Print
Am I able to have hope
By mike81
10/29/2011 1:06:28 PM
Hi my dear friends,

I still have a big concerns while I'm working in my recovery program,
I was able to work on my bottom lines and put some limits regarding my pornography and masturbation problem.

But as I progress and I see the change in my life during the last 8 months BUT
I have also less hope that one day I will find an LDS women will accept my past history and one day to be married in the temple, in Europe there is a lot of other woman outside the church but I made the commitment to my self to be married to an LDS woman or nobody, since I lost the girl I loved because of my addiction when I did told her about that.

I know I'm not humble enough and I should trust my lord.
Currently I'm working on my step 3 and it is not easy to make the decision to turn my will and desire unto god, and in the same time to make mistake

I like things to be perfect and in the same time I have this addiction

Thanks in advance for your reply full of wisdom :)

Comments:

Don't give up hope!    
"I am starting step 4 and it is the hardest thing. It is the ultimate test of step 3. I said that I wanted to change but now that I am going to start an inventory, I am being put to the test. How bad do I want it? So how bad do you want it?

I sometimes feel like I have hope in the Atonement but I don't have hope that I will be happy. I won't be married in the temple. But then I remember that the Atonement is the Plan of Happiness. If I have hope in the Atonement, I have hope in happiness. Jesus Christ took all our pains so that we would not have to suffer them alone. So that we could have joy, be happy. Don't worry. Be happy. If you choose the Lord's side, He will be there and He will bring you to happiness.

Overcoming this addiction will not make your life miserable. And just for the record, I am a woman. I worry about finding someone who will understand that my past is not who I am. But I know that a person like that exists. I have already met people who accept me as I am now. I am clean.

Have hope in the Plan of Happiness. The Atonement will make you happy. Do not be afraid."
posted at 15:33:38 on October 29, 2011 by iamstrong
Mike this may help?    
"From a weekly newsletter I recieve.

Practical Exercises and Step Talk
Excerpts From: 101 Practical Exercises for Sexual Addiction Recovery by Weiss
e-Book It! (Available through Heart to Heart Counseling Center $39.95)
EXERCISE # 44 TURNING "IT" OVER

This exercise is helpful to the recovering sex addict to lessen the need to be totally in control of your sexual organs. At some point in your recovery, you will do a Step Three. This is where you turn your "life and will" over to the care of God as you understand Him.

This decision includes your sexuality and sexual organs. Turning the decision of who you share your sexuality with including being sexual with yourself doesn't have to be yours totally to make. You can turn your sexuality over to God and it can be freeing. As one addict stated "the way I figure, I'm the third man on the totem pole when it comes to my sexual organ. First is God, He made me, second is my wife, I gave her myself at the alter, and third is myself. If I can get my wife and God's permission, I'm okay. If not, I'm not the sole owner."

This discussion may seem light but the results were life changing when this addict no longer felt responsible for his sexual organ. "That's God's business." The prayer is simple. Find a quiet time with God and communicate to Him that you are surrendering your sexual organ to do His will and not your own and that you will trust Him to manage it from here on out.

This prayer when internalized, can be an honest tool for recovery. Some make this a daily prayer in their early recovery.

________________________________________
Excerpts From: Steps of Hope: A Twelve Step Guide for Sex Addiction Recovery by Weiss
e-Book It! (Available through Heart to Heart Counseling Center, $14.95)
STEP THREE "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
GOD
God can be a scary reality to those in recovery from sexual addiction. On this page, explain God as you understand

In Step Two you chose a Power greater than yourself. How is God different from this greater Power concept?

