I'm here and doing my best...
By confidence
8/17/2011 4:31:58 PM
I'm struggling with this PTSD crap. All of the sudden (no matter if it's a good/bad day), it comes at me. That sinking fear that things aren't right. That my world is actually upside down. That I shouldn't trust. That I'm not sane. I get panic attacks.

Today - I dropped off my kids w/ my mom because my parents are doing a "Grandkids Day/Night" with them. I was excited for the break, but I had a major PTSD anxiety attack when they drove off. It was like my heart/mind thought that I'd never see them again. Strangest and most REAL feeling. I'm still freaking out, but I'm trying to attack the feelings and work through them. KLOVE helped me w/ their music a bit. :)

I kept prepping my husband that we'd have a break and I finally told him that if he wanted to go out on a date and court me like he said he wanted to, that tonight would be the ideal night. He eventually said he'd love to and would plan it all. :)

Well, last night went ok at Lifestar. When we got home, we cuddled and watched our clean show, "The Cosby Show." LOL He tried to make some advances at me, but I pulled his hands away gently. He actually thanked me for my "honesty" in that. After the show, he needed to go to bed, so he asked, "Are you going to bed w/ me tonight?" I thought about it for a little bit, and said I thought I felt ok w/ it tonight and I also started to say that I'd go to bed at midnight (which is a big deal for me). He acted kind of weird/off, and I asked him if he wanted to say prayers w/ me. He declined and said he wanted to say them by himself. I shrugged and said, "Ok, good night."

Well, today, he called me and was really depressed sounding right away. I didn't say much as this was confusing me and then I got busy and due to my lack of talking, he hung up on me.

Pretty soon after, he texted me and said, "I'm really hurting and I know you are too, I'm trying to figure out what w are fighting for in our relationship, I don't want to hurt any more and I don't want to hit you anymore as well I still love you I'm just confused and hurt and dealing with things sorry."

Me: I appreciate your honesty. I do realize you are hurt and feel alone. I think you feel alone in a deeper way (non-sex related) too. I'm trying to do what I can, which is why some days are ok, and others are not. I hurt more than you will ever know.

Husband: Is it a contest, we both hurt why can't we help and soothe each other, our do you tell me you hurt more so I feel responsible, I'd really like to know what your plan its to heal and will it include me

me: Well, the way to soothe my hurt is related to how you hurt me with your SA. So, that is a tricky road.

Husband: Right now I'm having a hard time wanting to keep fighting for us


Ok... so, where do I go with this. I KNOW I'm at a place in my own recovery that I WILL be ok with or without him. But, I would prefer him with me. We have so much fun together! We have made it through so much. I know what kind of person I am going to turn into and what kind of person he can be if he allows himself that courage and right to his own happiness. He's a beautiful person. So fun to be around. Setting others at ease, yet full of energy and excitement. He's like Santa Claus! LOL Yes, he has all that ugly stuff that the SA has done to him. It's greased his body up. However, like I said, I've seen the clean parts. He's shared them with me and others. I wish he could see what he has to work with that is good in him and his life.

Of course I'm aching right now. Of course I don't want to share where I'm at with him because he's so angry or hurt afterwards. But, tonight, I just want us to forget things and to go on a good LONG date tonight. However, I am not sure things will work out that way w/ how he's talking today. Also, since PTSD has already attacked me today, I'm worried that I can't get it under control for tonight w/o prepping him about it. But, then if I do tell him, then he'll probably get worse!

...Oh, what to do???...


Doing your best....    
"I believe in you and I know you will get through this...You're a strong woman...Keep Smiling..."
posted at 17:35:57 on August 17, 2011 by urbnoutdrzmn
Don't know what to say    
"You're in a hard position. I wish I knew what you should do. God does though, so my recommendation would be to pray. All you can do is do your best and trust God to help with the rest. Don't worry too much. Tonight may not go the way you hope, but it will all work out in the end. Hang in, you're doing good.
posted at 17:53:08 on August 17, 2011 by dstanley
Hold each other....    
"Sometimes thats all you can do.....Patience is the hardest thing to have in recovery. Don't give up on each other. Spend a nice evening not talking about PTSD or SA or any of the labels you've discovered. Just love each other...believe and pray. Anything is possible."
posted at 20:42:45 on August 17, 2011 by chefdalet

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004