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Ok... so what's the point???
By confidence
9/5/2011 11:15:30 AM
Everyone, I feel like I'm hanging on a cliff and keep slipping off of it. The cliff is my hope that with time and dedication, our marriage will be wondrous, beautiful and filled with the Spirit and dedicated to God. When I "slip" off the cliff, it's those moments when I think, "Why am I with a SA? Why do I let him hurt me (with SA, verbal and physical abuse)? What am I waiting for since change is not happening very much?"

I've recently found out from him that sex with me is something that makes him feel "real, lasting love" from me. Anything else just fizzles out or sifts it's way out of his heart when I tell him I'm annoyed that he still leaves his clothes out or whatever. Sex is the only love for him that stays.

The other thing is this... i.e. While playing a game, he jokes, looking at my sister and says, "You are ALWAYS stressed." Or, he'll say fairly loudly at a restaurant, "This food sucks." While waiting in line (fairly loudly again), "What is wrong with these people?!"

Ok, so I get to say it privately to me at times, but to share his disgust with others around us is embarrassing to me. Plus, I don't want to have spit in my food! LOL

He says that I'm not "accepting him" when I complain about him saying those things, and that because of not accepting him, I must not love him.

Everyone, I've written him so many love notes/cards I've lost count, I've brought him surprise gift bags of goodies to his work many times, I've told him how proud I am for him doing good with many things (I actively try to think of nice things to say), I give him hugs and kisses, I hold his hand or arm, I cuddle, I ask him about his RPG interests, I do the housework best I can w/ 4 young kids, I try not to complain about him not putting stuff away again and again (really, I do!), etc.

BUT... the above doesn't hold his love. It goes away. "Sex is more lasting." Well, crap, I feel like sex is another way for him to either be "good," act out, struggle with envisioning porn, a way for me to feel like I don't "compare," like I can't fulfill him the way the porn did, among many other thoughts.

FYI: He doesn't "force" sex. I mean he does have times where he takes advantage of me (i.e. I receive a kiss from him, he starts making out and then wants to go into the sex thing cause somehow I indicated that is what I want...). He wants "good sex" - which I mean "good" - like marriage sex. He used to do things I was not ok with, and he'd talk me into it, but now he does want to have the outcome to be much better for the both of us.

What's the point of hanging around? Is this my purpose? To have sex with him often so he feels love? To have him say things out loud to others that I feel is not Christlike and draws attention to me like I support what he's saying? Is this a "man's world" enough that I just bow to his desires?

Comments:

Problems    
"From your brief description it sounds like your husband has a few problems. But we all do.

Him saying he only feels loved when you have sex is him manipulating you to get what he wants. He is using your desire to please him and your love to feed his addiction and ego. Addiction deadens the spirit and heart. All of those things that you do for him that would make anyone feel loved are wonderful things to show that you truly care for him. He simply chooses not to acknowledge those things as demonstrations of love. He needs to understand that there are other ways to feel and express love besides sex.

Marriage counseling can help you sort this out. In reality I think he is just being selfish and only thinking about himself.

The comments that he makes about others is him judging others in a very vocal and inappropriate way and asking you to just be ok with it. Then he expects others and especially you to not judge him. It doesn't work like that.

I would say bow to his desires if he was actually concerned about your feelings and well-being, but he is only being selfish. I think it is important for you and your husband to seek help through counseling. Hopefully you have a marriage that you can discuss things openly and honestly without anger and hurt feelings coming up, but even I struggle with that some times.

I guess the most important thing that needs to happen right now is you need to communicate to him your feelings. Explain how what he does makes you feel. Not that he is a bad person, but what he is doing does affect you and others. This will hopefully help him come to his senses and start considering others' feelings before he speaks and acts. Addiction is a very self-serving, selfish, and ego-centric disease. That is a big obstacle that you both will have to overcome.

Whether or not you hang around him is your decision. Just remember that everything we go through in this life is to help us become more like our Heavenly Father. Your husband's trials can teach you as much as him, as I am sure you have realized. This life is not supposed to be easy, but I have faith and hope in the words of the Savior that it will be worth it.

May you and your husband find your way to God."
posted at 13:06:30 on September 5, 2011 by blindman
No No No    
"Confidence,

My Dear the answer to the hope question is Yes. Just about everything else you ask..... is a big No!!!

