Strength & Bounteous Blessings
By confidence
9/8/2011 11:28:12 AM
Exodus 15:2 — The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.
Thank you all for the comments on my blogs here. I know I would probably be steps behind if it weren't for the help, prayers, and strength I've found here.

So, I told my husband my boundaries. I told him that I'm in charge of my body now. He has to ask permission to touch me in any way (hand holding, hugging, kissing, sex, etc). This is NOT to hurt him or "make" him feel bad. This is because I know it will make me feel safe knowing that I am in charge of my own body.

I also told him that he cannot block the door again. That if he does, I will have to call the police. I DON'T want to call due to ramifications with his career. I told him this. I told him that is why I've not called before. But, it will happen next time if he doesn't let me leave (or if he pushes/pulls me). I reminded him that if he is scared for my safety, he can definitely call the police on me as I pull away.

So, after that, he's decided that I for sure don't love him. He texted me sad things yesterday (see below) that I so wanted to respond to. I wanted to "rescue" him. But, I didn't. I didn't answer his phone calls because I was fearful I would end up rescuing (with words or action). I did treat him with respect. When he got home, I told him hi and smiled. He took one of our kids to a preschool orientation and I told him how sweet I thought it was that he took such an interest in the kid's lives. I told him I loved him (sincerely). I gave him a hug while he was on the couch. He didn't talk to me much and more or less was giving me the silent treatment, but he may have been trying to just be sad but normal (if that makes sense).

Yesterday, I texted (once in the day), "Hey babe. I am thinking of you. How is your morning going?"

His response: "I don't know if you want me to tell you how I feel or not. Work is fine though. I'm having a hard day with not being depressed and wanting to hide forever. I know you didn't think of this marriage, but I can't see a marriage like this, when I can't give you a hug or hold your hand. My mind shutters to think of not showing or being loved in that way. I'm sorry but I can't think of staying in this state of being. I love you so much and I know you're hurting, so I guess I should as well. I just can't heal this way. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm sick just thinking of us in this way."
*My Note - I'm 99% sure when he says, "a marriage like this," he means marriage w/o sex to his disposal. Also the whole me being in charge of when he touches/hugs/etc me.

Him again: "I guess I will still stay at the house, but I will not sleep in the same bed with you. It seems like such a sham, and the worst thing is I was thinking of myself as your protector last night, but my feelings led me wrong again. I wish we could have healed together."

I'm going to remind myself over and over that "The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him."

For, really, my Heavenly Father is the only reliable strength anyone has. We do have our own strength as well, but even that isn't always reliable - but MY own strength has gotten stronger and more reliable!

I'm so glad I was inspired to look for "strength" in the reference section of this blog. I feel the Spirit right now speaking love and strength to me. I'm feeling hopeful for the future - for ME and my kids. I will continue to give my husband to our Father in Heaven, and give myself and my kids to Him as well. Only God can make them whole. Only God can give them strength and Angels to guide and/or protect. Only God can lead them out of their darkness (whatever it may be), and fill them with light (as I feel right now).

I didn't expect to feel the Spirit so much as I type this up. I am blessed. I am blessed in so many ways. My husband said the other day that he is jealous that I can use previous ways he has (or others) have shown love, and to refuel myself if I am wronged by him or others. I now see and realize that as a blessing to me. I am blessed that I've found out I can be myself and build that "castle" of ME! How exciting. I can pick all the rooms, decorations, colors, doors, walls, etc. It is MY choice to build me the way I want to - with my values and dreams. I pray I will continue to let Heavenly Father "into" my life more and more as He will know the best way to build "ME." :)


The more you recover    
"You will see the more you embrace The Lord and his son Jesus Christ, the more strength and peace you will feel. Power will flow into your life and your language will even change from suffering to praising Jesus Christ. And the more you testify of the Savior, the more power (His power) you will receive.

Your husband will test you. You have made threats in the past and he will test you. I pray thaa you will have the strength to keep your boundaries. That you will not let fear rule you. As he abuses or steps in front of the door, remember the love and power of resolve you feel right at this moment. you will need it to follow through.

Things with him will get even more ugly before they get better. It always happens this way. He is losing power and control over you and if he is not on the same path of recovery, he will blame, accuse, and try to harm you emotionally. The only way you will be able to stay calm is through your Father in Heaven. He will hold you, he will bless you. He will make all things right in his time.

My prayer for your husband is that he will see the truth. An addict has to "run into themselves" before they can see the truth and begin the process of letting go and letting God take control. When you are an addict, you have no more agency. Satan owns his agency right now the only thing he has left is to hand his agency over to the Lord and allow the atonement to heal him. Otherwise he will remain in the power of The evil one and his 1/3 of hosts. This is true with all addictions.

If your husband has to face himself without you stepping in as his savior, he will then be free to face the consequences that await him, and those consequences are meant to bring him to his knees and ask the Lord to change his heart.

I am a codependent spouse and I have had to face the truth about me and I have turn my will over to the Lord and he is healing me. I am not special. This gift is for all of us to receive.

I wish you God's blessings in letting go of your Husband and trusting in God. It will take time, but rest assured God has got your back :)"
posted at 12:02:39 on September 8, 2011 by Anonymous
Wonderful post    
"This was such a great thing to read today. I am so excited and inspired by these words. Anon made amazing points as well. This is real boundaries and real recovery being demonstrated. It is a beautiful thing to behold! :)"
posted at 12:40:41 on September 8, 2011 by Anonymous
Testing me...    
"Yeah, that was right. And boy did he test me. I held true, and stayed calm, respectful and loving. See my newest post. I'm so disoriented at this point..."
posted at 03:21:57 on September 9, 2011 by confidence

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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988