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Does he want to change?
By BusyG4
8/22/2011 6:37:52 AM
I am so confused right now. For almost two years my now ex husband has been struggling with addictions to alcohol, pornography, and more... We divorced a few months ago. Since then, we have decided to try and work on ourselves and have began discussing our relationship recently. We have spent the last week doing great things with our children and just as he and I. He said he wanted to start working on getting back to the temple and was rededicating himself as a father and wanted me to consider "us". It felt great. I really thought he was going to start doing better. It lasted for only a short time. Saturday night I got home with my older children from an activity, and he was there with the younger ones. He said he was going to go to his brother's and left. He went to the bar, hooked up with a girl that he lied to me about by saying he hadn't been texting her, and got drunk. He lied about it, until I called him out on it. He is sorry... again. He says he wants to make it right and wants our family back. He has called the girl and told her about our situation and that he doesn't want to speak to her again. What do I do? He's bipolar and won't take his meds. He started to about a year ago, but quit about six months ago, partly I think because you can't drink when you take them. He works out of town for two or three weeks at a time, and almost all of my trust for him is gone. I love him so much, and I can see the man he wants to be, but then stuff like this happens. I'm so frustrated and defeated. If I could have my family back and a temple worthy marriage, I would go through anything, but I feel like I need to face reality. Is it going to get better? How do I know if I should give him a chance with "us". Either way, I know I need to forgive and learn to deal with the anger, hurt and past. Can anyone help??

Comments:

thinking of you    
"I know what it's like to love a man you don't trust. I don't have any advice. It's a rough spot you're in. But I want you to know I will pray for you. So sorry for the confusion in your life."
posted at 19:54:42 on August 22, 2011 by summer
Bipolar Disorder,    
"I'm sorry that you've had to go through such a rough time. Bipolar Disorder is an insidious condition. Things like alcohol/drug use, promiscuity, dangerous and unpredictable behavior is the norm, especially when untreated. I don't think most of us are emotionally equipped to deal with this kind of rollercoaster without it having a detrimental effect on our own spiritual lives. I can't suggest to you what to choose but I really believe that you need to know exactly what you would be getting into if you decided to stay. I think recovery is impossible without daily medication. Even with medication, the life of someone with Bipolar Disorder is not going to ever resemble what most people picture as normal. This is a serious and destructive mental illness. I have worked with people with this disease for many years and all but a very few cases are heart-breaking. Most of the time, there is more than one diagnoses involved and usually it takes years to find the right combination of mediation and environment. There is no cure. The best we can hope for is to achieve some semblance of normalcy. This is only possible for the ones who are willing to be treated. Unfortunately, the medications have side-effects and though they take away the depressive aspect of this disease they also take away the "manic" episodes which many Bipolar patients find appealing after being on these medications for extended periods of time.

I am just trying to warn you, like I would a little sister. I don't wish this disease on anyone, but just as strongly, I wouldn't wish the turmoil that goes with being the spouse on anyone. It takes a pretty exacting toll on the loved ones. I'm sure you already know this.

From what you described, your husband does not sound ready for the arduous task of seeking help. I hate to bring up statistics but when we are faced with such important decisions it helps to have all of the facts. I will just say that I do not like the odds of this disease. It is deadlier than Alzheimer's. Even when a patient is willing, treatment isn't always effective. Please know that it is NOT your husband's fault that he has this. It wasn't learned or contracted as a result of any decisions on his part. It is a disease of the brain. Even so, you must look out for yourself and your family. It sounds selfish but it really isn't. We need to know our limitations.

I can't sign off without saying that I have also witnessed miracles. People who have recovered despite the odds and without treatment. These are the rare exceptions. My thoughts are with you and also your husband."
posted at 22:09:01 on August 22, 2011 by Anonymous
I'm learning    
"Thank you for your comments. This helps a lot. It really has been SO hard and people just don't understand why because they don't see and feel the consequences of his illness like I do. I think that I need to set some boundaries and let him know that if he truly wants his family, he will do whatever it takes to take care of himself first. I didn't realize it was such a serious illness. I believe I know what to do."
posted at 17:58:04 on August 24, 2011 by Anonymous


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987