"
posted at 17:00:34 on October 29, 2011 by Hero
My name is Mike and I am a recovering SA    
"Hi Mike8. My name is Mike too. My handle on this AR blog is 3R's which stands for Redeemed, Restored and Recovering. We never say Recovered, just like in AA. Once an alcoholic always an alcohloic. I know because I was headed that way once upon a time and my oldest daughter is a recovering alcoholic. She is faithful and goes to AA 2 or 3 times a week. Other programs are good such as SA and Heart t Heart. However, I prefer the LDS Family Services 12 Addiction Recovery Program. My higher power is the One and Only Jesus Christ, the author of my salvation. Being saved is all about recovery. Step one is honestly admitting that you are a sinner and OUT OF CONTROL. We cannot stop this addiction on our own. Not everybody believes that SA is a real addiction. The same pleasure center of the brain of a drunk or a drugie is the same pleasure center for the sex addict. The reason we need to stop is because we can't. Step 2 gives us hope in the Atoneing Sacrifice of Jesus Christ who can heal us and lift this life altering burden. Ah ha ----- Step three. Decide to turn your life and will over to Jesus Christ. I couldn't do this at first. I still went forward and did my inventory, confessed, made restitution, became worthy and am now happily serving as an Elder in this wonderful program. I am still doing step 3. The more I trust him, the more I let go of my pride and stubborness and self will and my always having to be perfect. There are angelic LDS sisters who have been through recovery and are strong in their own right. The time will come when you take one to the House of the Lord and there, in the endowment you will get the most comprehensive sex education you have ever seen. You will know for yourself what it means to be created in His image, male and female. I stand all amazed. Have hope brother Mike8."
posted at 00:03:07 on October 30, 2011 by 3R's
Thank you so much    
"Thank you all of you for the great feedback and help I received, I guess step 3 it's an ongoing process, I'm afraid of the step number 4, although I did already confess to by bishop 8 month ago but it will help for my step 5

You are blessed in the US to have LDS 12-step program and to have therapist
But i was blessed to find a small 12-step group and a distant lds therapist.

God bless you
Mike"
posted at 12:53:41 on October 30, 2011 by mike81
the world is cracken up    
"hey mike. i am 34 + a little cynical + sarcastic after all the experiences i have been thru. i once had a woman say "she could never marry a man like me"......only another man really uderstands what a comment like this does to a man. for me at least, shook my foundation + i allowed some decent in my progress. in my situatuion she was helpful + understanding, but this was said. women are the same as men, this is what i have come to see. they want a package + packaged a certain way...apparently some girls "wont settle"...they expect some perfection or a lamb without blemish. in todays world, that unrealistic. .how would things be different if you have a dieseaes? no left arm? how about a million other aliments?

women would be equally offended if you said, well why have you put on wieght? you think just cause you had kids thats an excuse? how about these strectch marks?......they would claim we were insensitve + that its not fair, and its not their fault.....and i say yes.....see!!!!!! part of addiction isnt our fault, its our fallen natures, thats what were fighting...along with powers of darkenss.

this girl judged you to hard...
i know many girls that admit to masturbation to me but never have admitted to a bishop..........gee.....i wonder why that is.....and then when questioned or pressed about it, im the jerk...im the one who doesnt get it...."
posted at 22:00:37 on October 30, 2011 by skyteamst90
interesting    
"thanks I felt the same,
When my girl friend told me that she would never marry someone like me I know it's was over,
today I just learned that she is engaged with someone else, it is difficult to admit that i was not the right person for her or she has her own agency and I should just trust my god anyway."
posted at 02:08:12 on October 31, 2011 by mike81
hero is spot on    
"There is hope. Trust the lord. It will be in Gods time. It's scary as hell for sure turning your life over to the lord. I have been attending sex addicts anonymous and every month they have an "old timer" with years of sobriety tell their story. Time after time, it's a story of miracles. As they surrender to God, God takes them to a better place. Better jobs, wife, better friends. Truly miracles. The other theme is that they get sobriety, they find happiness, patience, and they enjoy life.

I think we as addicts may struggle a bit more to fight the feelings of hopelessness.

Find serenity and peace."
posted at 09:18:42 on October 31, 2011 by hurtallover
hard road for sure    
"Mike,
I wanted to write to say that I know how hard and discouraging this is. Being an addict and trying to date has been very depressing for me. I don't even bother sometimes (which is really weak). My therapist tells me all the time that the RIGHT LDS girl wants 2 things (other females can comment): 1- trust, that she is getting the truth (not full details) and that she is part of the team (not your coach or trainer) 2- that you are busting your butt and improving. We as men are often results-oriented, at least I am, but I have noticed women to be really forgiving. I told a girl I was dating earlier this year and she didn't reject me. She respected more for my battles and my honesty. I don't know how every girl feels about this. I would REALLY like to know what the general consensus is.

