Good relationship, bad situation.
By SugarG
10/3/2011 1:07:51 AM
I am just looking for some help and don't know where to find it, I don't know who to talk to that might be in my situation. I have read many blogs and can understand very clearly how others are feeling. So don't think that I am trying to brag. I have had so much pain and hurt that I don't know where to start or what to do. I feel I need to find someone to talk to in my similar situation. So here it is. Please help if you have experienced anything similar: My husband is my best friend. He is a good Dad. He loves truth. Our marriage is not perfect by any means. We have lots of issues to work out. But I do love him dearly. The huge issue is he is addicted to pornography. I've know for a long time and he's struggled with it and then become worthy again. I just didn't know how addictive it is. I don't think anyone who has helped him become worthy again knew how addictive it is because no one addressed that he might be addicted, just addressed the sin. Well it's almost been a year now that he's been looking again. I've handled it by simply totally forgetting and ignoring it. Because if I did ever think about it or talk to him about it, I hated the huge arguements it caused, the lack of intimacy that followed, him closing down and not talking to me because he felt so bad about himself. (He'd do stuff like stay in bed all day.) Then about 5 weeks ago I broke both of my wrists. He took very good care of me. But in the early evenings when I had nothing to do but be in bed and read or sleep he'd tuck me in and then go to the computer. I'd wake up at 2:00 in the morning and he'd still be gone. I had an impression almost audible that he is addicted to it. Since then I have grasped the reality of it and I am an absolute basket case. I've read everything I can get my hands on. I don't sleep much, now i"m on the computer late at night while he goes to bed, maybe that's a good switch!:>) I am having a hard time functioning as a mom because all I want to do is read, read the family/spouses manuel, I ordered a book I've been reading. I couldn't watch general conference much because everything flashed "PORNOGRAPHY" in my face. I had to leave to the bathroom to cry my eyes out several times. I've talked to him about it a couple of times and he says he wants to quit but he doesn't want to feel like I am trying to cure him. He's very stubborn, he doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do. So I told him I'd quit trying to cure him. Can I really just not do anything about this? What can I do? He also says I need to learn how to deal with it because "what if he never gets over it." That makes me think there is no hope. Also, we've had some struggles with our new bishop (before he was the bishop) and I know my husband will never go talk to him. He doesn't feel he can trust him or anyone (he says he'd never go to a counselor), the stake president said he needs to go to the bishop too. I'm afriad he thinks he can do it on his own. I'm afraid he's getting tired of me crying so much. I don't know how to get myself under control. I don't think of leaving him. I need him and love him too much! But I am so afraid it will destroy him, that it will destroy our marriage, that he will become so poisoned that he will leave us and that it will destroy our children's lives. I almost feel like I need to just recognize that's what's going to happen, grieve over it and move on with my life. I don't know what else to say but maybe there is a husband out there who might know how he is feeling and could give me some insight. Or maybe there is a wife out there who has experienced something similar and can give me advice. Thanks


"First, you have the right to a home that does not have the influence of pornography in it.
You are going to need support! Find a support group. Pasg's. Or Family Support Group, for spouses whose husband has a sexual addiction. You are in trauma, all of the physical and emotional effects of trauma. This is a natural response. Your life as you knew it has changed in a dramatic way. The confirmation from the spirit that he has an addiction, your husband, the good father. My husband was a good man too, that is what I told my therapist. He said good men do not do this..... Ouch! Ok, first step out of denial. Now what do I do? I floundered around trying to manage what he should do until I realized I was totally consumed and had lost my self. I went to my Stake President and asked to start a group, that was almost two years ago. This journey is not an easy road, it is full of many tornados. But well worth all your effort. You cannot control his recovery bur you can control yours.
Set boundaries! How do you want to live your life and how will you let another impact your life.
I do not have much time right now. Go to the spouses side of this site and you will find more discussions by sisters who are in your exact situation. Angel will be there to help you and Maddy, Crushed...they have been where you are right now and will reach out to you.
Your healthy boundaries will do more to influence you husband for good. They can effect a mighty change in you and your families life. They will give you a cense of action that will help minimize the trauma you are feeling. Prayers. And love ......"
posted at 09:59:14 on October 3, 2011 by Hero

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987