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Update!!!! The boundary is Still in Place!
By momof5
10/3/2011 3:44:19 PM
So this is an update. My husband has been gone now for exactly a week. Yesterday he decided to come home. Well I was not home and he called me and started going off! I can't believe you changed the locks on the house. I said I can't believe you left. I told you the boundary was if you left I would change the locks and pack your stuff up. He said some horrible things to me and I just told him that I love him and I hope he gets the help he needs. He told me he went to the 12 step group and the guys in there are not him because he does not have an addiction. So he refuses to go to 12 step, refuses to go to therapy, refuses pretty much everything. So I guess my boundary did not work because he is refusing to be a part of this family! I really can't say whether the leaving is a part of the addiction or the mental illness. But either way I told him the kids were hurt and crying every week when he would leave for a few days and then come back. So I told him that this boundary is to protect the hearts of my children and for my relationship. I will not be with someone who leaves every week. By the way he says he wants a divorce. So if anyone knows of any job openings. I also keep tellling him he is strong enough to win satan and he has to rely on heavenly father.

I wish my husband would want his family more than whatever is going on with him!!! But guess what I think I have finally gotten the first step under my belt! I realize I am powerless over my husband's addictions!! I just wish I could keep my eternal family. But maybe someday I will understand why? Thanks to all of you for posting here keep it up:)

Comments:

Rough    
"Life is rough. You sound very strong though. I'm so sorry for you. I will pray for you and him and your kids."
posted at 15:55:10 on October 3, 2011 by Sugarg
patience    
"I would not jump to the conclusion that your boundary has not worked. You have found a level of peace in your home I am sure. You handled this situation amazingly well.

I would say that more than not, addicts that attend a 12 step group for the first time are in as much denial as anyone. Your husbands response is a classic response for the addict. Or they attend the group 12 weeks do not put the work in and then feel like they have done thier time.

Here is a blog I stumbled upon today. It must have been for you! This is what recovery looks like. This is the behavior we should be looking for. Spouses motto: Believe Behavior!!!

http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=4345 "
posted at 16:12:28 on October 3, 2011 by Hero
(((HUGS and PRAYERS)))    
"I would say that YOUR boundary is working. It's there to keep you and your children safe. With you keeping it in place, it is, indeed, working. Now, the boundary was not to get your husband to do anything (remember, you can't control him), but to set your mind at ease for you.

This sucks. I was there. My husband never actually left, but he was so close to and I kept my boundaries. I told him it was his choice, we'd miss him etc. He threatened divorce and started doing research too. This is just a major summary of what really happened. Needless to say, he decided to stay. I didn't let his onry mood affect my feelings of myself - my self esteem. I would be ok w/ or w/o him. I was safe with me.

Keep it up. Again, I know this is so scary and unreal. (((HUGS)))"
posted at 01:25:26 on October 4, 2011 by confidence
So proud of you    
"I have such mixed emotions reading this. Strongest is how amazed I am at your strength. I believe with my whole heart that what you are doing is right and that you are establishing healthy rules that he can thrive by following. We can only enter the Lord's house if we follow specific rules and our homes should be like the temple. You are saying to him that the emotional manipulation and instability cannot be a part of a holy home. That is truth. You are making a righteous stand. All he needs to do is stand with you.

The other emotion is such sadness that he is not choosing such a simple, beautiful, healthy road at this time. I hope that he will go through whatever journey he needs to so that he can realize what he needs to change. I believe it is possible and will pray that he does.

You have my support!"
posted at 12:50:44 on October 4, 2011 by maddy
Geez    
"That is some seriosu denial."
posted at 13:22:14 on October 4, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Jobs    
"Check USAJOBS.GOV

There are jobs all over the country in lots of fields. Working for the government has it's perks. God bless. I'll be praying for you!"
posted at 13:28:49 on October 4, 2011 by maddy
I think your boundaries are working..    
"We have a great marital therapist who explains that our temple covenants are with the Lord. IF we do our part, and our spouse wanders off, we can ask the Lord to go retrieve them. That is the covenant.. the person has their free agency but the Lord wil do his part to remind them.

I say you are doing this perfectly. you held your ground. you were nice about it. He will be bitter and angry at first and then hopefully his heart will soften and he will humble himself and go get help. Be prepared to have your expectations ready for what needs to happen for him to come home.. Be specific.. is it 4 12 step meetings? is it setting up a counseling visit?is it all the above and an apolgy?

good luck!"
posted at 10:00:34 on October 5, 2011 by Hurtallover


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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987