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He keeps asking...
By confidence
8/15/2011 12:08:34 PM
When I'm having a bad PTSD experience/reaction, my husband usually asks:

What do you want me to do?

Do I just take all this (meaning the days I'm off and say that I am feeling sad/mad/etc. Usually I list the trigger off as well - as he usually asks me for details)?

What do I say?

It's not right for me to listen to how I've hurt you and me to be ok w/ it.

Seems there is some great info in the "Help Her Heal" DVD, but we cannot afford the money for the vid. So, I'm wondering what ideas they touch base on. What are their suggestions?

Prayers and Suggestions are great!

Comments:

The DVD    
"Is not something you can list bullet points on. In my opinion, it needs to be seen by the addict ( in your case the husband) alone.

It hit home for me like nothing else. After viewing this DVD, I understood like never before what I did to my wife and how she felt. It was not fun to face that truth. Dr. Weiss lays it all on the table. From my understanding, he took over 20 years of information given from wounded spouses and lays it out for the guys in a way that only guys can. If a man is humble and wanting to heal what he has damaged, that DVD will not only bring to light what he has done to you, it give him simple answers as to how he can help you heal. Even if I typed the whole script out for you, it would not have the same impact.

I know it is expensive, but it was the best 40 bucks I ever spent. If there is a way to get it, I would say get it. It was not within my budget either, but I was willing to do whatever it took to help my wife. Never seen anything like it anywhere else. I will pray for you."
posted at 13:15:40 on August 15, 2011 by Anonymous
Ask your Bishop    
"If you are currently working with your Bishop, ask him about the possibility of helping with the cost. I would have."
posted at 13:36:52 on August 15, 2011 by chefdalet
Cost    
"Thing is, the only thing is that the Bishop is already helping to pay for most (I think) of Lifestar. I know my husband will not want to ask as he's not paying his tithing and will not ask for help if he's not paying a tithe.

For some reason, I thought it was like $69? I'll have to check again..."
posted at 15:15:29 on August 15, 2011 by confidence
lifestar    
"Ask your lifestar group this question when you check-in. That is what the program is for!

Workbook 5 should help him know how to react. It is about creating safety."
posted at 16:05:51 on August 15, 2011 by lawrence
Get to SA and S-Anon    
"It's cheaper"
posted at 16:28:54 on August 15, 2011 by Anonymous
Lifestar    
"Does not cover Dr. W's DVD stuff. I've done both, and lifestar deals with reaction. The DVD deals with complete responsibility from his actions. It is about your husband getting it.

More than one way to skin a cat, but that DVD made a huge difference in my life and marriage.

SA and working the program works everytime it's tried. SA and lifestar do not cover the intimacty issues, which are often at the core of our s addictions."
posted at 16:40:00 on August 15, 2011 by Anonymous
I'll give the DVD to u    
"Your situation sounds so much like mine...PTSD is really hard to live with. When someone doesn't have it it's hard to explain to them. I don't think my husband will ever understand what I feel like, how scary episodes are. When I have one, I try really hard to hide it. I don't really know what else to do?...my husband wonders why I'm stuck in the past with these PTSD symptoms. I want to be released from it I really really do. I have found that I cannot control the flashbacks or nightmares...but I'm working on my reaction to them (with suggestions from my counselor). It's rough and I'm so sorry u have to deal with this.
I'll post a link to a post my husband wrote and I commented on it. He watched the helping her heal DVD, really wasnt for him. I think it's one of those things that the guy really has to want. I purchased it and asked him to watch it. He did and I'm grateful he did because I asked him. It backfired and was counterproductive for us. Now I have a copy of that DVD that will never be used. I would love for it to go to someone that could actually benefit from it. I watched it, felt this guy really gets it!! Felt nice to be understood a little. But it is called helping her heal, and useless to me as I already know/live all he is talking about.
Anywho u want it, it's yours.

Here is the link to the post my hubby wrote

http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=10094"
posted at 17:23:08 on August 15, 2011 by Summer
Summer, I'm grateful    
"You are awesome! I'm so humbled by your generosity. It was great to re-read what the posts you linked talked about. It made me tear up again as some of the comments are exactly how I'm feeling and what I yearn for as well. I do know I'm in charge of my own "recovery" but, it's easier to have an understanding husband who wants the best for me and us as a couple. :)"
posted at 18:37:49 on August 15, 2011 by confidence
Summer update?    
"Haven't seen a post from you in awhile. How are you guys?"
posted at 21:39:10 on August 15, 2011 by chefdalet
That's right    
"Summer thanks for your comments. It is so true that the husband has to want this. My husband purchased it when Hero told about a sale on the website. I didn't even know he bought it. It was his idea. I should have said that wives might only present the idea of the DVD. He has to be ready, because it expects complete responsibility from the husband.

