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UPDATE: His leaving me/us... divorce?
By confidence
9/12/2011 4:59:58 PM
The weekend itself was ok, and he hasn't left. I actually had the spirit with me enough that t was just sooo peaceful this whole time. I KNOW angels were with me and the kids OFTEN. He and I had good talks on Saturday and Sunday. Then, we got to a point where we were making out. I told him I was interested in sex, but knew I couldn't actually go through w/ it w/o being triggered. But, he asked what he could do - he brought up the idea of him not getting there, and letting me. I asked him at least 2 times if that was really ok with him, that it wouldn't backfire on us. He smiled and said yes. So, that is what happened.

Later that night, we were still doing pretty well. He'd let me sleep for 3 1/2-4 hours (I have a cold that is wearing me out)! He came back and then asked I take care of the kids. So, I did, and I also made just him and I homemade pancakes, bacon and eggs. He lit up at that idea. I did ask he help out a bit since I'd started our dinner and just had my hands full with that and the kids. He and I enjoyed the food, watched a show (no triggers), then had some popcorn as well. We cuddled and had an enjoyable time.

I was getting more tired, so I actually went to (our) bed with him. This is unusual for me, but I thought it be helpful to keep being with him/us. Well, we talked some more, and he really wanted to keep kissing. I kept going with it because I felt like he was trying to change, and I was feeling less and less triggered because of his loving ways on Saturday/Sunday. He asked for sex, and I thought about it. I knew I didn't want it, but I was trying to find out through the spirit what to do. I felt the spirit was saying that I am not obligated to have sex with him and to feel ok w/ that. So, I explained that I don't feel good, I'm tired, and I just kept seeing myself be regretful afterwards. I don't want to hurt our relationship more due to my reactions... so no.

That is when he shut down. To sum things up, he said that I don't *really* love him. That I've "never" shown love for him, I've "never" accepted him, I've "never" cared about him. I told him that I'm sad he feels that way as we've just had a good Saturday and Sunday. He was still adamant about his feelings and opinions. I was falling asleep, and he woke me up by huffing out the room to go to bed on the couch. He came back around 3 am. I know I asked something about the possibility of him slipping while out there, and he said no. Then, I fell asleep again. However, he claims that I told him he DID slip up. I don't remember saying that, but I guess I could have at 3am.

This morning, he huffed out of bed and said something about me not really loving him. I told him I do love him and that I'm sorry I can't talk much because I'm too tired and sick. He kept stomping around the house, but I fell back to sleep.

It's the texting and one phone call that takes the cake though today. Here's what he/I have texted:

Him (first): "Why is it whenever I think you are on the wrong, and I'm hurt, you say things like I've let the addict win, it just hurts me more."

him: "I wish we both took some risks in this recovery, but it seems that I'm the only one who is putting himself out to be hurt. You sit back and say well, that sucks while I'm struggling in the mud just asking for a hand to help."
him: "I wish I could be honest with you, to tell you my feelings, but I don't feel like I'd find a caring ear."

ME: "Yes, I realize it is awful for you when I say I am uncomfortable with sex (with you getting there) and say no. I know it hurts on so many levels when i don't give all of myself to you sexually, and you did earlier for me."
me: "Are you going to call Mejken?"

Him: "I don't know. She won't really care about me anyway, and I don't know if I'll just end up hurting more than I've been. She's not the one I'm looking for love from."

ME: "Call a support friend then. They can relate. Other than me being loving through sex with you, what do you want me to do? I love you and know I have been showing it."

HIM: "Why can't you love me and talk to me?"
him: "Why is it that you can't give me sympathy, you just hide behind your boundaries and detach yourself." (this showed me that he was observing me sticking to my boundaries.)

~*~

So, then he calls me. He says more absolute statements w/ "never" etc. I did pretty well with the phone call, but I could feel myself get rescu-ey, so I tried to shut up most of the time. I reminded him that I love him and have done much for him to show him love.

HIM (2 hours later): "It looks like we can get the papers online and just need a lawyer to go over it and get it to a judge."
him: "That is if we don't have any disputes. I'm ok with you having just about everything, and I trust you'll do what's best forte (don't kno w what forte means?)."

