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Sick of not being who I can and should be
By BrainGeek
8/21/2011 10:30:52 AM
Alright, so here goes nothing. I discovered this site today and immediately knew that I needed to sign up and start writing. I wish I would have known it was here a long time ago, but I'm glad I found it none the less. I could use a little more accountability in my life.

Having said that, I'm not ready to release my name yet. I am not at a stage where I can put a face to my lifestyle. For now you can call me BrainGeek, because that's what I am. I wish I could be proud of who I am when no one else is watching. On the outside, I'm a husband and father of an 11 month old little goof ball boy. My family is everything to me and I live them more than life itself. I am an active member of my ward and hold a calling in my ward. I am involved in research at the University and hope to spend my life helping the world understand mental illness.

On the inside, however, I feel like I am betraying my potential and the ones I love. I am currently fighting an addiction to masturbation, and I'm scared that it is going to Lea me back into an addiction to  pornography. There are times that I feel like I'm winning, and times that I feel I'm not. This week was one that I let myself lose. It always happens at the same place and time, and I know just changing my habits and schedule could keep me out of those situations. I just need to make it something I am really fighting for.

A couple years ago, I told my wife about my addiction to porn and masturbation and it nearly tore her apart. She is an amazing woman and is also very sensitive. She had a very difficult childhood and I feel like I need to be strong and keep some of the terrible things of the world from her. She nearly kicked me out of the house last time, and told me that if I ever fell back into this she wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm afraid if I go to the Bishop and work with him he will tell me I need to tell my wife. I don't want to hurt her again. I know that I'm hurting her right now by letting my physical lust pervert my concept of what sex should be between us. I can see that this is making her feel like she can't live up to my expectations. I don't want those expectations inside me, and I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be able to focus on the gospel, on my schoolwork, and on my awesome family. I want to feel the Spirit and be an example that my son can look up to.

Comments:

Hey Braingeek:    
"For some reason, I was moved by your post today. While I realize we are all in differing boats, we are all in the same water. Sometimes we're being tossed to and fro, and then, at other times, the water is calm. I've learned that one of the most vulnerable, yet moving moments for me was coming completely clean with my wife. I realize that all individuals are different, and I don't pretent to think you don't know your wife and her sensitivity. I just know that I can't stand in my wife's way of dealing with things and the truth is truly the best answer. I mean, we're partners in marriage right? So shouldn't your partner be given all the tools and power to assist in the operation of moving forward your relationship?

Just think about it and give her the credit she deserves. We're all in here working together to find answers and solutions to our issues. Please know you aren't alone and that you touched my heart today. I appreciate your honesty and know others will as well. Hang tough!"
posted at 14:48:21 on August 21, 2011 by witsend
Love the title of your post    
"That's how I feel too. Addictions thrive in secrecy. Your chances of beating your addiction are much less if you keep it a secret. Having been a wife of an addict twice (I didn't divorce either because of their addiction), I can say that for me, being lied to about slips hurt more than the slip. It just adds another sin on top of the first. Hang in there and keep fighting. Some day we'll all win this battle.
D"
posted at 16:01:11 on August 21, 2011 by dstanley
Courageous    
"To be right with your wife, and most importantly, to be right with God, You must learn to live by 100% truth. Satan will tell you that you cannot do this, that is a big lie. You can do this, you must do it. Your wife already knows something is wrong and you are slowly loosing your family. Your chances of your wife leaving are small, if you will face the truth and hep your family heal from the sickness called addiction. The Savior will help you with this, he always does.

Are you attending ARP meetings? Also, did you know that your wife becomes sick because of your addictions and needs healing as much as you do. Steping into this unknown world of recovery is the very best thing my husband and I have ever done. It is where the atonement is, it is where Christ can heal you. You are no different from any of us. You need this and so does your wife.

You cannot fix yourself, but Jesus Christ can. Satan would have you commit sin, hide, and feel guilt and shame forever. Your Savior would have you bring your sins into the light, feel Godlike sorrow, and come to you with healing in his wings, to rescue you from your sins by touching your broken soul forever.

You are a loving Husband and Father, who happens to also be an addict. But you are a man of God First and foremost Below are the lyrics from a song from the new movie Courageous. It is a Christian movie about Dads (and husbands) steping up to the plate to save their families by joining with the Lord and making a covenent to stand with God and fight Satan with everything they have.

May you break he chains of addiction and lead your family with courage

We were made to be courageous
We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chain
We were made to be courageous
We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines
Standing, unafraid
But now we're watchers on the sidelines
While our families slip away

Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more
Let the pounding of hearts cry
We will serve the Lord

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees we're lifting hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/casting-crowns-lyrics/courageous-lyrics.html ]
Let the men of God arise

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees, we're lifting hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees, we're lifting hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

these lyrics are submitted by VCG
these lyrics are last corrected by Daniel Gorter"
posted at 17:40:02 on August 21, 2011 by Anonymous
You cannot do it alone    
"It was not until I was completely open with my wife and told her I need her help, did I begin to overcome my addiction. When I realized that side by side we can face life together was much easier than byself, did life become more manageable.

I am sure she would much rather a man that confronts his weaknesses and will do what ever it takes, than a person who hides them. Eventually she will find out. Even though it was painful, it helped me understand that this addiction is hurting more than myself, giving more desire to overcome and seek out the right help."
posted at 18:19:26 on August 21, 2011 by Leo


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988