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Forensics (Part 2 of 2)
By josh
11/21/2006 11:26:21 AM

The next work day I came into work and deleted all of my forensics tools from my USB key. I uninstalled all of my forensics tools from my computer. I am completely abandoning it. How could I have preached being willing to sacrifice all things to overcome my addiction and not fully given up this angle of it? How could I have blogged about Derek's thoughts on "breadcrumbs" and not seen the breadcrumbs of forensics? How could I have written my blog "preoccupation with the behavior" and not realized my obsession with forensics? A part of me thought I would both resent and regret getting rid of this aspect of my work, but you know what? It felt great. Once the tools were gone (I wish the knowledge could also be gone!) I realized that it really doesn't have to be part of my job - I had just made it part of my job. I have so many projects at work, it was really refreshing to know that I didn't have to spend another minute on forensics. I didn't (and still don't) miss it at all. Good riddance! I feel a little bad for my boss because now he is the sole "watchdog" - not because he's not capable of doing it himself, I just wish he didn't have to.

My wife and I have talked about this experience at length, and are both on the same page as to what happened (and has been happening) and what course of action to take. I wish desperately that I could take that moment of hurt (and all the others) away, but I can't. No amount of apology can ever remove it. But with the help of the Savior and the power of the atonement we can heal and move forward. I wish I were not so vain and prideful. I wish I realized more often my complete dependence on the Savior, and a "sense of my own nothingness" (Mosiah 4:11). In fact, that's such a great scripture (also see Alma 5:26) I will end with it:
"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in you soul, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come..."

Comments:

trust    
"Trust is so hard to rebuild, and even when you feel like you are doing okay, something little can happen (even something completely innocent) that makes you feel like your world is crashing down all over again.

(can you tell that my husband and I have just had a similar experience?)

It's hard, but we just keep on going."
posted at 13:40:39 on November 21, 2006 by sophie
technical posts are good    
"I appreciate the post. When you are using a computer all of the time it is easy to get yourself into trouble. The more you know about how they work the easier it seems to get. It takes extreme diligence and reliance on the Savior to keep yourself out of trouble. Not too mention the most extreme of guidelines and personal rules.
I want computers and technology to do good things for me and my family. I appreciate hearing how other 'technically inclined' people handle the day-to-day challenges that confront so many of us. Thanks for sharing."
posted at 21:53:38 on November 22, 2006 by roast_rump
Trust is more important than an occasional slip    
"I had a recent experience with my wife that taught me a very important lesson. I had just completed my step 4 and 5 and was feeling great. It was such a good feeling to not have any more secrets between my wife and I. Well, I had a "mini slip" one day. I took a quick peek at something and then immediately got myself out of there. In my mind it was no big deal. It was NOTHING compared to what I used to do. It was one of those slips that was small enough that I didn't even think our computer software would even pick it up.

Well, my wife asked me how my day was and I lied (just like old times) and told her it was fine. The very next day she saw it on the email she gets that shows everything I looked at. And sure enough, it showed up. She was devistated. Not so much over the slip but over the fact that I lied right to her face. She said she would have been so much better with me coming to her and telling her about the slip rather than lie to her. It was a huge setback with our trust issues over this whole thing.

I then made the decision that I'd never lie to my wife again no matter what. I also realized that I am overcoming 2 addictions. One to pornography and one to lying. The lying goes hand in hand with the porn. I've been lying about it for so many years now that it's just second nature. SCARY!"
posted at 22:03:24 on November 25, 2006 by dan


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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

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