He relapsed
By Summer
11/9/2011 3:23:02 AM
It hurts!! It hurts bad!! Same story as before, I found it, he lied, then admitted, still lying (in the past the truth slowly comes out, don't know what is the truth right now). I miss so much!!! Why is this my trial???? How can it hurt so bad????? I love him. I guess that's why it hurts so bad!!!


The Temple    

I am so glad you are reaching out, but sad you are in so much pain. We are here for you and we all love you and feel the pain with you.

Is there a Temple near by? I have been attending the Temple Daily as part of my daily plan right now as we are experiencing some heavy trials with one of our sons. Going to the Temple is helping me in many ways. I am gaining clarity, hope, and a better eternal perspective. I will place your name on 3 different prayer rolls this week.

I pray you will feel the prayers of he saints as you suffer. If you still have my email address, please feel free to email me. I hesitate to post it on the main site because the person who breached my info in the past may be reading this post. I will look into posting a non traceable email to post so if you need a sister to talk to you can contact me if you like.

I am praying for His Angels to be with you through this trial. I pray that their light will drive away the darkness you feel in your life today.


posted at 07:21:12 on November 9, 2011 by angelmom
So sorry to hear that    
"Hang in there, please hang in there."
posted at 08:10:24 on November 9, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Can't believe how bad it still hurts.    
"It's given so many different words, slip, relapse, mistake, lapse in judgement. What ever you wanna call it....I just plain hurts!!! I thought because of all I have previously gone through with this stuff, it cOuldnt possibly hurt this bad. I feel like someone punched a hole on my chest. I can't breath very well. My husband has got to be the absolute coolest dude on the planet, but this one problem it's just not fair tha he has it. I love him so so much. Because of the love I have the lies and cheating do a big number on me.
I asked my husband to please think of ways he can help keep his family safe from being exposed to this horrible stuff. Our homecomputer has monitoring on it. His phone did not. All of our children use his phone for fun games, I've always worried they could be exposed to something that would destroy them. Now that I know he has been accessing on his phone I told him I wanted monitoring on it too. I have to know my kids won't be exposed to this stuff from their dad. It would kill him too, he loves them and wants the best for them. I asked him to please think of ways to keep his family safe. He has come up with some good suggestions. I miss being safe in my home. I miss feeling like my husband would protect me from anything. My husband is a good person he is just very very sick.
I do not live near a temple. By if I did I wouldn't be going anyway. I have sick sick dreams about the men I have seen from my husbands videos. I wake up and feel so dirty. I've seen the bishop about it, he says it's not my fault, and need to find a way to let go of the guilt that dleant belong to me. Easier said than done. Thanks for putting my name I'm the temple. I can us all the blessings I can get!!!! Please pray for my husband. I'm so so scared!!!
I'm hanging.

Does anyone have any suggestions to make our family safer? Anything I can do to be less torn up and broken? Thanks"
posted at 12:55:50 on November 10, 2011 by Summer
So Sorry    
"For the pain you are feeling. I remember it so well.

Are you working your steps? If I even miss a day of step work, I start to feel despair. Please read what is happening in my life right now on the loved one's area on this site.

One year ago, if I had to face what I am facing now, I would be hiding in my room crying all day long. I would be in despair, having no hope in healing. But I promise that working my steps and attending meetings, calling a trusted friend, and reaching out for help, I am strong.

The Lord's plan is perfect. The Temple is perfect. You are not dirty because of the exposure. Give all of those ugly images and all of the feelings to the Savior. Let the blood of his Atoning sacrifice wash it away. Hold nothing back from Him who is the only one that can bring your through this stronger.

Every so often thoughts, fears, images will come into my mind, and now I walk daily, minutely, and moment by moment with my Savior. He rescues me every time. I don't always feel him near. He sometimes leaves me to suffer. But I am coming to understand why. It is the only way we understand what His amazing Son did for us.

Let him heal you!!! What are you holding back? I held back so much. I have had to let go every minute of every day lately and guess what? I AM OKAY!!! Amazing Grace, I am okay. I was never okay and I am now. I promise you that I am not special, the same gift is available for you and everyone who will receive it.

I will write more later, but I am off to play with my daughter and savor each moment I have her in my life. I am starting to take in every joy in even the smallest things because that is where the real happiness is.

Love you Summer. You have power available to you. Trust HIM!!! He is right next to you. You can do this.

posted at 13:57:20 on November 10, 2011 by angelmom
Im sorry    
"I feel so bad for you and your husband. Relapses of porn, honesty, or whatever are bad because they cause pain. I wish there was an easy way through it. I myself have had several relapses of basic honesty and I feel so stupid over how much I hurt my wife over these things. I feel awful that I was weak and couldnt live up to my ideals. It makes me want to give up at time.

I wanted to tell you how much some of your comments and ideas have helped me in the past. You are a good person.

