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By Ymir
12/2/2011 5:16:14 PM
I am a 27 year old guy who has quite a few problems, but the two that brought me here are the fact that I've been cutting myself for almost 10 years. Also the thing that leads me to cutting that I still can't fully even state in an anonymous blog. How odd is that? Oh yes, and I swear. A lot. I'm not LDS, and I'm not looking for people to say 'oh, Heavenly Father loves all his children,' or whatever. I don't think is anything out there after death, but if you /need/ to say something like that, whatever. It's on your head.

I'm not sober. I have gone almost 6 months without doing it before, and once I went almost a year. But these days... these days I just want to cut my arms apart. I want to cut wrists, and necks, and other bleedy places. I don't care anymore. I've gone 27 years without getting a kiss from a girl. I've seen brothers get married and happy, one going off to pursue higher degrees. I have been left behind.

I have a congenital heart defect that makes me horribly tired and horribly slow all the time, and the 2 month coma didn't help either. Basically when I was brought back to the hospital after having the doctors tell my parents 'spend as much time with it as you can, it's not long for this world,' they replied 'oh, it's still alive?' Fine, we guess we'll try to help it out.

Now 4 major heart surgeries later and a crapload of smaller ops, I feel like my life is just one big money hole. I don't get any enjoyment out of anything, and all I look forward to never really happens. Everyone always has an excuse not to spend time with me.

So there you have it. Do with it as you will.

By the way, before starting this blog, I just had come back from cutting myself yet again. That makes over 120 times total.

Comments:

Hope this helps    
"I'm not sure exactly what you are wanting to get as far as advice goes. I'm not the best person to give it, and I am sure you will get better.
I understand how it feels to not be wanted by the opposite sex. I am generally ignored, as guys my age go for the prettier and more upbeat girls. I've not had the years that you have had though, as I'm only 16.

It hurts. It hurts a lot, to wonder, "well, what's wrong with me?" Why do they always go for the other people and not me? What I have learned in my limited experience, is that patience can pay, but also being the type of person people want to be around. People don't want to be around someone who drags them down, but that make them happy. I don't do too good at that myself, but I'm working on it. Have you ever read "how to influence and win friends" by Dale Carnegie? Didn't get the title exactly right, but that book is good.


I am lds. Most of the people on here are, as you might've guessed. I swear, as well, but it's a habit I'm working to get out of. It just makes things worse, and again, people don't want to be around you.

I've gotten to the point where the only thing that made me feel better was for me to screw up, and lose my days of sobriety. My last blog post was just the same as you - but I'd been masturbating instead, which is my challenge. I have cut myself, and I do understand to the degree I can the attraction there.

Yes, that is my attitude as well. You are only responsible for you. If other people want to believe things let them, it has no impact on me. I'd ask you though to read the book of mormon, if you haven't. Not from the standpoint of "oh, read this you'll be converted" but more it might distract you. You might learn something from it. And, you'd be able to say you'd read it. He does love us, but it's hard to see when he's giving us challenges, and that's something I struggle with myself."
posted at 17:40:14 on December 2, 2011 by anon16
You are loved    
"You are loved by those unseen.

I pray daily sometimes many times a day for people who suffer all kinds of addictions. If I see someone on the street who looks sad, I offer an encouraging word, smile, or just a silent prayer. I don't care what they look like or who they are. I see them the same as I see me.

Those of us who worship the Savior, believe in something unseen. Do we really know with tangible evidence that this whole thing is real, no most of us don't. Is religion or belief a crutch, yes. It is the only thing that has taken me through the fire many times in my life.

Going with what you have said here, I am going to suggest something weird that does not require God (at least at first). Go to a mirror, any mirror alone. Look into your own eyes and start telling yourself lies. Lies like this, " I am a good person". "I never cut myself", "I am happy". Say the things you want out of life, say them a lot. You have to do this many times a day to start. Do it for a month. It is a simple thing, a sort of reprogramming. I am guessing you are looking in the mirror and saying bad stuff anyway, so what harm will it do to try saying good things? Nobody sees you do it, so why not start there The answers to our biggest problems are are always simple things.

