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By zoca
9/23/2011 3:42:09 AM
I am new to the web site and new to this situation. Yesterday I found out that my husband had been struggling with pornography for the last 2 and a half years. We've been married for 3 years! I'm devasted! I need lots and lots of consels and tips on what to do and how to act. but the thing i need the most right now is to hear succefull experieces...i need to know that there is hope for us and oir marriage...i am pregnant with our first child and i love my husband so much i need our marriage to work! the only thing i know about pornography addiction is that is extremly hard to deal with..especially with all the technology now a days....my husband confessed that he usually takes his phone to the bathroom where he can access all those porn websites...and i didnt have a clue...until yesterday where i felt prompted to open the bathroom door and i caught him in the act!!we talked and he was was devasteded he said he has been dealing with this for years and that he was "clean" for 6 months(our first 6 months)....he is a wonderful person, and i love him so much...but i know that our lifes will never be the same and i fear what this can to to our relationship....please help me!!what should i do?how do i make this heart breaking pain to go away?how do i help my struggling husband?

Comments:

Filters    
"Covenant Eyes is a great tool...It costs about $7.50 a month, however you can put it on any smart phone and computer. You can be the guardian so that he can not turn the filter off..I use this on everything and every friday you get a report of what has happened on the internet. Accountability is key to recovery."
posted at 10:06:23 on September 23, 2011 by urbnoutdrzmn
Welcome Zoca    
"Welcome to the site. As another wife my arms are open to you and my heart goes out to you. We all have different paths that lead us to this place, but this is a place of healing and I hope you find hope and strength here.

My thoughts are not in order of importance but here is a little of what has worked for me. On the side of this there is a little button in purple that says Family/Spouses Manual. Download it. Study it. Bring it in to your life. The 12 steps have helped me more than I can express. I tried to work through this on my own for 13 years after discovery. It was awful. I didn't find this program until 6 months ago and I've made more progress is recovery in these 6 months than I did in the entire 13 years prior. I wish I had this when I had just found out about my husbands addiction so long ago.

Keep that love and that perspective about your husband. You may not cycle through the emotions like I did because everyone is different...but it is very common to go from feeling hurt but loving and a "We can overcome!"-attitude to going into anger and even depression. Remember that he is a child of God and that you love him and this will be a lot easier. But don't be hard on yourself if you do find yourself on an emotional roller coaster. Let the Savior guide you through all the emotions that come.

Find a ARP or PASG meeting near you and Go! Go! Go! Don't worry about how, where or who or what, just find a way to get there.

Get the book, "He Restoreth My Soul" and read it, have your husband read it, then take a copy to your bishop and have him read it. Other people have other recommendations that are great too...never stop collecting recovery tools and this book (and the others like it) are tools I couldn't do with out now that I've found them.

Find a good therapist. Don't think that your bishop or family members can fill this role. Find someone qualified to help you through addiction recovery. This is so critical and I cannot stress it enough. I went through LDS social services to find mine, but there are therapists that specialize in this that others will probably comment about on here.

Work on you. Let go and detach from your husbands addiction. Do not try and rescue him. Do not try to fix this. Fix you. You have been through probably the shock of your life. Focus on you. Pray for him and let Christ do the work of healing him, but don't try and change your actions or thoughts to try and 'get him' to change this part of who he is. This type of thinking became my partner-addiction to my husbands addiction and it almost destroyed me. Do not let codependency make you loose yourself.

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could say that I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but I know, in my own way, what you must be feeling. I hurt for you. I cry for you. And I cry for me. This is @#!*% to go through...and I don't use that term lightly or metaphorically. But you can do it. You can make it through this with your faith stronger and your heart purified by fire. You will be better for this trial if you just lean on the Savior. I promise.

Love,
Maddy"
posted at 10:30:35 on September 23, 2011 by maddy
A Couple of Useful Resources    
"The following resource is incredible. It is free to download and contains71+ questions and answers, stories about recovery, letters from professionals, etc. It will help guide you and husband towards recovery.

http://www.salifeline.org/UnderstandPornographyBkWeb.pdf />
Read He Restroreth my Soul. This book is right on and amazing.

Many including myself have found this article helpful.

http://ldshopeandrecovery.com/overcoming-fear-when-a-spouse-is-addicted-to-pornography/"
posted at 12:01:34 on September 23, 2011 by jblackb
if you are in utah    
"If you are in Utah, attend the spouse support meetings. They are absolutely necessary for the hell you have been and will be going through. I wish you the best. We have a successful story so far. I disclosed to my wife 19 months ago and things are going really good, but it is very hard for both.

Loren"
posted at 13:46:57 on September 23, 2011 by lawrence
FIRST PRAY!!!!    
"Your are in a very intimate relationship with your Father in Heaven. You are making a body for one of His Spirit Children. I can testify that He will answer your prayers and give you direction in your particular situation.

Take care of yourself first and always remember, put this on your mirror if you will need to remind yourself, I DID NOT CAUSE THIS, I CANNOT CURE THIS, I CANNOT CONTROL THIS,
THIS, being his addiction.

Do not get overwhelmed with this situation, recovery is so much like the gospel, line upon line precept upon precept. Recovery one day at a time one step at a time. This goes for both the spouse and the addict.

Do as Maddy suggested! Download the manual on the left of the screen and read. Get Dr. Hilton's book to start with. Go to the websites that JblackB has suggested. including the church website. combatingpornography.org go to the spouses side of this site, you will find blogs that will help you.

Is there hope! You bet there is. Can you ever be the same, NO, you can be better, made whole though the blood of your Savior Jesus Christ. You can have the most amazing marriage, more beautiful than you have ever dreamed of. But, this is no gift! It takes work and commitment. You are worth it, your unborn child is worth it, your family if worth it. Your Savior, your Heavenly Father, The Holy Ghost, will be your guides through this recovery process. They will direct you to people whom will have experience and can help you.