You are married to an addict and this is classic addict behavior plain and simple. What your husband is saying to you is just another way to manipulate you. His rude behavior is also a part of that. He has hurt you to the core and to tell you that sex is the only way he feels love for you only reopens the massive wounds he has inflicted on your body and soul for years. Of course the only way he feels love for you is through sex, he is an addict.

I do not know where your husband is right now in life as far a repentance, but confession is not repentance. True repentance means that you become new in Christ. Initial confession can happen in a minute or two. Repentance and healing takes man years. And as the both of you begin to travel the road of true healing through Christ, he behaviors, and your feelings will begin to change forever. For now (and from your writings), it is clear that your husband has not a clue what he has done to you and your family.

You cannot do anything to change him. As he works his steps and accepts the invitation to come unto Christ with full purpose of heart, his eyes will be opened and so will his heart. For now, he is still stuck in the world.

As you continue your own journey you will often hear the word, Boundaries. When I heard that word the first time in reference to healing, it was like someone was speaking French to me. I did not have boundaries and did not know how to set them. A boundary might be as follows:

* he'll say fairly loudly at a restaurant, "This food sucks." While waiting in line (fairly loudly again), "What is wrong with these people?!"-------

Before you go out to eat, let your husband know that it embarrasses you when he says the above. Let him know that you will no longer tolerate that kind of behavior. Let him know that should he choose to behave that way, you will leave the restaurant and walk away from him. THEN WHEN THAT BEHAVIOR HAPPENS (and it will), WALK AWAY AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Then call a trusted friend or have a planned way to get home. This sounds harsh, but you must have enough self respect to not allow yourself to be treated that way. Please be calm in your actions. He will be angry and when he says something, you say, " you crossed a line and I will not allow that kind of behavior". And, yes I have worked in the food industry, and waiters sometimes do lots of stuff to the food when they have nasty customers.

*He says that I'm not "accepting him" when I complain about him saying those things, and that because of not accepting him, I must not love him. THIS IS ADDICT BEHAVIOR AND YOU INFORM HIM THATYOU WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. YOU LOVE HIM BUT YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR. Then go in another room and say a prayer for him.

Be kind, but stand up for yourself and do not allow him to play games with you. It takes time, but it works.

Remember the rules for boundaries are: Don't hurt anyone, Don't hurt yourself, Don't let anyone hurt you, "
posted at 13:34:33 on September 5, 2011 by Anonymous
Confidence,    
"Physical abuse is a deal-breaker, in my opinion. I wouldn't stand for it and if it is tolerated the behavior can be passed on to children.

I think you are coming to terms with what kind of predicament you are in. It appears that your entire well-being hinges on his behavior and his love (or lack of love) towards you. That is called codependency. It is an old term but it still describes a "dis-ease" that is common in abusive or addictive relationships. And it is very painful. The sad news is that most people don't change. The exception is those in recovery or therapy and even then, it is only certain behaviors that change-and slowly at that. Miracles happen but I wouldn't wait for one.

Codependent people often tirelessly try to influence the behavior of someone they love, and never to their satisfaction. To play the devil's advocate for a moment, many of the things your husband does are pretty common with men. A lot of husbands are obnoxious slobs. The question is whether you can accept that or not. As long as you are unwilling to accept his bad habits you will be unhappy. I'm not suggesting that you should. And I am not talking about physical abuse. The first time he puts his hands on you violently you should be out the door. I am talking about accepting your spouses eccentricities. Every man has them. If he is unwilling to change and you cannot find a way to accept his behavior, the answer seems obvious. I know it's not that simple but if you are waiting for him to change you may be waiting for a very long, long, long time. And life is too short to be miserable. Sure, Jesus said, it would be hard but worth it, but I don't believe He expects us to stay in a miserable situation if we can help it. You do have options. Maybe it's time to exercise them. Maybe that will show your husband that you mean business. I would get professional help for myself, without him first. And if he is willing to go to counseling or therapy with you, then I believe your marriage might have a chance. If he is unwilling to work on your marriage I am afraid things will remain the same or get worse.