I got some amazing advice from women previously that you have to first give your heart to God. you have to learn to love HIM fully without holding back. If you can do that and continue in strong recovery, you will be able to give your heart to the right woman. If that woman can't deal with a RECOVERING AND STABLE addict (3R is right...we will always be addicts), then she isn't for you anyway. (I don't expect any woman to deal with an unstable and apathetic addict...that is not fair to her)

just my thoughts. Never get discouraged though!! Satan feeds off fear and discouragement"
posted at 12:19:37 on November 3, 2011 by warrior
The Natural Woman is an enemy to God as well.    
"The natural women is an enemy to god and has been since the fall of adam and will be forever and ever until SHE yields to the enticings of the holy spirit and becometh a saint....

Generally, It's my judgement that most women marry men based on the total package being offered to them in relation to other opportunities. women are conditioned from a young age to RUN from porn dudes... creeper, pedophile, violence against women, TEd Bundy and other wierd images come to their minds... It does seem to be changing as more and more light gets shined on this ... the ratios of active men and women in church continue to increase.. 5-1 in some areas now.

my porn addiction taught me to pursue natural woman (emotionally available by the way), my experience was that these women were actually enemies to my recovery. These women didn't want to have to go there... it's not in the fairy tales.. that you go to a recovery meeting/support group meeting after getting picked up on the white horse.

God can give us sobriety.. but we need to go deep into steps 5,6 and really do the work on the defects in our character... (anger/resentment, etc..)

During this deeper work I think there is wisdom in NOT dating for a time/season until the cement is poured and hardens in your new life.. (this is what is advised for addicts in AA, etc..) I believe because you become a different person with a different energy that attracts different people!! you definitely don't want a natural woman... to derail your recovery.

much easier said than done... as I have fallen prey to the natural man... carnal, sensual, devilish, thinking that I was all fixed and better and tried to rush into a 'normal relationship', only to fall flat on my face... and ruin my 7,8,12 months of recovery with a slip/relapse.

relationships can actually cause ADDITIONAL emotional issues for addicts... and it's not necessarily a good thing (IMHO) to have those additional STRESS TESTS without adequate tools/training put in place.

So, I've made peace with myself and with my God.. that I can go to my grave being HONEST in my dating relationships, knowing that I am doing the best I can... and if that scares away all the women I date in my life.. so be it. I will be able to stand in front of Jesus Christ without shame for my attempts to recover and marry.

I KNOW there are a few women out there.. who truly want to be a HELPMEET to good men ,who are committed to facing the natural women inside of themselves and fighting for a relationship grounded in the grace/mercy of Jesus Christ.

May God be the matchmaker for those of us who want that!!!!"
posted at 02:19:36 on November 6, 2011 by gracefull
HELPMEET    
"Gracefull, I hope you know that there is not a woman on earth that can fix you. Only you and your Savior are capable of doing that.

I work with the women whom have married men with SA. Some of them knew of the addiction before marriage, many did not. I see first hand the trauma this addiction causes in the lives of beautiful daughters of god. Some married for less than a year, some married for 1,2,3,4 decades. Many who did everything right. According to the Happily Ever After, formula, they were sold in YW. Marry in the Temple to a righteous priesthood holder who has served a successful mission. That should give her some hope of a man who has integrity, and believes and lives the same moral code she has been taught. Only to have her world blown apart by the effects of SA, porn, phone sex, mistress, prostitutes,...... She has to face the realities that her life will never be the same. She has to get tested for STD, she has to grieve the loss of her past and her future. She has to grieve the loss of herself because she will never be the same. She has to grieve the loss of trust that takes the longest to return even with righteous recovery. she has to process the lies, the visions, the deceit.

I am sure you have read many of the sisters posts whom have come here seeking help. This is the heart breaking business. The sisters who knew before and still married regret it, they say they could never have imagined how hurtful and devastating this addiction is. This addiction massacres the essence of woman hood. I do not know how much stronger I can word this, in an effort to help you realize that this is not what you would want to do to a woman you love and want to spend eternity with.

I can testify to you that recovery can and is the heart building business, the business of saving individuals, marriages and families.

So what I want to say to you is, do not present yourself broken to a woman and expect her to jump at the prospect of enduring a marriage with a non recovered SA. That would be like inviting her to stand in front of a firing squad with a target on her heart. Be honest, be recovered with at least 2 years of sobriety, no acting out, stone sober. Then you will have the confidence and the spirit that will testify to her heart that you are who you say you are. You will not feel inadequate in anyway, you will be a changed man in Christ. The best kind of man!