I know that you do not pray, okay. I hope you will try, but in the meantime I will pray for you and I am guessing others on this blog will too. That is how much the people love you, someone they have never met.

I am glad you reached out and you are most welcome to stay here. I would love it if you would not swear on here, but if you must swear we will still love you, we just wish you wouldn't because so many on here are making changes and trying to turn their loves away from many things, swearing being one of them. You decide. We will love you because we love Christ. You do not have to believe in him because we will still love you, sight unseen.

Have you ever attended a 12 step or received help from anyone for you addictions? Maybe you could attend a 12 step in the community. They are based on the belief system you already have. God, no God, many Gods, anything goes. There are people like you who feel as you do who have learned a better way.

Follow my advice or not. I am wishing you all of the best you can find within your reach. You are worth it and never, never, never let anyone tell you differently."
posted at 18:14:53 on December 2, 2011 by angelmom
Are you for real?    
"So your not LDS. You believe that there is Nothing Out there after death. You have congenital heart failure. Did you leave anything out? If you are for real then you must have some hope in finding a way out. Maybee there is something out there after death. Maybee there are some things worth hoping for, worth fighting for. You must value something or you wouldn't be reaching out on this blog. I have known others who spin a tale of woe just to see what kind of reaction they can get. Are you one of those?

I do know that God lives and that he loves all of His children. You may say that you are worthless but I do know that you worth is priecless and worth fighting for. I also know for a fact that the Lord can and does heal us from our defects of character. He heals us from the inside out.
By the way, why in the world are you even counting the times that you cut yourself. The Muslim extremists whip themselves with chains. Fanatical christians even crucify themselves as a sign of devotion. Obsessive cumpulsive cutting - counting the times you did it - You are in the wrong script, the wrong play. There is a better way brother and I pray that you, like the apostle Paul will be knocked off your ass in order to see the light. Our paryers are with you whether you like it or not. We love you and have nothing but your everlasting welfare in our hearts.

Go out and do something for someone who is worse off then you."
posted at 08:44:12 on December 3, 2011 by 3R's
Doing something for someone daily    
"Oh yes 3 R'S, I can't believe I left that one out.

That is something in my heart daily as I am healing and helping those in my family heal. We look to help someone who needs us. Find someone to help who cannot return the favor. One reason the scriptures tell us to help the widows and fatherless is because they are someone who need our service, but cannot help us in return. Selfless help for another suffering human being is the greatest form of love in my opinion.

Think about it, Ir really works."
posted at 09:25:47 on December 3, 2011 by angelmom
3rs    
"How would you like if someone called you a liar? Just because you don't have experience with this kind of crisis doesn't mean it can't happen. And that is NOT how we treat a sick friend. Your "tough love" routine may work for a sex addict who is having a bout of self-pity but it can be downright dangerous in dealing with someone going through this kind of trauma. I know you mean well but have a little tact."
posted at 14:23:56 on December 3, 2011 by Anonymous
Welcome    
"Welcome. There are so many different ways that we manifest our wounds and we are all here because either ourselves or a loved one has pain so deep that addiction took hold. Cutting is no different and there are others here who have had this same addiction. Some people feel very delicate when talking about cutting because it is a physical manifestation of a negative coping tool that is so dangerous, but I've been around it all my life and know what a problem it can be and so I don't hold back from talking about it's reality. A lot of the addiction conversations on this site center on sexual addictions or drug or alcohol addictions but we are strangely enough all in the same boat. In some ways other addictions, like pornography use, are like spiritual cutting....we are hurting ourselves in a desperate and confused attempt to make ourselves feel better. Anyway, my whole point in saying this is "welcome" and you can find friends and support and advise from people here even if they are not struggling with the same problem.