What kind of physical abuse are we talking about? (If you don't mind sharing.) I just worry if you are in danger. Domestic violence has a progressive nature without intervention."
posted at 16:21:10 on September 5, 2011 by Anonymous
RE: Abuse    
"It used to be shoving and pushing for the most part. About 8 years ago he did shove me down the hallway, push me over and then kick me a couple of times ... I was about 7 months pregnant. He finally went to our Bishop after that and promised it would never happen again. It didn't happen *that* bad again, but it went right back to the pushing and shoving. Of course after awhile of getting sick of running to the bathroom tub to hide, I started hitting and shoving back. Then, *I* started doing it even if he wasn't - I know to "egg" him on and also because at that point, my self-esteem was so low due to the emotional and physical stuff I just wanted it. I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm guessing to anyone that has experienced that before, it makes sense ... but it's NOT HEALTHY of course.

About 2 years ago, it finally started going away. I of course had stopped starting it at a point before that, and then I've finally gotten to mostly not hitting back again. It's been hard to get away from that because it's addicting in itself (i.e. power).

So, this time I'm talking about (Saturday evening/night), the abuse consisted of, pulling me places with his hands on my arm(s) or body, pushing me, and also blocking the front door (preventing me from leaving). This happened in one instance basically (I was trying to leave, he pulled/pushed me away). He was of course verbally abusive calling me every swear word in the book etc, telling me how I wasn't good at this/that.

*I* started yelling back at some point and also saying mean things back to him at that point. I never hit or pushed or any touching. I also had a panic attack and that made him more mad. I started to fight the panic, which made me feel like I needed to throw up, but I didn't. I wasn't acting myself and DID do the things above that I regret doing. :-("
posted at 21:38:41 on September 5, 2011 by confidence
Confidence,    
"Thank you for having the courage to share difficult aspects of your marriage. I am worried for your safety. I want you to know that I don't (and probably nobody else on this site) judges you for this situation. It is more common than you might imagine. What worries me is what may happen if it is allowed to continue. Physical abusers often stop the abuse for a time when they feel it will help them get what they want. This can be deceiving because as soon as the abuser feels he can get away with it, he will often pick right back up where he left off. I am glad that you mustered the courage to eventually fight back but let me tell you why that can be dangerous. The abuser gets it in his mind that it is now a fair fight. "Well, she hit me!". But we both know it is never a fair fight. Any sized man can be extremely dangerous to any sized woman, especially when they lose control. Confidence, it only takes one time. One ugly argument that quickly escalates. So many domestic abusers have made the leap to "murderer" in one ugly argument. I don't think I can overstate this...PROTECT YOURSELF.

If he is unwilling to get help for HIS, I repeat HIS anger issues, then he needs to be single. I know you love him and he may be the greatest guy in the world but if he cannot keep his hands off of you, LEAVE HIM."
posted at 23:06:25 on September 5, 2011 by Anonymous
Boundary!    
"Call the cops every time! It will stop! Remember, First, "You are a Daughter of God!" ! Your Father in Heaven does not want you to be treated any way less than that becoming His daughter. Your husband should be reminded that he has a Heavenly Father-in- law! He let's men condemn themselves by their actions.
Hero"
posted at 23:44:26 on September 5, 2011 by Anonymous
counseling or leave    
"You need to do one or both.... so does he. If hes not willing to do counseling DO NOT STAY. Some of you know i left an extremely abusive relationship last year. My husband embarrassed me in public, beat me, made me think i was ever doing enough, i wasnt allowed money, he choked me to the point i almost lost consciousness. I always fought back. I do notbl regret fighting back. My husband was/is as close to satan as you can get. He is munipulitive, cunning, and he plays to your weaknesses. Do something now or else youll get stuck. You subject your children to the same cruelty as well. If you dont get help for yourself do it for the kids!!!

Im lucky i have no kids but it was hard. I wont say its not. But life became happier without him. Ive began to talk to him again here recently and i feel the life drained from me. I cant tell you how much you need to do opposite of what ive done."
posted at 00:18:52 on September 6, 2011 by taintedlove
You are worth so much more    
"You deserve so much more. Your Father in Heaven is very displeased you are being treated this way no matter what you have done. You really need to believe you deserve better. Do not let or allow ayone to touch you or verbally abuse you. No one has that right and do not give that right to anyone. When you do, you are allowing an extremely dangerous situation if not physically but emotionnal situation to carry on. It is not good for him and it is extremely bad for you. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness at all times. Link to a great talk on how to respond to abuse: choose to be a non-victim:http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=1226 />Good luck and I hope you find the answers on how to get yourselves out of this cycle."


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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

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General Conference May 1990