You are in shock right now! Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Get a priesthood blessing from your Bishop. Feel all that you need to feel. Do not worry about what your responses to this trauma will do to your husband. Feel it, live it, give it to your Savior, all the pain, all the ugly stuff. He cannot take it until you ask him to. Pray for angels to protect you and your home. Cast Satan and his angels out!!

Prayers to you ZOCA
Knowledge is POWER!"
posted at 18:52:41 on September 23, 2011 by Hero
Hope for your family    
"As Hero Said, there is hope, and it sounds like you are married to someone who is willing to do what it takes to get well. This is harder than you think it is. What just happened is like a death. It is the death of the marriage you thought you had.

Now the secret is out and healing can begin. I am convinced that many in the church have no idea what knowing the Savior really means. I was oone of those. Only those who have suffered understand on a very personal level what it means to really need the Savior to heal their addictions and broken hearts.

You did not want this and never saw it coming. I think of the pioneers who thought they found Zion, only to be driven out back on the trail to endure more hardship. I believe all who blazed that trail have found Zion and they are now on the other side helping us pull our handcarts. You are part of those who are blazing a trail for all those who come after you.

There is so much hope, and an oppertunity to come unto Christ like you have never known. And yes, the same is true for your broken husband.

My husband and I have attended 12 step meetings for 1 1/2 years. We both work our steps and arre finding healing through Jesus Christ. This is our trial and it not a mistake. I know that now, but did not know it when we first faced this ugly truth.

We are healing and have found a closeness and love like we have never known. My husband has almost a year of sobriety and now gives hope to other men who are trapped. I in turn do the same for women who feel no hope. This service is changing the course of our lives and Heavenly Father is there helping us. My husband is a good man as well, but because of his addiction, our home was void of the protection of the priesthood at times and that hurt our entire family as we now have 2 children with various addictions.

You have come to this truth early on in your journey and that is a blessing that is huge!!!

I am here for you. I love you, and your name will be in my prayers and in the Temple on my next visit.

It takes time, but you can heal, and so can you husband. Pray, Pray, and Pray some more.

Angel

BTW, It has been a while since I have posted on this blog. If you want to know more about my journey, you can go to the loved one's only section and click on my name.s"
posted at 20:09:55 on September 23, 2011 by angelmom
ZOCA    
"I am so sorry you are going through this right now. As a wife of a porn addict myself I feel your pain. I wish I could give you a hug. I can tell you the thing that helped me the most was prayer, supprt group PSAG, also the book I am reading right now is amazing. It is called " Lord, I believe help thou mine unbelief." by Rod Jeppsen it is for spouses of addicts. I will pray for you Zoca."
posted at 22:15:17 on September 23, 2011 by momof5
Welcome    
"Zoca, I have been thinking about your situation and trying to come up with something smart and wonderful to say... I can't think of anything... I just want to say welcome. I hope you can find the strength and guidance you need to deal with this situation. I'm glad it was discovered early. There are people here and I hope you come back often and let us be a support on your journey through this as well and us learning from your experiences.

I have seen some wonderful advice on this site... and frankly, I've seen some that is terrible also. I think that each of us needs to rely on the spirit to guide us in our unique circumstances. Heavenly father, who loves you, will not leave you comfortless during this hard time. I hope you will use this opportunity to come closer to the Lord and let your testimony grow as you watch the atonement in action.

Once again, welcome.

-Cactus"
posted at 18:11:58 on September 24, 2011 by cactus
Hi Zoca    
"From this moment, things can only get better and that is the good news.
It is great news because all involved feel like absolute crap in the beginning.
Slowly it will get better, it needs a lot of time, no one can heal from this quickly.

Let time tick and let him take responsibility for his healing and you worry about you.

I can tell you we can heal and things will get better.

God bless."
posted at 20:04:30 on September 24, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Zoca-    
"Your story hurts to hear. I am so sorry for your pain. I am so glad you found this website. It would have been nice for me to have earlier. Address every pain and hurt. I tried to be strong and "handle" this problem a little too early. It's ok to be hurt. Your question breaks my heart..."how do i make this heart breaking pain to go away?" Sister, I wish I had a quick fix answer for you. I'm afraid it will have to take it's coarse. I wanted so bad to have the hurt go away. I want you to know that I do have moments of wonderful joy with my husband and family...I do know that it is worth this fight we are fighting. The wonderful moments are what get me through the pain that sometimes comes without warning. Be easy on yourself. You are in shock. It will take time to get out of. I received blessings from my dear bishop...everytime he blessed me "that I could bare my burden". Never did he tell me that it will go away. I am handling it...sometimes better than others, but progress has been made. If you can I would see a counselor, marriage and by yourself. I too love my husband, he is also a great man. Remember your love for your husband, hold onto the good times.
I am concerned about your being pregnant. I don't think I could have handled knowing this during a pregnancy. Try to find things that relax you. Take care of yourself. You cannot heal your husband. Work on your own healing. I tried so hard to "help" fix my husband...it did no good. And at the end of the day, I was still a mess.
Please please take care of yourself. Please come to this website if it is a good outlet for you. Do not suffer in silence.
I want you to know that my home does have love in it. I love my husband so much! We have a problem...a big one...but love is there too.
Take care sister
Love, summer"
posted at 15:30:41 on September 25, 2011 by summer
how i got my ex back    
"I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my husband 2weeks ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too she told about Dr paul. I email Dr Paul the spell caster and i told him my problems and i did what he asked of me, Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 3days and i am so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Paul for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too.email (altimatespelltemple@gmail.com)I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too"
posted at 01:07:30 on July 27, 2013 by Anonymous


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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006