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There are no atheists in fox holes
By They speak
8/20/2011 12:40:21 PM
I've always struggled with reconciling my mind with my heart. I've always joked that I'm a closet atheist. I've never met an atheist I don't think like save I put stock in the Spirit. 3 weeks ago I was excommunicated. Since then I guess I've quite struggling with that reconciliation. I've quite praying. I've quite obsessing about things I can't measure or judge outside of my crazy mind. I've quit fretting over the seeming futility of faith. I've quit being desperate for the comfort of the Spirit. Though I've tried I've never been able to quit obsessing about spirituality till recently. It's actually been a relief. I feel like I did when I was a kid. Before I started forever wondering about eternal life and this mysterious God thing. When trampolines and fresh air were all I needed.

But last night I looked at porn. I feel awful. Not because I'm going to hell for it or have disappointed God and lost the Spirit - I figure if I'm not much for Gods church I'm probably not much for His heaven so that's not bothering me so much. But I feel bad cause its not me. It doesn't jive with my jam at all. There doesn't have to be a reason or meaning I just don't dig it.

And yet...this morning I found myself desperate. Wanting to pray. But as far as I have ever seen prayer or no prayer the results are the same. So why pray? Why do I want to pray? Part of me feels that avenue only has brought me pain, loss and conflict...with a touch of "the Spirit".

I sure feel alone right now. Like I'm in a fox hole surrounded by an enemy. Will praying really do anything though Code? Has it ever?

Comments:

Theyspeak,    
"Man, I can relate.

I had to step back from church for a while in order to get some perspective. My brand of mormonism was making me freakin' miserable. That is not the God that I wanted for myself. In working the Steps, YET AGAIN, I rediscovered a Higher Power that I could do business with. Working Step two I really examined what it was that I wanted from God. To make a long story short, the God I ended up with was not very different than the God I grew up with. He was just a WHOLE LOT more forgiving and compassionate. I don't see any incongruence between the faith I have now and the one I grew up with. I will say that what I believe now and what the average run-of-the-mill mormon believes about God are very different in my opinion. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or try to convert others to my way of thinking. This is MY redeemer. Maybe He is something completely different to everyone else.

You're not alone. You are one of my favorite people on here. I relate to you so much. Relapse is sometimes that last little catalyst that turns on all the right light bulbs and a new brand of recovery and humility emerges."
posted at 13:44:54 on August 20, 2011 by Anonymous
Just got back from the Temple Speak.    
"I can to tell you He not only answers prayers we speak out loud but the unspoken ones in our hearts! The prayers we should have uttered but could not!

I wish I had the right words for you but I do not, yet I looked at my bed table and there was this book! "The Prophet"' Kahlil Gibram,, not scripture but it speaks much truth. So I chanced an opening to see if there was wisdom there for my friend Code, no kidding this is what I opened to:
But you do not see, nor do you hear,and it is well.
The veil that clouds your eyes shall be lifted by the hands that wove it.
And the clay that fills your ears shall be pierced by those fingers that knead it.
And you shall see
And you shall hear.
Yet you shall not deplore having known blindness, nor regret having been deaf.
For in that day you shall know the hidden purpose of things,
And you shall bless darkness as you bless light.

I cannot say I know anything of where you are right now. I just hope and pray for you!
Love and prayers!"
posted at 00:35:46 on August 21, 2011 by Hero
Good Quote Hero    
"I like that quote, especially the last part about not regretting because we'll know the hidden purpose. I pray that someday my years of struggles will help someone else.
D"
posted at 00:52:29 on August 21, 2011 by dstanley
Call Home    
"Hard for me to put into words what I'm thinking after reading this. I agree, yet wholeheartedly disagree at the same time. Maybe I'll just share my feelings on it and you can take what you will from that.

God and I haven't always see eye to eye. Sometimes I have been downright angry or annoyed with God. I was doing things he said I shouldn't. What did he know? Didn't he realize how stupid I felt? Wouldn't it be easier to just do what I wanted? There had to be a version of the rules that were easy to follow. There had to be a way to do this without praying and repenting and suffering through all of this.

The thing is, I've found that as soon as I start writing my own version of the truth, I start relying on something that is no longer 100% real. There is a difference between coming up with a God I can deal with, and truly coming to understand my relationship with God. I am a son of God, and dispite my weaknesses and stupidities, he loves me. He knows how I feel, he watches me succeed, he watches me fail, and he is always going to be there when I'm ready to talk to him again. He'll be there no matter how far gone I have taken myself. He is waiting for me to come home.

My advice is to pray, and to do it sincerely. Pray for one simple thing: to feel His love. The feelings you are having may be His way of calling you back like a parent who wishes you'd call more often."
posted at 18:31:51 on August 21, 2011 by Braingeek
I feel for you theyspeak..    
"I wanted to let you know that I feel overwhelming compassion for you. I wish I had the right words to tell you. I went through the same process back in May.

I have no advice for you.. I have decided that I'm no longer giving advice out. Advice always sounds like preaching from the other person. I only offer alternative perspectives. Im sure you will eventually find your answers and your higher power. I found that for me, I needed to surrender all my negativity to the Lord and know that there is a plan for me and that my attitude towards the plan lets me decide if I'm going to be a victim or a adult.

I learned that I was fighting an addiction that is powerful, cunning and devious. I am not smarter than satan or the addiction. The only way to win is for me to surrender to a higher power and follow His plan.

I would say good luck -- but you dont need luck. We all have faith in you that you will find your way home in your own way and own time. The Lord has faith in you as well. Just know that the worth and potential of your soul is so great that it was a no brainer for Christ to cover your debts.

May you find peace....."
posted at 09:24:22 on August 22, 2011 by Hurtallover


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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

— Robert D. Hales

"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002