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MARRIAGE COUNSELING
By momof5
10/13/2011 12:39:58 AM
So we are doing mort fertel marriage counseling. It says you need to give it at least 1 year before you decide on a divorce. He says for the sake of your kids and for the sake of even if the marriage doesn't last you will have changed for the better for the next relationship. So my husband and I commited to do that so he says I would like to come home now? I said as long as you promise within that year you will not leave and sleep overnight anywhere besides home!

BUT DOES THAT MEAN I DIDN"T STICK TO MY BOUNDARY? I AM SO BAD AT THIS BOUNDARY STUFF! HE hasn't only been kicked out of the house for two weeks. I mean what did he really learn from this boundary because he loves being on his own. Does anyone have any advice for me????? I am going to a counselor at Lifestar tomorrow for a second time. I want to heal my heart and mind no matter what comes of this relationship.

Sorry for the long blog. But I do have a question it has been 18 months since I found out about my husband's addiction to pornography. Why don't I feel better yet? Will it take years? And wouldn't I be able to move past it quicker if we weren't together? Sorry I just am feeling so lost tonight?

Comments:

Momof5    
"What was your boundary when he left? Did you want to see him do active recovery? Going to 12 step SA group, having a sponsor. If all your boundaries have been met and you feel he is SHOWING BY HIS ACTIONS, not his words, that he is seeking recovery and you are comfortable with that decision, you have prayed, asked the Fathers will, not what I think or what anyone else thinks for that matter. What does you Father in Heaven think? Then you will have confidence. He will answer you immediately. Just ask.

It has been well over 2 years since D day for me. I have been going to Spouses recovery meetings twice a week for close to 2 years. When I concentrated my efforts on my healing and what I needed and what my home and family needed, not what the addict needed then recovery and healing started. It takes time to heal, you have to work at it. You need support, just like when you are recovering from a bad car accident that messed up your legs and arms, you need to go to therapy to learn how to use those injured muscles again. It is painful, you do not want to hurt more, why can't this stop and just go back to like it used to be before all this happened. Sister, all I can say to you is that it is worth the effort. Walking again is worth the pain of therapy. My healing required me to take action. If you asked me , are you healed yet, I would have to tell you, No.....but I am so much better, so much stronger, life is good. I have read in many recovery books for spouses that healing for a spouse can take up to 5 years or more. That is normal...... be patient with the process, it works, I promise you that. You cannot short cut it, duck around it, skip it. Those who will not put the effort and work into their own recovery rarely learn to walk again, or if they do, there is a significant limp, or they get tripped up easily.

Pray, ask if you would do better if your husband was not around, what is His will for you and your family. The Lord told me to kick him out! That is not what I wanted to hear. But, when I finally had enough strength to do that, I felt the peace I had been seeking.

We were not separated long, a few days really. But, it was what WE needed. So, PRAY.

Love and prayers,"
posted at 02:08:19 on October 13, 2011 by Hero
Boundaries    
"Letting him home so that you can mutually work on your relationship is not breaking your boundary....wasn't that what you said to him in the first place...that he is welcome if he is willing to WORK, but he has to leave when he refuses to meet the conditions that will keep your family safe?

I was re-reading He Restoreth My Soul and the part about wives healing....there is a story in there that sounds a lot like you. The wife was able to forgive and find peace, but it was a journey with 1000's of revelations, step by step, line upon line for her. Be patient with yourself.

This makes me think of Hales talk in conference...

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng"
posted at 11:14:28 on October 13, 2011 by maddy
I understand    
"Dear Momof5,
I haven't visited this site for a long time. I decided to today because I am having a bad day, I guess. My husband told me about his 18 year long porn addiction 2 years ago next month. We had been married 10 years. He hid this addiction from me the whole time. When we were dating he told me that he had looked at porn as a teen and had repented before his mission, but it was a lie. He started at age 13 and never stopped. I was traumatized to learn that I had built my life and family around this man and he had lied to me and gone out of his way to deceive me the entire time I have known him.

I have read a few of your posts and I can relate to nearly everything you have talked about. In one post you questioned if you got a divorce, would you just remarry another porn addict? Well, I did. I was an innocent, naive, cheerful 19 year old when I married a return missionary in the temple. He was so mean from our honeymoon forward. I never caught him, but I am convinced now, because I can look back and recognize the signs, that he was a sex addict. We divorced after just one year of marriage. I was still so young (only 20) and had no kids so it was easier to leave. Well, I was traumatized by the whole situation and I worried about loosing my salvation because of temple covenants, but getting out wasn't so hard with no kids.