ME: "I'm not talking about divorce until we talk to Mejken and we share things at Lifestar tomorrow."
Me: "Divorce is not what I am for. I personally agree with nothing drastic for at LEAST a year. I still love you and plan on working for our eternal marriage and family."

I really am besides myself. I don't know where this came from. I mean I get it, but I thought he was getting more positive and had a better outlook. I guess not.

I have no idea what to do. Right now, it's weird because at first I was bawling and texted the RS pres. But, now, I'm peaceful with a bit of sadness every once in awhile. I'm not saying I'm at peace with a decision for divorce, but at peace for my boundaries and actions.

Comments:

Stay Firm and Calm,    
"Here is some information for partners of SA. You are dealing with the VICTIM in the addicts mind right now. How this will help you, and validate your ecperience and your need to stay strong in your righteous boundaries.

THE VICTIM
An Emotional State of Mind
Playing "the victim" is a major strategy of the sex addict. It appears that no matter what the
situation is, he plays the victim where he has been hurt more than you. Playing "the victim" is tricky to catch, but once you identify this behavior, it will usually lead to something the addict doesn't want to take responsibility for. The victim is in an emotional state, and you can not reason with this behavior.
The victim will somehow make you believe that your behavior was worse than his.
Remember the victim is an emotional state. Don't reason with this behavior. The victim also
gets other people to rally around him. This is another way of manipulating others to do what he should
be doing. As long as you submit to this victim behavior, it will continue to operate.
To address this issue with your partner, I suggest you pick a public place like a restaurant.
Select a time when you think he is sober headed, then state that you notice a dynamic with him you would like to share. Discuss "the victim" and state what your boundaries are going to be. Then be consistent with these boundaries. He may or may not respond with some anger when you begin to initiate change in this area.
"The victim" has protected the addict from so many hard realities about himself that to grow
beyond this is painful and requires a lot of honesty on his part. Be patient but persistent with the victim and one more time, don't reason with the victim, you are wasting your time. Simply acknowledge that it "sounds like the victim" or "the victims out we will talk about this later." If these conversations get heated, call your recovery friend or group members for support."
posted at 18:11:08 on September 12, 2011 by Hero
I agree with Hero..    
"I was thinking how my addicted brain would have come up with the same conclusions that your husband did. He's suffering from addiction / recovery. You are suffering from trauma.

some of your comments gave me goosebumps of thins Ive thought about...
1. No touching you equals you dont love him... Brrr.. I had those thoughts. I still have those thoughts.
2. No sex equals you dont love him... feeling it too..
3. manipulative talking points -- " you dont care". "Maybe I should just leave since Ive done too much damage" "I get no sympathy from you", "let me draw up the divorce documents"

addiction is brain damage. It sucks havin brain damage.. It sucks being an addict in recovery and feeling all these scary thoughts and trying to learn healthy ways to deal with the pain rather than self medication.

I have sympathy for both of you. I have sympathy for myself in this (no Im not bein selfish -- just some self care). I have sympathy . I have for my wife that probably feels these same thoughts as you do. You need your boundaries to feel safe. He wants to feel safe that if all goes well, the relationship can be saved..

I dont have any answers or suggestions for you.. I just wanted to share that I feel some of the pain that both of you are feeling. What I do know is that the atonement can heal all -- eventually. I also know that well communicated boundaries delivered with love and kindness are an addicts best friend.

You and all the wives on this site are strong women and everything will work out the way it's suppose to work out. "
posted at 09:33:50 on September 13, 2011 by hurtallover
I agree with Hero..    
"I was thinking how my addicted brain would have come up with the same conclusions that your husband did. He's suffering from addiction / recovery. You are suffering from trauma.

some of your comments gave me goosebumps of thins Ive thought about...
1. No touching you equals you dont love him... Brrr.. I had those thoughts. I still have those thoughts.
2. No sex equals you dont love him... feeling it too..
3. manipulative talking points -- " you dont care". "Maybe I should just leave since Ive done too much damage" "I get no sympathy from you", "let me draw up the divorce documents"

addiction is brain damage. It sucks havin brain damage.. It sucks being an addict in recovery and feeling all these scary thoughts and trying to learn healthy ways to deal with the pain rather than self medication.

