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Dreams...
By iamstrong
11/12/2011 1:55:42 PM
So I've been doing pretty good. I had a rough two weeks where I was really struggling through the truth and confession aspects of the twelve steps but I have made it. The days are getting easier because I'm surrounding myself with people that keep me in line.

And I finally told one of my roommates. She was understanding and listened and asked questions without being invasive or pushy. She just cared. And so now she's been helping me out without telling others. It is really helpful. Someone will want to watch a movie with a sex scene and she'll either casually suggest an alternative or just act like she can't sit still and go do something else with me. I can't really understand why I was afraid before. I think I just believed the lie that I couldn't trust anyone or tell anyone. When in reality, the only way to beat this is to come out of secrecy.

So the days are good. I am getting through them. But the nights are tough. It is harder to resist temptation when it is dark and everyone is asleep and you are alone. But I do it. I'm trying really hard. But then I have the dreams... I wake up feeling disgusting and dirty and guilty. I can't really be accountable for my dreams but I just want them to go away. I usually wake up about every couple of hours so that they will stop. But then they continue when I go back to sleep. I don't know what to do about it.

Comments:

life is wild    
"despite all the crap i put in my mind i dont have sexual dreams. its kinda wierd i guess. i am also on sleeping pills to sleep, ambien. now when i take those, i dont remember dreams...so ya. dreams are a funny thing....we are all human + we wrestle with the flesh. we'll wrestle i guess until we die.
my addiction lies in the lack of love in my life. un fortunatly, i really dont have anyone. i dont "trust" anyone to talk about it. so thats cool u have some one that u can chat with, cause not all of us have that."
posted at 18:12:27 on November 12, 2011 by skyteamst90
Ask your savior!    
"Pray and give the images and dreams and thoughts over to you Savior. Make a list. Write them down. Then give them to your Savior. Give a prayer of Thanks and have a better nights sleep. If you wake up, then give them again to him. Youndo not want them any more. You need to heal."
posted at 22:02:35 on November 12, 2011 by Hero
im tottalllly cracken up    
"@hero whats ur wisdom on this
Some. i had dreams, but more along the ptsd route. for 6 solid months i had a dream about me and my father. always the same sitation, he was trying to control me, + i was trying to get away. I didn't want hi$ crontrol me or my money. In the dream sometimes he would speak, + sometimes he wiuld just smerk. but the smerking time were the ones where he wsas trying to get me the most + force me to stay at his house. i am my current age of 34 + so it seems old like he would make me stay in his house. i havent spoken to hinm in 5 years. He calls me the masturbating son of bitch as call me, he doent feel sorry for saying it becuae he jusdtifiefn + had a stewertship over me:: to continue they think they never did any wrong w us kids capitol punishment forsever, sexual abuse, sexual tramua...all with i dereggerd, and they thet never did any wrong, if me who do thid + when I bring up stuff to bring attention to some ove therapl skills I have learn, I have been critized, ""that's physcobala"". And then the get offened because the doc does side hiw them......strange littel game

So back to my dreams, every day + eveeyrnight they happen. I though I was losing my mind. I just want to be away from him. This went on like 6 mos

I started a list i had decided i had had enuff fighting + bs. i needed to heal i guess. i did write many othese dreams down as they awaoke me in hthe night, frieghten + scared. i always felt alone afteLll+ could sense the demonc spirits around. im like great more crap. and sometimes i wud be attacked by these bad spirits also, they wud touch me, + i could hear words. so this is cycl that i have gone in. im asking serious, what do u think this is? I'm I'm so specail why do they assault?"
posted at 01:06:24 on November 13, 2011 by skyteamst90
im tottalllly cracken up    
"@hero whats ur wisdom on this
Some. i had dreams, but more along the ptsd route. for 6 solid months i had a dream about me and my father. always the same sitation, he was trying to control me, + i was trying to get away. I didn't want hi$ crontrol me or my money. In the dream sometimes he would speak, + sometimes he wiuld just smerk. but the smerking time were the ones where he wsas trying to get me the most + force me to stay at his house. i am my current age of 34 + so it seems old like he would make me stay in his house. i havent spoken to hinm in 5 years. He calls me the masturbating son of bitch as call me, he doent feel sorry for saying it becuae he jusdtifiefn + had a stewertship over me:: to continue they think they never did any wrong w us kids capitol punishment forsever, sexual abuse, sexual tramua...all with i dereggerd, and they thet never did any wrong, if me who do thid + when I bring up stuff to bring attention to some ove therapl skills I have learn, I have been critized, ""that's physcobala"". And then the get offened because the doc does side hiw them......strange littel game

So back to my dreams, every day + eveeyrnight they happen. I though I was losing my mind. I just want to be away from him. This went on like 6 mos

I started a list i had decided i had had enuff fighting + bs. i needed to heal i guess. i did write many othese dreams down as they awaoke me in hthe night, frieghten + scared. i always felt alone afteLll+ could sense the demonc spirits around. im like great more crap. and sometimes i wud be attacked by these bad spirits also, they wud touch me, + i could hear words. so this is cycl that i have gone in. im asking serious, what do u think this is? I'm I'm so specail why do they assault?"
posted at 01:13:42 on November 13, 2011 by skyteamst90
relax....    
"Dont get discouraged. We are striving for perfection not being perfect. Our purpose on earth is to learn to "LIVE". We arent here to suffer and lock horns with the devil.

