By iamstrong
11/28/2011 2:28:36 AM
So I went home for Thanksgiving and the anxiety took over as soon as my flight landed. I love the people, I love my family, I love the city. But I hate how everyone sees me.

Growing up, everyone thought I came from the perfect Mormon family. They didn't know how it really was. The verbally abusive father, the mother who suffered from depression, the gay son, the alcoholic son, the swearing, the contention. I mean, my parents and brothers are all good people. My mom and dad are trying their best. My gay brother lives worthy in the gospel now. My alcoholic brother went 3 years sober and was able to serve a mission. And my parents always had me go to church. It's what you did. They taught me important lessons that brought me to recovery. In those moments when I felt hopeless and basically like crap, I remembered the words of my parents. And I knew there was hope. I knew where to go for help, how to get it, what to do.

But I grew up having to live up to those expectations. I had to be the girl who didn't do anything wrong. I dressed modestly. I went to all church meetings and activities. I didn't swear. I didn't drink or smoke. I didn't do anything. Kids looked up to me. I remember a mom in the ward telling her daughter to "watch me and be like me." I felt a lot of pressure. I felt like everyone was watching me and I had to be perfect.

And that is my anxiety. Everytime I go home, I feel the pressure again. I feel like I am right back to where I was before. And that leads to relapse.

I would get so stressed that I'd escape from it all through porn, mb, fooling around. And those were secret sins so I felt like it was perfect. It suddenly became "my sin". Everybody has one. The one that you don't want to give up. The one that you have a little bit of an attachment to. And then it was addiction. I can't let feelings of inadequacy or stress lead me back to relapse.

Well anyways, that's my rant. Just what I've been thinking about lately.


I was wondering...    
"when you were going to let it all out. I hope that it was therapeutic, and I pray that you don't relapse. But as you and I and others have pointed out, you need to get to the roots of your addictions and unravel them and yank them out before you can expect true, lasting recovery. Maybe your "rant" is part of that process; get it all out in the open.

I would guess that many of the people on this site had/have toxic parents. And toxic family situations. And undue pressures. So we all understand. But we need to get it out, to air it out.

It's also good that you recognize the good in your parents and how their words and teachings have helped you to fight your way out of your addiciton. It's important to always look for the good in others, as well as in yourself.

Keep fighting the good fight. You'll emerge from this battle with a very strong testimony and understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Thank you for sharing.

And God bless us each and every one."
posted at 16:46:13 on November 28, 2011 by dog

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987