I hope you can find serenity."
posted at 15:26:26 on November 10, 2011 by Hurtallover
I am so sorry    
"Dear Summer,

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how it feels and will be devastated just like you are. It feels like it is always a possibility with this disease. I wish I could be there for you. I can only think of one thing that can help, prayer. I know that Heavenly Father loves you and knows you and your pain, he is watching over you, always!!! He knows the way out. Give yourself to him and to the Savior. I am so grateful that our Savior is a man acquainted with grief and pain. I know he understands. When my pain is so big, I think of how much bigger his pain was. They love you and they will be there for you as you reach for them. Remember to detach, to live one day at a time. To take care of yourself and attend a support group!
I will pray for you"
posted at 21:01:07 on November 13, 2011 by crushed
"My heart breaks with yours. I know the trauma you are enduring. It feels like d day all over again. The. PTSD! UGH!

I hope along with your husband you are looking for ways for YOU to feel safe. What do you need to feel safe? The boundary you set for his phone is a start in the right direction. Does hubby have a recovery plan? One that you will know by his actions not his words that he is truly active in recovery?

Angel is right on about giving those images to your Savior. Only He can make you whole. I know from my own experience that He will remove those images from your mind as to not cause you the pain you are feeling.

Relapses can be a great time to reevaluate. Make new boundaries. Strengthen recovery efforts. My prayers to you and yours Summer!"
posted at 00:41:27 on November 14, 2011 by Hero
"I just want to say, ya. I know what you mean. I literally feel like I am falling when I go through another discovery. It is like vertigo. My brain can't totally wrap itself around the betrayal and the pain. It helps me a lot when I take time and get away from him for a little while and seek solitude and peace. I go through ups and downs where I run to my Savior and then I get angry and pull away and so I know I need to really immerse myself in the scriptures and build up a spiritual shield before the anger sets in. Then it has also really helped to take action. For every relapse there has to be an action. For me it has been that my husband has to leave the house for a period of time...until I see evidence that he is being honest and trying again. That may not be the answer for everyone but it helps me. I am so sad for you right now. I've been there so many times myself and wonder if there is more in my future. There probably is and that scares me. I am so sorry."
posted at 05:32:02 on November 14, 2011 by maddy
"Wow I'm struggling. So is the husband. We are both so down. It seems that we are never at the same point for talking. It's really hard...because we were just barely the best of friends. Now we are uncomforable together. This stuff can really tear you apart.
I am trying to work steps, went to a meeting last sunday....and plan on going again this sunday. It's hard. I'm depressed. Trying to make and keep boundaries...that is hard for me!!
Thanks for the support everyone! It means more than I can tell you. I'm not giving up. My marriage and family are worth more."
posted at 17:59:09 on November 17, 2011 by summer
It is so hard!    
"But, detach with love. Let go and let God. Take care of Summer! Do not loose Summer! Self care! Boundaries. Boundaries! Define what you need to feel safe. Talk it over with your recovery group. Talk it over in prayer. Make your list. Have hubby sign it. Be your own hero!

Love to you!"
posted at 00:02:37 on November 18, 2011 by Hero
I'm so sorry    
"Since coming to this site (I am an elderly bachelor with a mb addiction), I have read many of the troubles of wives whose husbands are porn/sex addicts. I see that terrible sense of betrayal that turns a loving couple into strangers, and the Post traumatic stress disorder that results when one's trust is swept away and trampled.

I sympathize with you, Summer, and I wish I could "make it all better." Who knows why life is so cruel? I hear pundits from the pulpit say this and that, but I wonder why life has to be so hard, so unjust, and so unfair. It seems that evil branches out from evil, it multiplies and intensifies as it advances. And so often, it seems to take with it the most wonderful people, like you and your husband, whom you so deeply love.

As for the images in your mind that seem to feed your dreams, I can only offer the following: (bear in mind that I'm not a porn addict) Months ago, I was doing an innocent image search, looking for a tree for a friend's yard. I clicked on one picture of a tree, and instead of a tree, about 25 or more pornographic pictures appeared on my screen.

I immediately clicked on the X to close it, but it only flashed back. I did this three times quickly (a mistake), with the same result. The really unfortunate thing is that one of the pictures was particularly alluring to me, and it was near the X that I kept on clicking, so I was looking at it. I then quickly reached down and turned off the tower, since the X didn't work.

The problem was (and normally porn doesn't have an effect on me, depressing memories do) that this image started taking over my life for the next two days or so. I felt that not only was I going to act out, but I was going to become a pervert, too. I got on my knees and confessed my feelings to Heavenly Father and asked for his help.

My prayer was immediately answered and that image lost its grip on me and I haven't been bothered by it since.

You can only control what you can control. Don't let your husband's addiction intrude on your own sanctity. I would say that fasting and prayer might be in order to help you get rid of these images' grip on you. You should be going to the Temple in spite of those dreams. In fact, it might help a lot.

I will pray for you and and your husband, and I invite others to do so."
posted at 16:57:39 on November 18, 2011 by dog
whoops, I'm sorry    
"I said you should be going to a temple, but you don't live near a temple. I go to a place in the hills that's just as amazing as the temple, and I pray there and I receive answers there. That's why I hiked and walked 24 miles on Labor Day to go there. And yes, I had a great spiritual experience while there. It was the beginning of healing for me.

Maybe you can find a place like that, indoors or out, that can be a temple for you."
posted at 20:36:56 on November 18, 2011 by dog

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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990