I would not expect God to give you one of His favorite daughters until you are whole. Remember He is your Hevenly Father in Law.
Prayers,"
posted at 21:22:39 on November 6, 2011 by Hero
well im staying single; your better off    
"im not even trying. im pretty upset about this.
i hope when i know of some girl that has cancer i can throw it in her face, or her over weightness, or bad acne, or crooked teeth, or how about mismatched body shape? Then I can judge women the same way they judge me....like a reject. Cuase I'm just too good to give someone a chance that doesn't meet my strick requirements...You think I wanna deal w some woman + her issues after she has been married to an addict? Is she healed? Will she trust me? Will she look over my back? Will the sex not be good? Will she with hold sex from me? What about her mentalness? What do I have to prove to her? What about self esteem? I'm sick of trying to build someone up
I'm sick of trying to convince a girl she is pretty.

I tried the whole knight in shining armor, its crap, it is a fake as the story line, its as fake as their fantasy. Women want what they don't have, and have what they don't want. They don't want what you can give to them or offer. Or the biggest insult "I'm not settling". What do they think they're going to get? Well I wouldn't settle for anything less the a 5'4" 110 36d-24-36...

In Last days the scriptures say mens hearts will fail them, this includes the self righteous women. I'm glad I say no. I'm glad I refuse to mingle with their kind. My life has been better since I have the 'no girl policy'

The biggest lesson I learned from the new testament scripture was like if jesus came down + was to leave some last words, one of the lessons he may have taught was "you can't make someone love you" I couldn't agree more."
posted at 01:10:59 on November 7, 2011 by skyteamst90
Barbie    
"I guess if you are a woman and built like Barbie then you can attract that SA you have always dreamed of."
posted at 09:10:12 on November 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Thank you    
"Warrior thank you for your post, it inspire me a lot and at the end I have to trust my savior and do my part and I will see :)"
posted at 14:56:37 on November 7, 2011 by mike81
good points.    
"Hero: I like your mother bear energy... we need more people in the world exactly like you, women who are not afraid to standup and be counted. - Jesus Christ is the ONLY TRUE Solution to EVERY PROBLEM.

Richard G. Scott (of the quorum of the 12 found such a woman) she said she wasn't going to marry him... unless he went on a mission. As you might have noticed from his recent conference talks.. he is still quite in love with her.. and said once..
"There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman.”

when I think of my hope to be a father someday... I think of how much I would love a disabled child, (or any child) who might struggle with learning how to walk... and in those heartbreaking first attempts... in which they fall down... I would not run away from them... I would cry in joy at their attempts/and love them all the more for their effort and do all in my power to help them.

so... I think it's very clear to differentiate between men who are apathetic.. and those who truly want and desire change.

So.. i'm not talking about prideful men with STD's who have mistresses. ugh..

I'm talking about STABLE, RECOVERING, GOOD men.. returned missionaries... virgins... many of whom were abused in different ways at at a young age... many of whom had no fathers... I'm talking about men who want to change.. who want to work the steps... and want to live a life in the light... men who are committed to service, to the priesthood, to being real... men who endure ridicule and shame from women for their attempts to be a 'man'.. to be priesthood type man who is patient, kind, long suffering.

If a woman chooses NOT to receive the invitations (to date/relate/marry) from a recovering man ... than NO BIG DEAL. he moves on... and she is free to wait as long as she wants to wait on the porch on her rocking chair for the perfect gentleman to call on her."
posted at 20:16:53 on November 7, 2011 by gracefull
whew    
"@grafeul, i can tell i struck a nerve.
the truth is a man isn't going to play hide-in-seek forever, as you get older, people get tired of the games, or the chase, or what i like to call "mate hunting".

heck ya im cynical, but i am realistic...you paid no attention to my comment, or at least got it....it was about "judging"...sure we have to make judgement calls, but to discredit a person because of history, i think is foolish, and totally unfair. or because a person did this or did that, so would she discriminate for something like divorce? Bad credit? Felony? Prison time served? Past drug addiction? Past Smoking? (But otherwise worthy + doing the right things NOW + changed)....or I could add to the list eating disorders for women? i know lots of girls that have that. How about women masturbating? Should I discriminate because of that? Women in the church have that problem too, its just taboo to talk about. .....so should a man not give a woman a chance because of that? or how about a man not giving a girl a change because of her figure? hair color? seems pretty fickle doesnt it?

