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The price I pay.....
By taintedlove
11/22/2011 1:23:16 AM
Ya'll know from a previous post that whrn I was 18 I was raped by 7 guys.

I live with this daily and sometimes I doubt if it was rape but ultimately I know ai didn't want it. I dont think y'all know what happened afterwards. I was going through a hard time. I had just left the pentecostal church, started dating, lost my virginity to the butthole who became my husband. It was a hard road. I want talking to my mom because she kicked me out because of the rape... only she didn't know it was rape. Someone told her i had a train ridden on me or was gangbanged.... Later when i began talking to her again i told her the truth. She had the audacity to tell me "When you're not right with God bad things happen." ........

Ive always been sour at my mom (adoptive mother/biological grandmother) for her treatment of us at a young age...... but to say that to your child is worse than anytime she told me she wished she never adopted me.

I recently went to jacksonville,fl to visit my favorite cousin and we were having a conversation and she asked me if she could ask a personal question and she would never cast any judgement. I said sure..... She asked me if I was gangbanged when I was younger..... I told her the truth and she became mad. My mom had always been her favorite aunt and she had heard snippets about her here and there but my cousin is a good person and never wants to think the worst of people.... She told me that my mom told the whole family I was gangbanged.....

And now Im just hurt. I went to maybe wanting to mend my relationship with her to wanting to change my name back to what it was before she adopted me because I want no trace of her around me. Im already finding it hard to forgive her all around abuse... But this is just... I dont know what this is. I already made up my mind not to talk to her. She ostracized me from my family as a child... and now I am as an adult too.

Maybe Im being over dramatic. But i dont think I am. I dont know what to do
Sarah

Comments:

Give all the pain to Jesus.    
"He understands being betrayed by those whom are suppose to be your closest support and friend. He will help you rise above your trials. What happens to us in life does not define us unless we let it. We are daughters of God. Jesus is our older brother who loves us and showed us the way back to our Father in Heaven, who is there for us every time we need to talk to him. Give that awful experience to Jesus, he has already suffered that pain for you. He cannot take it unless you give it to him. That awful experience does not define you. Let go of it, give it all to Jesus Celebrate and give thanks to Him. Love yourself, be good to yourself, respect yourself. That self made perfect through the atoning blood of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
posted at 09:28:08 on November 22, 2011 by Hero
This is why    
"We must put our focus on Jesus Christ.

You have been hurt badly. I understand because when I think of the pain caused to me in my past life, it puts me in a dark place. All I can do is to give the pain and those who caused it, back to the Lord and move on. Sometimes this is a daily practice.

It's okay for you to walk away from your grandma and give her to Christ. All of this comes at a time when you need more love in your life, not less. I have come to a point in my life that I do share myself with anyone who is toxic. That has meant that I have had to walk away from more than a few people. I make no announcements, nor send out any proclamations. I simply cease communications with anyone who behaves in a way which will harm me. If I see them, I am kind but the conversation stops at hello. I did not have boundaries at the time they came into my life, but now I do.

Do I allow people with problems in my life? Of course.I also have no problem with the people in my life who are willing to tell me the truth about myself as they see it. However the people who love God and love me, speak that truth in a way that fits the profile of a person who is loving. I need more love right now, not less and from what you write on this blog, I am guessing that you are no different.

The great thing about this is as you are allowing yourself to release those who harm you back to God. And Heavenly Father is so loving, that he sends angels of light in their place left vacant by those who harm us. It truly is a miracle.

You cannot afford to allow poison in to your heart via other people. That poison is mix by a cunning adversary and his goal is to bring you into confusion and keep you stuck in your pain.

I suggest that you move forward in light. You have all the tools you need to overcome your past. This theme was in your life to teach you that you need a Savior. You need to see it for what it was and let the Lord and all of his angels let you beak the curse!!! You can be the one that changes the unhealthy path which has been generations in the making.

Trust only in the Lord. he will lead you to places you cannot imagine. Hold onto the rod and let go of darkness and believe that God can do an amazing work in you. He is doing it with me and my husband and he will do the same for you... If you will let him.

