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Peace & plenty here abide
By confidence
9/16/2011 9:47:38 PM
Love at Home : 1 — There is beauty all around
When there's love at home;
There is joy in ev'ry sound
When there's love at home.
Peace and plenty here abide,
Smiling sweet on ev'ry side.
Time doth softly, sweetly glide
When there's love at home.
Love at home, love at home;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide
When there's love at home.
I'm so anxious right now. I don't trust my husband. I want to sooo bad. But, I just can't "allow" that in my head, body and heart. I keep trying, but the PTSD fights back and says no way!

I think I was so good with my boundaries, actions and having the spirit's abundance all last week with all his drama that I didn't get sucked into, that I am exhausted!

I have been feeling so icky inside about there being something else going on. Last night, I found that he'd done 2 searches on his wallpaper app for porn. Of course when I asked him about it today, he denied it. Then, after I told him of the evidence, he caved. He said he was sorry. I said I was hurt and this messes me up again. He said he understands.

But... does he really understand? I keep on thinking he means what he SAYS, but then, he comes back, says he "never" said (blank), that I'm lying; a horrible wife that he has to "put up with," that doesn't accept him and can't communicate.

Then, the next day, he'll say he's so sorry and was wrong saying those things. That I'm not perfect, however, I am not those awful swear words and descriptions he says I am. He reminds me how he feels so awestruck that he even "got" me, and that he's so blessed to have me (he's said/done this even before D-day).

This SA is bad enough, but his emotions - I mean is this a war he's starting, or are we supposed to be love birds? Maybe trying to egg me on so he can have a reason to act out? But, he gets mad at things that I really had no intention to start any kind of hurtful reaction. It baffles me when he acts all mad because I have no idea what it is - and he won't tell me usually. Then, he blames me for not pressing him more into what is going on.

After today's about me finding his slip up(s), I reminded him about my boundaries having to do with his recovery actions and my safety feeling with sex. That I know he feels like I'm trying to make him just feel so awful and trying to get back, but I'm not, he gave me a negative look. Like what the heck are you talking about? Huh?

But, guys and gals, he did say that - repeatedly. He knows this manipulation and lying game so well I guess he has no idea when he's doing it. And/or he's not really listening to me, or to himself!?

Is this normal for an addict?

Comments:

Addict!    
"That word says it all. It is crazy! He is crazy! Addiction is crazy!
Look back on last week. Keep your confidence, knowing that God is In your corner. Faith is confidence in God. confidently expecting = faith.

Do not expect anything that resembles normalcy until he is sober. No porn for months or a year or more. All you can do is set boundaries that keep you and your children safe in this process. Work and worry about you, while your hubby, if he is seeking recovery turns into the man of your dreams!

Try reading. Partners, Healing from His Addiction, Doug Weiss. It will validate your experiences and give you understanding into his behaviors as you both heal. "
posted at 02:16:22 on September 17, 2011 by Hero
Sex addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful"    
"This saying comes from the SAA manual. I totally beleive it. your husband probably means everything he says... but that doesnt mean that he is capable of acting appropriately. This is brain damage. It's freaking baffling.

An example of the cunning/baffling-- I can sense it alot more now... I will have a desire to ask the wife for sex. I know she has to get ready to go in 30 minutes, get the kids ready, it's the wrong time of day, etc, etc.. I know its bad timing for her. Its bad timing for me.. But there's another side of me -- the addiction that tells me ."you know, she will probably say yes.. you had a good morning.. say some nice things to her, ask for a quicky, whatever" The point is that the addiction's argument to my brain seems COMPLETELY SANE AND LOGICAL TO ME AT THE TIME. even as I write this, I can see that it sounds completely dumb. Now that I have some recovery, the decision making processes in my brain are getting stronger at detecting the Insane arguments.

Our counselor gave us this advice:

when you want to confront husband (or kids for that matter) with a problem and you conduct an interrogation, their first instinct is to deny .. you arent going to like the answer.. plus it doesnt give them a chance to properly repent. Questions like "Did you look at porn?" sound a lot like "Did you take the cookies?" It's a bad long term strategy. You end up in a confrontation.

A better strategy is to say "I came across this evidence on the computer, X,Y,Z - It scares me and I hate it. " dont even say " I want to know who did it". This way , it gives him a chance to report and to fess up or not..

so all that being said.. I admit that I really suck at pulling this off."
posted at 20:14:33 on September 17, 2011 by Hurtallover
Crazy    
"This is a great post for me today. Hurtallover, your comment about cookies was spot on for something that actually happened .....as silly as it may sound...My husband has a compulsive eating, buying and lying problem along with his SA addictions and I found a box of Krispy Creme doughnuts hidden in the trash when it accidentally got tipped over. So I asked him about it. (he has literally ran up hundreds of dollars of credit card debt that he has kept hidden from me on fast food, so I was worried he was doing it again.) He started yelling and swearing at me and calling me names. I am just starting to realize how insane this whole thing is...but I suppose I shouldn't have asked, as you put it, "Did you take the cookies?" and I'll try to approach it differently in the future. At least I didn't react to his behavior, which I never could have done a few months ago. This whole things is such a waste of life's energy. It doesn't matter whether it is porn or doughnuts...this whole thing is so petty in the big picture and seems so crazy to get fixated on them. Sigh..."
posted at 21:41:26 on September 17, 2011 by maddy


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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002