i guess the spirit should guide you totally + i agree, but com'mon, if your going to wait on your porch youre going to wait a long time...so give a man a break, + just cause a man had a pron addiction doesnt mean your going to get felt up either.....use your head a little, dont be so paranoid."
posted at 23:53:20 on November 8, 2011 by skyteamst90
Graceful is a man    
"Just sayin'"
posted at 00:21:38 on November 9, 2011 by Anonymous
we're on the same team - skyteam    
"-Both Men & Women are sinners
-Men and Women sin differently
-Porn is a sin. and not good for men or women
-masturbating is not the same as having sex with hookers at a truckstop getting STD's (I wanted Hero to get that point)
-Natural women often inflict domestic emotional violence (shame being a key weapon) - this is why it's so important to do the work of recovery... so we can filter out the stupid women up front.. and go after the good women (who may or may not have bad credit, prison time, masturbating problems..etc..)
-a good Woman, in my book, is someone who has experienced the atonement in her life.. these types of women are very rare... and a major influence for good.
-men don't write sad letters to 1rst presidency, they typically just leave the church and carry that shame in isolation
-I believe men and women should be honest in mature adult dating relationships
-I'd love to find a good women who has masturbated in her life.. and who is trying to change.
WOULD LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that... in fact I may fast and pray for that.
-Women (just like men) get to choose who they want to marry.
-I have experienced at least 7 relationships failing because I chose to be honest about the fact I looked at porn at one point in my life
-some of these women told me that porn was just 1 factor on why they did not want to move forward.
-I think modern day women are very unhappy.. and will sit on the porch of unhappiness and loneliness for a long time.. until they get on their knees and start asking God help them understand if they should be involved with some of the good men (with problems) that come knocking on their door.
-Good Relationships bring women a ton of joy (or pain) so I feel it's very important to respect women and give them a choice.

I don't have an issue with Hero... suggesting that we all wait 2 years before dating... that is her right... and I could propose that all men not date any women for 2 years who have a food addiction.... but I don't agree with that.. I think a time needs to be spent focused on personal recovery.. and that God can lead all of us into the promised land of a strong relationship that will help us.. find God's grace even more than we do know."
posted at 20:53:17 on November 10, 2011 by gracefull
we're on the same team - skyteam    
"-Both Men & Women are sinners
-Men and Women sin differently
-Porn is a sin. and not good for men or women
-masturbating is not the same as having sex with hookers at a truckstop getting STD's (I wanted Hero to get that point)
-Natural women often inflict domestic emotional violence (shame being a key weapon) - this is why it's so important to do the work of recovery... so we can filter out the stupid women up front.. and go after the good women (who may or may not have bad credit, prison time, masturbating problems..etc..)
-a good Woman, in my book, is someone who has experienced the atonement in her life.. these types of women are very rare... and a major influence for good.
-men don't write sad letters to 1rst presidency, they typically just leave the church and carry that shame in isolation
-I believe men and women should be honest in mature adult dating relationships
-I'd love to find a good women who has masturbated in her life.. and who is trying to change.
WOULD LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that... in fact I may fast and pray for that.
-Women (just like men) get to choose who they want to marry.
-I have experienced at least 7 relationships failing because I chose to be honest about the fact I looked at porn at one point in my life
-some of these women told me that porn was just 1 factor on why they did not want to move forward.
-I think modern day women are very unhappy.. and will sit on the porch of unhappiness and loneliness for a long time.. until they get on their knees and start asking God help them understand if they should be involved with some of the good men (with problems) that come knocking on their door.
-Relationships are often the center of a woman's life.. and can bring women a ton of joy (or pain) so I feel it's very important to respect women and give them a choice.

I don't have an issue with Hero... suggesting that we all wait 2 years before dating... that is her right... and I could propose that all men not date any women for 2 years who have a food addiction.... but I don't agree with that.. I think a time needs to be spent focused on personal recovery.. and that God can lead all of us into the promised land of a strong relationship that will help us.. find God's grace even more than we do know."
posted at 21:13:09 on November 10, 2011 by gracefull


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006