I placed you on the prayer roll today and hundreds are praying for you right now.."
posted at 12:49:03 on November 22, 2011 by angelmom
My heart breaks for you    
"and I've been so concerned about you, that you haven't posted in a while and you seemed so desperate. So thank you for putting my heart at ease by your blog.

I like what was said by HERO and ANGELMOM above and I found it very informative and useful. I, too, was a victim of sexual abuse (I was 5, and she was 12 or13, a junior high school girl). I'm only beginning to learn now how those few hours that afternoon -- and how she treated me afterwards, which was worse than the sexual abuse itself -- have destroyed a part of my life, and contributed to my addiction (mb). But I feel no bitterness or animosity towards her, and I never have.

However, your situation was much more brutal than mine, much more. And it tears my heart out when I've read of your anguish in past posts, and how you've been treated by those who should have loved you the most, those who should have given you the most sympathy and empathy. I hope that you will be able to heal from these bitter experiences.

Regarding the giving of yourself and your pains to our Savior, you should know that this is not an automatic process, and that it will probably take a long time. It will take repeated efforts. But it is necessary for true healing to take place. These are just my opinions. But I think it would help to read two conference talks by apostles of the Lord. Their counsel is wise and inspired.

The first is "To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse," April, 2008, by Elder Richard G. Scott.

The second is, "The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness," October, 2005, by Elder Boyd K. Packer.

Please don't be a stranger anymore. Let us know how you're doing so we don't have to worry. I prayed for you this morning before I got online here (and I also prayed for LOSTSOUL, ANON16, CWATTS18, and IAMSTRONG).

I pray for you all who are on this site, and I hope and trust that we will all feel the healing hand of the Atoning Sacrifice of the Lamb in our lives, in healing our addictions, our mistrusts, our fears, and our self-dislike."
posted at 14:41:33 on November 22, 2011 by dog
Shes sucked the love out of me.    
"As a teen I started to question if I could love. When I got older I knew I couldnt. Its funny because I would say I love yoh to my brother and he would tell me he didnt know what it meant. Thats saddens me that he had the same problems. But i think he started learning it way before I did... im just starting. The problem is... i dont know if I love my mom. I dont have any good feelings for her. I mean what she said about the rape was the last straw.

Its not the first time shes betrayed my confidence. When i was 9 and 10 i was molested by a guy that could be my dad... shedidnt do much after i told her and continued to have him in my life. I begged her not to allow him at my graduation for high school... she did. And she allowex my ex stepdad who I watched when I was 11 beat his wife at the time. I mean i know children dont always get say on what happens in their life or who is around them.... but these people were toxic and any person could see that.
She didnt protect me when it counted. She didnt love me when I needed it. She only loved me when I did something appeasing to her... I hope that I will be a better parent and not repeat the cycle like most of my family has. I hope i include my children on decisions that affect them espe ially when they are old enough to understand... and by God I hope I am able to protect them. And if something does happen I hope I can comfort them!"
posted at 22:49:06 on November 28, 2011 by taintedlove
Say Goodbye    
"Tainted,

Why do you hold onto such wicked people..Just because they happen to be your "Family", doesn't mean you have to know them in this life. Maybe letting go of them might be the first step in letting go of the pain. Once you say goodbye to them, God will fill the void with fantastic people. but most of all he will fill you with his love and the love of his son.

Saying goodbye does not have to be a hateful thing, it can be a boundary thing. You really need healing and with such people in your life I am wondering if that is possible. Your family is sick, very sick and you don't need that in the life you are trying to live.

Maybe I am wrong. What do you think?"
posted at 11:04:41 on November 29, 2011 by Anonymous
Say Goodbye    
"Tainted,

Why do you hold onto such wicked people..Just because they happen to be your "Family", doesn't mean you have to know them in this life. Maybe letting go of them might be the first step in letting go of the pain. Once you say goodbye to them, God will fill the void with fantastic people. but most of all he will fill you with his love and the love of his son.

Saying goodbye does not have to be a hateful thing, it can be a boundary thing. You really need healing and with such people in your life I am wondering if that is possible. Your family is sick, very sick and you don't need that in the life you are trying to live.

Maybe I am wrong. What do you think?"
posted at 12:43:07 on November 29, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay