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Getting Destroyed....I need a reason to fight
By warrior
10/23/2011 9:15:49 PM
I typed up a whole blog then it was deleted. so frustrating. just like this past week. I lost just about every day. twice in a day a few times. I have lost my will to fight. Life has been frustrating. this stupid addiction requires so much out of me.

for the most part, I manage life as a half-addict. I go about my days. I read scriptures, do good, work full-time..yahta yahta. You can read my boastful blog from Oct. 1. But I am still a complete addict. I rarely lose this bad. I usually act out once a week or once every two weeks. Somehow I feel that this is good enough. I really don't feel like I can truly beat this anyway.

I still do things in life i enjoy. I still make money. i still attend church and serve in my callings. I have plenty of friends. I went on a fun date Friday. I am a completely normal guy in any old young single adult ward.

But I don't intend to fully recover?? I don't seem to want to do what it completel requires?? I have conditioned myself to accept this half-addict life.

I am not the usual addict on this blog who now have a wife and children and has to support them. Wow, that is rough! I don't have to take care of anyone but myself (And I'm not the best at that) I come and go as I please. I don't spend money frivolously. I like to live like a monk. Im the reason the Prophet has to rebuke the guys who aren't getting married.
I read these blogs about the pain/anguish this causes wives and also see the trauma that this did to my mom, and I am not even remotely excited about marriage. Seems way toooo intense! I don't even like a little drama in a one month relationship.

Why should I try?? I try only with the hope that I might be able to date seriously by next summer. but it seems so far away. I am not even temple worthy. I couldn't take someone to the temple even if I wanted.

I just want to stay clean enough so i don't lose my job or cause anyone else substantial damage. You are all welcome to tell me otherwise. I do realize that Im getting older and running out of excuses...but i try not to think too hard about it or I get super depressed.

Comments:

Feeble knees and hands that hang down!!!    
"Your condition is shared by a great many. If I read between the lines, your acting out is the act of masturbation. Have you ever thought of it as a symptom of something even bigger? I am not a therapist but here are some questions that might spark that desire to fight for that "Joy and Happiness that surpasses all understanding". Not just momentary pleasure.
1. Do I really believe that I am a child of God, created in His image and that He truly does love me?
2. Why in the world would Jesus offer up himself and be crucified in the most cruel manner so that I might not suffer if I would repent? I don't feel like repenting anyway.
3. If he does love me, maybee He can give me a reason to stop, a reason to hope and a reason want to like Him. Will God really give me a reason?
4. What if my acting out gets worse and I start acting out in public? What will happen then?
5. Living in solitude sucks. Is there another way to live? Heavenly Father I need your help on this one too.
6. Do I enjoy looking at Pornography that shows same sex and pedophilia imagery?
7. This is all so depressing.

You do have a reason to stop acting out. Loosing your job? Doubtful but possible. Damaging others - yes.

The only sure Damage Control program that will bring you relief and happiness is The Atoning Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The LDS 12 Step Program that offers help with Pornography and Sex Addiction will bring you closer to Christ then you can imagine.

By your own admittance you are out of control. Welcome. All of us have been that way too. Come to meetings - come to at least 6 meetings. You can find hope and a reason to fight for the happiness and freedom that you deserve. Yes, you deserve all the best that Heavenly Father has to offer. If there were those in your childhood who should have been there for you but were not, if there were those who abused you or neglected you - that is another reason why you have to fight. Let there be no damaged or broken or neglected people in your Book of Life.

You Can't do this alone. God can. Why don't you let Him. At least let him try because you are worth it.

Warrior, please stay close. I don't come here as often as I should but you have given me a REASON to want to come back here."
posted at 23:29:03 on October 23, 2011 by 3R's
Why would you want to do better?    
"It is not even a matter of the joy, happpiness, or anything else you get out of being clean.

The real question is, do I love he Lord, and do I love him enough just because he is? That's right, loving God and his Son because they are, and because they gave you this plan, your plan which was custom designed just for you his Warrior.

If you take the focus off yourself and shift all focus on HIM, you will heal and be blessed as a consequence.


Have you thought about not making this about you and what you are going to get out of it, or what you won't get out of the deal. It is not about fear, guilt, or anything in the future. It is about you standing before your glorious God knowing that he is the great I AM.

Please remember that because his is everything, he will make all things right."
posted at 23:49:50 on October 23, 2011 by Anonymous
Fellow Warrior    
"Your post also shows honesty and a desire to fight. Let's face it, ...if I held your head under water for a minute you would do everything in your power to fight me and catch your breath. Because of your honesty and your ever present awareness of what is going on around you, let's put on our armor and go to battle.

Have you ever played Paint Ball? It's a blast, even when you are getting peppered with paint balls. Your welts eventually go away but after each battle you are a little wiser and a little more cautious and a little more courageous. And if Satan does a foot sweep or a flying side kick, take evasive action. Remember, you are not an Army of One. You cannot do this alone. Follow the Savior's battle plan and let's be victorious brother!"
posted at 13:22:28 on October 24, 2011 by 3R's


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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967