I then think I am wiser than before and I will be more careful the next time I marry. So I speak up and ask the guys I am dating if they look at porn and mb. My future hubster tells me no, and I naively believe him. I still think most LDS guys are good and my ex was just a fluke. I think I married my second husband because I now had such a low sense of self worth. I thought no good LDS guys would want me because I wasn't a virgin. I was grateful he could see past it. I fell for all his lies.

You wondered if your husband could be addicted for ten years and only look at porn. I am sure that is possible but it wasn't the case with my husband. His addiction and the lines he was willing to cross got worse and worse every year. When he first disclosed his addiction to me, he watered down the seriousness of it to me and to the bishop. I kept having feelings that he wasn't telling me everything. He would promise me had had disclosed everything but it was a lie. On 3 occasions I was even inspired as to specific questions to ask him. It took six long painful weeks for him to disclose everything.

He has been clean since the day he confessed nearly two years ago. However, I still resent him. I struggle so much with forgiveness. I resent that he lied to me when we were dating. I would never have married him if I had known he was lying to get a temple recommend. I think about how my life could have turned out so differently. I used to be such a nice, happy young girl with a bright future. Now I am bitter and resentful. I can feel the weight of my resentment on my soul. I know it is hurting who I am. Yet, I still can't seem to forgive. I want to but I can't. I want to be like Jesus and I hope for salvation. I fear I am going to loose everything because I am so weak. I am failing this mortal test. I failed at marriage. I failed at forgiveness.

You wondered if you could forgive more quickly if you weren't together. Well, I have thought the same things. I also had to forgive my first husband and that was easier after we divorced. I could move on and not think about him. This time is much harder. The whole situation is harder. We have children. I feel so trapped. If I didn't have kids, I would have left him. I know my kids would be traumatized if their dad moved out. I don't want to hurt them like that. I know their childhoods will be more secure if they're parents live together. I also know I can't financially support them. If I went back to work, my little ones would suffer there too. I have three young kids and a fourth due next month (don't ask me how that happened :0) )

I'm sorry to rant so long on your post. I guess I am having a feeling sorry for myself day and I just got carried away. I am grateful to read your posts. It helps me feel less alone. Many of the women I have talked to are still in love, just hurt by their husband's addictions. I lost that feeling of in love the first year of my marriage, long before I knew of his addiction. Now I don't think I will ever feel that way again. I just hope I can forgive. I wish it wasn't so hard for me. I wish I was more like Jesus."
posted at 14:09:57 on October 20, 2011 by Anonymous
Healing a relationship damages by Pornography    
"I have found this video to be very important to my recovery. Geoff Steurer really puts the pain I have caused my wife, and how she feels into beautiful words.

http://rhyllcroshaw.tumblr.com/"
posted at 15:17:05 on October 20, 2011 by jblackb
Mom of 5, Anon    
"Thank you both for such honesty in what you write. This road is a long one, and my prayers are with you every day. I also pray for your husbands, because this whole thing is such a mess, and until an addict understands, all the way down to core of his being the pain he has caused, he may never really feel motivated to tell 100% of the truth to his wife.

I was not only injured, but my children were injured badly by my husband’s addiction. Even though my husband never exposed me or our children to porn, the spirit of it permeated our home in ways my husband could have never known. Had he understood, he would have never looked once. You see, Satan and billions of his Angels would have our addicted loved ones believe that their little sin was private and not really hurting their wives and children. Often they believe that because they are not really with a live person, they are still living according to the commandments and covenants of God. They sometimes may believe that their little sin can be resolved between God and them alone. They find their way around true repentance and Satan is more than happy to provide lots of suggestions. Because of these little suggestions, I have noticed that the longer this addiction goes unchecked and fully repented of, the worse it becomes.

The problem with this thinking is that it is not in line with the way we were meant to live and walk daily with God. It does not lead us to be true followers of Jesus Christ. God expects us, as imperfect human beings to face him according to his terms, and that is a hard and humiliating thing to do. It truly takes a broken heart and a contrite spirit to stand before God, Men (Bishop & sponsor), and Wife, before the sin is washed clean. And make no mistake; he must confess 100% of everything to his wife before he is clean, as he has sinned against her. And when a man is at that point, he is willing to stand accountable for years, if need be to do whatever it takes to help those he has harmed become whole again. He gives everything because he now knows that holding back and only repenting half way serves the Devil so perfectly. No list of rules will be necessary if a man is truly humble. Because the depths of his soul will tell him all that is needed for him to be whole and he will love God, his wife, and children more than he loves himself and his sins.

My husband use to be the man that held back a piece of his heart from me and from God. Therefore he never truly repented of his sins. Did he confess his sins? You bettcha, lots of times. And lots of times that seemed to be all that was required of him by men. But the Lord has another plan and that plan involves true remorse. He finally figured that out and he is a new man in Christ because of it

I just felt that I needed to share that, so I hope it helps someone.

I wanted to respond regarding forgiveness to some us wives who struggle with forgiving our husbands. First and foremost, we only need to be willing to forgive, because forgiveness is the Lord's. If we are truly willing to forgive, the Lord will one day open the gate, and you will feel it flow from your heart into the hearts of those who need to be forgiven. Sometimes that happens quickly, other times it takes years. Please be patient and kind with yourselves. Please trust that God will open the door to forgiveness in his perfect timing. Just be willing and open, for that incredible day. Please don't feel the pressure to rush it. It took me a long time, but the day finally came, and I will never be the same again.

Are you attending some kind of recovery program (preferably a 12 step) for co-addiction. orcodependency? The reason I ask this question is because in my opinion, it is absolutely necessary for you to do this in order for you to heal. Because we are married to addicts, we became very sick and we have as much a need to heal before we can be made whole. I personally feel that the 12 step process is what has helped me forgive my husband.

Please understand that I would never boast of myself, because I am well aware of my weaknesses as well as where any strength to endure comes from. But I am amazed at how many men attend 12 steps, and how few wives are attending the spouse support meetings. We will see a few new sisters who come expecting to support their addicted loved ones, only to learn that because they were harmed, they too have need for the Atonement through the same processes that their husband's use. Honestly and sadly there are few wives who embrace it. Often wives send their husbands to "get fixed" from their addiction and those same men are expected to come home, be good, and go on. The problem is that this seldom works well. I use to have that mindset, but I have changed my thinking and believe that our husbands need us to do these steps as much as they need to do them. The healing process is the same for the sinned as for the sinned against. This idea is hard to embrace when we were the ones, along with our children who were injured through their addiction. We are tired and worn out. But we still need this process to heal our broken hearts. The couples I see healing are the one’s who are both working their steps.

I often hear and have personally said, “Why must I repent, when I have been hurt?” Well, because I am married to an addict, and I have sinned in order to cover the pain, or to help hide or protect myself, my husband, or others. Most of us develop coping methods which are more in line with Satan's plan, than God's plan. We don't even know we are doing it at the time, but it usually happens. In the process we become lost and we sin. I often meet women who have become addicted to something while trying to numb their pain. Gee, isn’t the Devil and his friends great? He can destroy so many families with this plan alone.

My point here is, if you have not already begun working on your own step process, I would advise you do so as soon as possible. And, I add that you not only attend the meetings, but work your steps daily. Those steps are healing my heart as I work them daily for about a year and a half now.

My husband says that my personal accountability and support of him is helping him heal faster. And, I know that his willingness to face the whole truth and be accountable has helped him to become the man of God his is today. Even though he was very active in church all of his life, he was not always a follower of Christ. But he sure is now, and I know this by the way he lives his life.

I hope I am making sense here. I wanted to share what was in my heart, but do so quickly as I am rushing to get ready to go to my meeting tonight.

I leave this message with you with love in my heart for my sisters in Christ and their addicted brothers who know in their hearts that they want to step up and become men of God. They only need to know HIM to find their way.

Love ,
Angel "
posted at 20:01:28 on October 20, 2011 by angelmom
Angel,    
"Thank you, Angel. Your message is encouraging. :) I was going to the 12 Step program. My husband and I took turns going so the other could take care of the kids. When I got sick with pregnancy a few months ago I stopped going and I just haven't taken myself back. I am sure you are right that I need to get myself there again."
posted at 08:20:30 on October 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Yes anon    
"But most importantly, do your step work st home.
You just had a baby so take care of yourself, and enjoy your baby...
You are in my prayers."
posted at 09:54:19 on October 21, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990