By urbnoutdrzmn
8/26/2011 7:46:51 AM
As I have said before...I have Covenant Eyes on all the computers in the house...In the past I havent been good about my addiction and it showed that.

Now that I have been really good this week....It still says "Close review Suggested". I told my wife that my son games alot and it pics things up that way too...and their were profile pics that are of church members and yet they say they are highly mature...I DONT GET IT.....

How can I show my wife I am doing better if it keeps doing this...I told her that if she would just click on the items she will see..I hope she looks into it so that she will know I am telling the truth.

I will continue to do the best I can...


Covanent Eyes    
"I don't know if this would work, but can you use different computer profiles (or perhaps CE has profiles?)? If so, your child(ren) can have their profile, you yours, and your wife another. That way, she would know what profile was being used when. If something like this could work, it would also be valuable in the future in regards to your kid's viewing history as well.

I would also think that CE would have a "disagree" form to fill out for a specific webpage. I would report that asap (K9, a free filter, has this ability).

As for your wife, she really doesn't know what is up and down right now. So, she may not even be "ready" to look for sure because how could she believe you right away with all those lies in the past? I'm being frank, but hoping that I make a kind point. ;-)

You can't "prove" anything to her right now. It will take time, and will be the little things (like your promises to take out the trash like you said etc) for awhile before you can start hoping for the relationship/emotional promises to be safe enough for her to consider believing."
posted at 10:23:58 on August 26, 2011 by confidence
Very true...Confidence    
"Thanks again for the great comments...She did look into things and she has told me that if I am doing things wont matter because the spirit will tell her if I am doing the right things. So life is getting better. It was a great last week and Fast Sunday is approaching..I am looking forward to fasting for strength for you and your hubby as well."
posted at 12:11:44 on August 26, 2011 by urbnoutdrzmn
Is your wife in recovery?    
"I am a wife and I have been in recovery as a codependent for over a year and I no longer check up on my husband. My peace does not depend upon his sobriety. It helps, but it is not my be all, end all anymore. To many let downs.

There is a dance which goes on between the codependent and the addict, and until both are working daily on their own recovery, that dance continues for a very long time. She needs recovery as much, if not more than you do. I know it does not make sense that the wife should have to do the same work the addict has to do, but believe me it is so very essential.

Part of trusting in the lord means that we do not check up on our loved ones. We must trust completely in our Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ to heal our broken souls. She needs recovery and boundaries.

She will know you are true to your word by your actions, and over time she will see you become new in Christ, and there will be no doubt in her mind that you are a changed man.

I cannot stress the SA or LDS spouse recovery programs enough. The sad thing is that as I attend my weekly meetings, we see three rooms filled with men and often only a few women in our meetings.

We cannot just send our husbands out to be fixed by a 12 step program, any more than we would just send them alone to have the treatment to wipe out Cancer. I lost a friend to Cancer and his wife was right there for every treatment, every appointment. She learned all she could about cancer and how to cope with it as his wife.

I know it is strange on one end to say she should not be checking up on you, and on the other to say she should be attending meetings, but it all makes sense when she is involved in her own recovery.

Having said all of that, it will take a long time for her to heal, and you must give her at least the same amount of time you took away from her while you were indulging in the fantasy world. From your writing, I can see that you count each day a blessing with her, and your are thankful she is still by your side. And that is a great place to be.

I no longer need to check up on my husband because trust and honesty are a must for our recovery. If he slips, he must come and tell me right away. I have my boundaries in place and enforce them, and he knows it. He knows ahead of time what it will cost him if and when he indulges. So far he has not wanted to pay that price and remains clean.

Wishing you the best in your healing and recovery. Christ can heal the addict and the spouse. His Atonement is that powerful and I praise him for it every single day!"
posted at 16:13:35 on August 26, 2011 by Anonymous
The problem of relying on software...    
"There are bigger, more important indicators of sobriety than a weekly report, in my opinion. Unfortunately, those indicators are not as tangible or "concrete." I fully backup what Anonymous said. If she is relying on a flawed computer program as a ticket to peace of mind, CE is the least of your problems. Having said that, however, I like the idea of having a specific account that you can access, and having the CE (or perhaps considering other software?) report on that account. Other software that seems to work pretty well include K-9 Web Protection, Microsoft's security package, and even the basic parental controls in OSX if you have a Mac. Also, maybe go through the settings and check to make sure its not flagging things you don't want it to. Gaming sites specifically can be flagged because of the type of activities that can go on in their forums.

The reality is that if you really wanted to get at porn, CE wouldn't stop you. You seem to be dedicated to being honest as much as possible, and in time I'm sure your wife will trust you more and more. I had to sit down with my wife and set up K-9 together. We agreed on the settings together, and she checked every once in a while to see what was going on (K-9 logs the traffic on your computer). It occasionally flagged stuff it shouldn't have, but for software to be useful you need to understand its limitations."
posted at 18:34:56 on August 26, 2011 by BrainGeek

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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987