If you arent accountable for your dreams, dont worry about them. They are what they are. You have made great progress in telling your roommate.

I have found when I fight and struggle is when I lose. I cant keep fighting the devil forever and he eventually wins. Ive seen an article called " dont lock horns with the devil" that talks about this.. We are all learning to surrender to God's will. WE really dont have control of very many things. Often times we struggle becaues we are trying to control things that are impossible. Im sure there is an ancient chinese proverb that says this much better than I.

may you find serenity "
posted at 15:14:44 on November 13, 2011 by Anonymous
Elder Boyd K. Packer is a prime example of chastity...    
"...and he told us boys and men that we are not responsible for our "wet" dreams (nocturnal emissions. i.e., sex dreams). And if the guys aren't responsible for their dreams, neither are the girls. If all we do is obsess about sex all day and go to sleep with the hope of having such dreams, then I suppose that would be another thing. But I don't think you're in that category.

Satan wants you to feel disgusted with yourself and dirty. Then he can prey on you more easily. I would say that every sex addict suffers from low self esteem. And most -- if not all -- suffer a significant degree of depression. Guilt and depression both make you feel low self esteem. And guess who feeds off of that? And he definitely wants to keep that cycle going. So start feeling better about yourself and realize that nobody, no sister, is any better than you, and hold your head up.

I don't know (and I'm not asking) if you've been sexually abused (I was), but I think most sex addicts have been. In addition, most of us (including me) have (or had) toxic families (like mine). Add to that traumatic life experiences, especially those in which our trust mechanisms are completely destroyed, and we turn to the quickest relief, the fastest way to medicate ourselves and escape the pain, which will be sex and/or drugs (including alcohol).

The only success that I will have is by asking the Savior to give me the strength to endure my pains, and he will give me strength and to spare. And he will give you that strength and to spare if you ask for it, but it probably won't happen in an instant. You are self-medicating the painful places and the voids in your life through inappropriate behavior. But if you let the light of Christ heal your wounds and fill those voids, you will lose your very desire to act out inappropriately, and it will be replaced by a desire to do good continually.

Ask the Savior to heal your wounds. Ask him to take away your fears and anxiety and dread. Also -- and this is essential -- pray for your enemies and forgive those who have offended you, no matter what the offense. Pray that they will prosper, have healthy, long lives, that they will fulfill all their righteous aspirations, and that their dreams will come true.

If my memory serves me correctly, you're near the 80 day mark on your sobriety. What a huge accomplishment! You've been an inspiration to me, and somebody is working very hard to cause you to slip or relapse. Please don't.

Now again, as far as your dreams are concerned, don't let them control you. If you have them, it's o.k. (ask Elder Packer). You're only responsible for your conscious decisions.

And congratulations on confiding in your roommate. Also, I recall that you have been attending a support group, and that everyone else in it is a man. You have no idea how much admiration I (and probably everyone else on this site) have for you for doing that. That's HUGE moral courage on your part. I also remember you saying that the men are very supportive. Great! Remember that all of us here are your cheering section and we love to hear of your successes, and to give strength to you in your trials. "
posted at 16:36:17 on November 14, 2011 by dog
Thanks everyone!    
"I seriously have been beating myself up about it. But I need to just keep my head up and stay clean. Thanks for your wisdom everyone! I'll give it all to the Lord and pray for peace. My Bishop has been helping a lot to transition from fighting to living. It's kind of the idea of not locking horns with the devil. And I'm working on it. I've got to live the life God has intended for me.

I know that I'm really lucky that I found someone to talk to and trust. I think that I've had serious trust issues through all of this and it really feels good to be open. It's the first time I've really been honest. And it is so awesome that I don't have to be so secretive when I go to my support group. She knows where I'm going but I trust her not to tell the whole world. I highly recommend to anyone who hasn't already to pray for someone you can tell. I didn't tell her every incident or my whole story. I just told her what I'm going through. And that it was hard and I needed help. It has helped a lot. And it definitely holds me accountable. I don't have a spouse to keep me accountable so my roommate is helping me. She constantly reminds me that I'm a good person and that I deserve to be happy. It definitely gets me out of those ruts of depression that I fall into so easily.

I have hit the 80 day mark today :) In some ways, it's harder now than before. Because I don't know what to expect and I never want to get comfortable and let my guard down. Thanks for being so supportive!

And DOG, you are great. Seriously. Thanks :)"
posted at 19:00:28 on November 14, 2011 by iamstrong


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