300 days...
By cactus
9/11/2011 2:49:02 PM
... at least that is what the little number at the top of the page says. And it is true, it has been 300 days since I last MB'd... and I feel good about that but I still sometimes wonder what exactly sobriety means... I even sometimes wonder if I was truly addicted...

I wonder if the temptation will ever lessen...

I wonder if I'll ever feel really emotionally connected with my wife...

I wonder if I will ever feel normal...

I wonder if the anxiety will ever go away...

I wonder if the pain I feel in the pit of my stomach at times will ever be gone... (I do know that neither antacids nor food make it feel better)

I wonder if I could ever be whole...


Congrats!! cant wait to get to that level    
"What do think sobriety means now?
Are you saying you sitll have anxiety?

I guess the real question I would have is what does normal feel like? Maybe the anxiety is what "normal" feels like. Healthy people just deal with the anxiety different? thats what I keep going back to."
posted at 18:25:40 on September 11, 2011 by Hurtallover
"I look forward to the day when I can say that I've been clean for 300 days.

As for your anxiety, what is causing it? Your anxiety is likely the root of your temptation and your lack of connection with your wife, your feelings of not being normal, and so forth. From what I recall of your previous blog, you seemed to have a far more normal upbringing than most of the rest of us. In fact, it seemed like you were raised in the Gospel in a great family, and had an ideal life.

You might have an imbalance in your brain chemistry, or a number of other things, but you should be a lot happier than you seem to be, IMO. Whatever you do, keep on abstaining and prayerfully seek guidance from above. Say to the Lord exactly what you've posted above, and he will answer your prayer in a way you can recognize."
posted at 15:11:11 on September 12, 2011 by ddg
Go see a counselor    
"Dude, sounds like the answers to your questions are not in "not masturbating"

You are suffering from low self esteem and from shame. Both things that Satan wants you to feel. This is just another part of the addiction. If you are taking the sacrament then there is no reason that you should not have wonderful intimacy with your wife and feel as pure as the driven snow. If you dont feel that way GO SEE A COUNSELOR IMMEDIATLY!!!!!!!!!"
posted at 01:44:44 on September 14, 2011 by Porojukaha
"Another thing, whatever you do. dont get medicated. If you do have a chemical imbalance, well, the chemicals released in your brain do what your brain and spirit tell them to do for the most part. Just by changing your thinking you will change the chemical make up of your brain. Furthermore you need to start dieting and excercising properly. From your post I can tell you are not doing this or you would not have these feelings."
posted at 01:46:25 on September 14, 2011 by Porojukaha
Follow up 309 days    
"I was feeling a little low when I wrote this post... As a look back I feel like I have been slipping in my mind though not in action. I am working to enhance the emotional intimacy in my marriage. There are times that I don't feel quite normal... the anxiety I feel can be strong at times though not necessarily from any addiction... It might just be the fact that I recently moved, started a new job, bought a new house, and kind of left my support group behind...

I do feel some shame that is toxic from time to time and am working on that...

I did finally admit to my wife that I was having a hard time and feeling very tempted though I had not acted out. It was very hard for me to admit it to her but the funny thing is that once I admitted it, the temptation was greatly reduced. I am not fighting the temptation alone.

I appreciate everyone's comments.

As far as the ones about medications go... i did see my counselor a few months ago and she did a thorough depression screening on me and we decided that though my stress level has been very high, I'm not actually depressed. I have my bad days but am usually not so down. I think I wrote this last post on a bad day."
posted at 20:10:14 on September 19, 2011 by cactus
get pumped!!    
"309 days is amazing!! I always thought I would become exalted if i hit that number. I may be a struggling addict but I have learned to live super positive and fight like a warrior.

here is one of the greatest book I have ever read, "the Power of Positive Thinking" written by Norman Vincent Peale. he is a good Christian man. The spirit bore the truth of many his thoughts. Make lists of why you are awesome. Write them on 3X5 cards. Review them regularly. Even if you don't believe it. Eventually you will.

Holy crap you are doing awesome. Im not married so I don't know what's that's like. But your wife should know that for an addict to go 309 days is like finishing an Iron Man 309 times in a row. Well done!!"
posted at 14:10:15 on October 1, 2011 by Warrior
Positive Thinking    
"Thanks for the comment... I'll look into that book. I am now at 323 days and still holding on. My wife does not quite understand what a struggle it is for me but I am doing better about being connected with her and not reading too much about what she says and does.

I feel great about not acting out but at the same time I HATE the fact that the temptation is still there. I pray that someday this weakness will become a strength unto me. Hold to the rod my brothers!"
posted at 22:50:38 on October 3, 2011 by cactus

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988