My steps and my faith are helping me more than anything, but I have to say that when I have a PTSD moment and my husband is there, he knows what to do, and it has worked every time. Again it has to be their choice and must come from complete humility.

Maybe your husband is just not at that point yet. My was not for many years. It is all in the Lord's time."
posted at 02:02:51 on August 16, 2011 by Anonymous
He has to want It!    
"The CD will do no good unless Hubby is in recovery enough. It rakes time. When I read back through my recovery journal and see where we were at in early recovery, (6 months-12)
I am amazed how far we have come. It helps me to go over some of the hard times to make sure I am not falling into denial again or into the codependent roll again. I know my PTSD is getting better when I can read those difficult times and not revert. I still have to worry about triggers identify them and avoid. Two years into recovery! Takes time! Our world is so much better. Our marriage is so much better.
Barm posted some notes that he took from his experience watching the CD. He took them down because he was worried about infringing on D.W. material. I printed them and I am so thankful for that because I have used them in my recovery groups. It comes from a man's perspective and not what his wife wants him to do. BUT, unless the addict is in recovery I have found he cannot process the info to help the wife yet. Rugga and some of the others were months into recovery before they could get past themselves and being the victim in this situation to truly want more for themselves and their wife and marriage.

I can testify that the sisters who have either gone directly to Dr. Doug for his intensive counseling or have had phone counseling have received the most complete recovery. Both recovering, the marriage recovering. They have been instrumental in helping others! Again, as it has been stated! Nothing replaces the 12 steps and the ARP program, get good counseling, a sponsor, a spiritual advisor, journal, read scriptures, and pray, pray, pray!

It is hard to find peace in recovery without resolution! Patience and trust in the Lord is the answer, along with good works and the Grace of our Heavenly Father bestowed upon our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Healthy Boundaries ! I cannot say enough about boundaries for yours and your families safety and your recovery and peace. Know what you need to feel safe. How you should be treated as a daughter of God, and what you want your life to look like. Set boundaries. Have a plan B, if your boundaries are broken. What YOU are going to do.



Summer so good to hear from you again. "
posted at 12:13:44 on August 16, 2011 by Hero
Guys are programmed to try to "fix something"    
"Its in men's nature.. You are having a bad day.. Most men's response is "if I fix something she will have a better day"..

Many times people just want to be validated. Perhaps when you are having a bad bad day, all you really need is to have someone listen to you and validate your feelings.

I just read this FANTASTIC book on how to validate well. It is changing the way I communcate with everyone around me. I dont have to be responsible to fix people problems. In fact I cant fix anyones problem.

It's called
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Lundberg, Gary, Lundberg, Joy"
posted at 17:06:38 on August 16, 2011 by Hurtallover
The DVD is on it's way :)    
"I mailed the DVD today. Im excited it's going to someone it might help. I agree with u...it's ideal to have a husband that understands. I hope the DVD brings some of that for u!! Let us know how it goes for u and your husband.
Chefdalet-
Thanks for asking how we are doing. I think we're doing good on the recovery from this problem. That's the husbands category, I don't have any reason not to trust what he is telling me right now. He is trying really hard. He has learned a lot, and is now working on how to put actions to our marriage. I am working on my codependant issue. Man thats a hard one for me...it seems like such a fine line to walk, but im trying hard to figure it out. We haven't had much time to really work together on this, but we have talked a lot and are really trying to understand eachother. We have had some other big trials and that has taken much of our time, these things are beyond our control...but we have been working it together. It's nice to be a team again. I love that man!!! I'm excited to have the opportunity to have a second chance."
posted at 20:30:33 on August 16, 2011 by Summer
Thanks again    
"Summer, with all the feelings deep in my heart, I thank you for your giving. I do hope it helps him understand more deeply what I need. I also am wondering about holding off having him watch it (or even telling him about having it lol) until he's got more recovery behind his belt.

Tonight at Lifestar we (us women in my group) requested that the therapist cover some of the PTSD/trauma stuff and how the husband should deal with it. Well, my husband had walked out to take a restroom break when the therapist went over it. I told him tonight (in a casual way) that he missed that. Then, he commented that he thought it was probably brought up because he had asked the other guy running the group (he's not a therapist, but is someone also in charge) what to do w/ the PTSD stuff. The only thing my husband shared with me is that he was told he needs to be tougher. So... he's getting the words, but I'm not sure if he's ready for the action just yet. Progress, not perfection! :)"
posted at 00:05:34 on August 17, 2011 by confidence


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