong with me but I no longer need or am willing to repent for her criticism. I like myself...well, for the most part

In a nut shell a couple of months ago we went on vacation. As happens on every vacation I found myself judged for something silly and as much as I try to act tough it crushed me. Always has. I didn't realize it till over a month later that something clicked off in my brain. I never want to feel that way again. Nearly a decade of it is plenty enough. We broke up twice when we were dating for the same thing. I've never really felt like she liked me except that she s stuck around. So on that day in my mind I think just finally shut off.

Well, of course, be it addiction or stupidity or loneliness or sabotage I found myself getting really close to a co-worker. One night I asked myself why and traced my steps back to the vacation. I came home and told my wife I felt like I was emotionally diverging and why and that it could only end badly unless we fixed it. She agreed and was understanding. I felt great. Great for pumping the breaks before things got hairy with the girl from work. Great cause I thought things were going to work out. Unfortunately, I think I thought just addressing it would make it take care of itself. I had talked to my "friend" as well and thought we wouldn't be communicating but within days I found myself sleeping at her house. We made out. Luckily, I feel lucky anyway, we didn't have sex or it didn't go further then that.

I told my wife a few days later. I thought it would be over for sure and at first it looked that way. But she went to the temple and did all that jazz and before I knew it she was completely invested in making this work. I don't get it. I resent God for confusing the hell out of us (different story another time). The problem is, I dint know if i'm invested. The relationship with the girl from work (which I've cut off completely) was a wake up call for me. I can't do this forever. My biggest fear in all the world and eternity is that I'll wake up at 50 and realize I don't know my wife and she doesn't know me and we've lost ourselves in the mix. What hell! And to add to that I realize that cannot be the case in complete fidelity on my part. I dont believe baring in mind my addiction that I would just suffer it. I believe I would consciously or sub seek to sabotage it...because I think that's what I've done. I've been pathetic and weak. Not a man.

So here I am, fasting. Soon I venture out into the desert by myself for some reflection. I just want to connect with myself. The Self. I want to know what's really going on. I want to be clear moving forward.

Comments:

Luke    
"I pray that you will find peace.
I pray you and your wife can really connect and be happy together!"
posted at 16:34:10 on December 7, 2011 by ruggaexpat
similar theme    
"I've had some similar feelings about my relationship with my wife, at times. It has felt like we were drifting apart at times. And sometimes it feels like she doesn't like me and can't stand to be around me.
What I have found is that lately it's gotten better. She does seem to be more committed to the relationship and is trying more. I think part of the reason is that (a) we've talked about the problems and (b) I've been trying to show here the I am committed to the relationship.
I've gone out of my way to find ways to show her I care. This includes running errands for her, leaving cards with little "I love you" notes on them for her, etc.

What I found was that when I felt she was drifting away emotionally, I truthfully was doing so, as well. And, the way I had to start working on getting her to pull back to me was to to get myself back to her first.
I'm thankful that I never had to deal with anything like what you've described with your co-worker. The only question I'd ask is if you and your wife have gone (together) to your bishop? It can't work without it.
Prayers and best wishes,
Josh"
posted at 22:12:57 on December 9, 2011 by hk-47


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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990