I am not prone to cutting myself but like I said, the people around me growing up were and I know how hard it can be to overcome. Everyone has their unique reasons but it often happens when the pain of an issue becomes too much and we either try to replace one pain with another or try to simply get ourselves to 'feel' something again. Ymir, I don't know your story and I don't need to, but I will honestly suggest that you start working the 12 step program you can download online. The first step is Truth. It will require you to really contemplate the sources of your issue. Cutting does NOT happen out of nowhere....it grows from something and you may already know what that is...but once we see ALL the roots of the issue we can start removing them one by one. This will require you to dig deeper than you already have. People who sincerely work these 12 steps start recovering. I've seen people who are not just 'on the edge' but people who have completely fallen off the cliff and have no hope, really find peace and they change...they really change. But it can't happen unless you work it. Reaching out, even anonymously (and all 12 steps groups are anonymous) is huge. It is evidence of your desire. And that is part of the first step. Good for you and now keep going."
posted at 08:22:39 on December 4, 2011 by maddy
My heart goes out to you    
"There are a lot of details that I'm sure you have left out about just how tough your life is. I know because I worked with someone whose son died (at age 22) of a condition similar to yours (congenital heart defect).

No one knows the amount of physical pain and daily torment that someone in your position goes through unless they experience it themselves. For instance, my friend's son always had skin sloughing off his extremities due to very poor circulation. This led to many other conditions. When they did his last heart surgery, his entire sternum crumbled into little bits, and they had to send an assistant surgeon on line to find a way to sew him back up after the surgery.

The young man finally died. His father, who was a self made millionaire, didn't have insurance on his son, and so he had to spend his own millions on his son's medical care. Then, right after he made a 1 1/2 million dollar upgrade to his business, he lost his business, his son died, and he had to move his family from a beautiful million dollar home in an exclusive part of town into a small apartment in a not so nice part of town.

My friend's brother-in-law died, and my friend's wife had a complete mental collapse, i.e., full scale schizophrenia, for which she had to be hospitalized four times. So here's this man, his son dead, his wife now schizophrenic, his business lost for good and in an economy that was going south, he with no more than a high school education, out of money entirely, and his daughter asks him why her brother had to endure so much suffering, and then just die.

His reply is instructive and it moves me to tears. He said, "It could have been worse."

The daughter asked, "How could it have been worse?"

"He could have never come to earth and never had a body." was the reply.

We members of the LDS Church believe that all of God's children (not just members of the Church) came to earth to gain a body so that we could become like Him. We believe that all of us will be resurrected, that our spirits will rejoin our bodies after death, but they will be much better bodies and will eventually become perfect, flawless, due to Christ's atoning sacrifice, if we have faith in Him.

We also believe that we came to this earth to be tested. We believe that we must have faith in Christ's sacrifice. But in order to have true faith, we must believe that everything that we endure -- every trial, every affliction, all suffering, even the torment of watching loved ones suffer -- is for our eventual good. And that's the tough part. It's easy to talk about, but it's impossibly difficult to endure when you're actually going through it.

No doubt about it, you have a far tougher row to hoe than I can imagine. I've never had to endure anything like you have. But I do believe that all our trials were custom designed for each of us to have the greatest opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father, perfect, flawless, and infinitely and eternally happy. And that means married to a beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father forever. And yes, that means kissing, and a lot, lot more, forever, because, as the Book of Mormon says "men [and women] are that they might have joy."

Your Heavenly Father wants you to have that joy and happiness -- and yes, that eternal marriage and eternal youth and health -- forever.

I don't know what to say other than that. I feel so bad that you've been left behind, and that you seem to have no friends, that people find excuses not to be with you. As far as cutting yourself is concerned, hasn't life hurt you enough? Why do you have to make it worse? I wish I could be your friend and drop in on you from time to time, but I'm the (60-year-old) poster boy for poverty, and I don't have a car. But if you are in the Salt Lake City area, let me know and I'll find a way to drop by. And may you find peace and solace."
posted at 16:49:17 on December 5, 2011 by dog


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004