I have sympathy for both of you. I have sympathy for myself in this (no Im not bein selfish -- just some self care). I have sympathy . I have for my wife that probably feels these same thoughts as you do. You need your boundaries to feel safe. He wants to feel safe that if all goes well, the relationship can be saved..

I dont have any answers or suggestions for you.. I just wanted to share that I feel some of the pain that both of you are feeling. What I do know is that the atonement can heal all -- eventually. I also know that well communicated boundaries delivered with love and kindness are an addicts best friend.

You and all the wives on this site are strong women and everything will work out the way it's suppose to work out. "
posted at 10:15:31 on September 13, 2011 by hurtallover
There wont be a divorce    
"Im happy to see that in this post you are not purposefully witholding yourself from him. Having some boundary where you do not even allow physical intimacy and just not feeling like having sex are two different things. If he doesnt manage to get you aroused he can hardly get mad at you for not having sex. Sheesh! What did he expect you to do? do it when you DONT feel like it? Has he ever done it for you when he didnt feel like it at all? could he even do that? (physically I dont think any man could make himself become aroused if it just wasnt happening)

If I were you I would stand my ground. This divorce crap is just a manipulation. I guarantee you he wont go through with it. Stand your ground. Maintain your boundaries so long as they are just and when the time is right and you really feel like it start having sex again."
posted at 01:55:57 on September 14, 2011 by Porojukaha
Your comments are sick    
"and go against everything I have learned over many , many years . I don't get it . You need help."
posted at 02:00:59 on September 14, 2011 by Anonymous
TY:    
"Thanks Hero and HurtAllOver! Very supportive of healing for me and my relationship with my husband.

He's not gone. I've stayed so CALM with my boundaries, and with all the verbal things he's flung at me. It's been so great spiritually that I basically just call for the angels to come, and they are there. Last night, I asked Heavenly Father to send them to me again and lift me up. Well, the angels spiritually and literally LIFTED me up.

My boundaries are still strong. He has to start being sober and showing me respect w/ no abuse, and respecting my boundaries in order for me to feel safe enough to have sex with him. I SOOOO want to share that spiritually bonding moment with him. But, I'm not his "fix" machine - that is NOT God's plan for intimacy.

He's on a positive trend today - he asked me out. He said he wants to make me feel safe and do things that will show his commitment to sobriety for himself (FIRST :-)), and me. I'm still cautious as I am not sure if this is real or manipulation ... but, like I said, the spirit will guide.

I have felt YOUR prayers - in all ways one can pray. :) It's been such a spiritual eye opener for me since starting boundaries. Really free from bondage of what God did not intend for me. :)"
posted at 17:05:22 on September 14, 2011 by confidence
Do what your heart (and the spirit) tells you....    
"Confidence,
I've watched with great interest all of the "advice" you've been getting. All I can tell you is that in my experience no two couples are the same in how they deal with this, nor what the final outcome is. Out of small and simple things come great and wonderful things. Teach hubby how to just hold you without wanting sex. Trust your heart and the spirit. You are a smart and sensitive woman. There is hope for the both of you. I hope you can see it it out there. Work hard on those small and simple things that will repair your broken heart. We are fighting a war that can be won!"
posted at 17:36:48 on September 14, 2011 by chefdalet
Boundaries    
"If you decline sex or touching because it would be damaging then you are setting boundaries. If you decline sex because you don't feel like it, then you are being selfish. Sex is damaging if it is an escape from emotional connections or violates personal values (such as 'swinging'.) Sex accompanied by an emotional connection strengthens the relationship.

I would suggest that the boundary that you might want to emphasize is that sex needs to be accompanied by emotional closeness. Keep the sex going; build the emotional closeness each day by doing something for each other."
posted at 02:43:56 on September 24, 2011 by Anonymous


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981