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Getting better?
By blindman
8/12/2011 4:27:28 PM
I keep trying to understand my addiction to pornography. Sure it can be pleasing to the body, but there comes a point where it is awful, filthy, and degrading. I don't think I can really understand my addiction in logical terms because addiction is not logical. I still get the temptation to look; one little peek won't hurt, but it is never one little peek. Maybe I am getting my morals back, maybe the Lord is helping me resist, maybe I am losing interest, maybe my relationship with my wife is more important to me, maybe I am tired of being angry at myself for choosing to do something that leads to suffering. There is no way around it, when I look at porn I end up feeling dirty. I feel as if I am endorsing the creation and distribution of a product I know to be harmful and destructive. I can no longer live with that on my conscience.

Pornography is a growing and changing thing. It knows no boundaries and is afraid of no one. I remember a time when porn was very bland according to today's standards. The age of people involved, the acts performed, the total lack of self-worth, and here am I getting off to it. That just doesn't fit. This is not who I want to be. This goes against everything I believe. I may still have slip ups and I am not perfect, but I am going to put this behind me. I can always wish that this had never happened to me, but in a way it is a blessing. Through my trials I have found God and I understand Him in a way that I don't think I ever could have without these trials. I also understand others, I am better able to empathize, and I am able to actually care for others who may believe they are not capable of being loved.

I do not regret this path that I have chosen. It has been hard and I have not always been able to understand it, but what I have gained through this trial is amazing. I can't put it all into words, but I can feel it. Living with an addiction is not about staying abstinent or the steps, but is about learning to live how God intends us to. Come to God, then use the steps, and abstinence will come after you have learned what you need to know from this trial. The trick is once you know, don't forget, or you will never be free from the addiction.

I am not preaching, just putting my thoughts down. Everything I have written is applicable to me first. If it is helpful to anyone else in any way at all, great.

I pray that everyone out there who is struggling with something, whether it is something you struggle with, or someone you love and you are struggling with them; seek out what it is you can learn from this. What character traits can you develop that will make the journey easier. What is God trying to teach you? Patience, humility, love; for yourself or others, faith, trust in God? See what it is that you are lacking and if you address this things will get better. I have been addressing my relationship with my wife, not so much the sexual part of it, but the emotional part. Communicating about feelings, trying to be there for her, and letting her be there for me. It has helped. I don't feel so isolated and helpless. She is on my team.

May each of you know that God is there to help you through this, none of us need be alone. That in itself has been very comforting to me. Go with God my brothers and sisters.

Comments:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!    
"You may need to change your handle (name) from blindman to something else. Hi, my name is Mike and I am in recovery from PASG (Pornography and Sex Addiction) My handle 3R's means that 1. I am in RECOVERY, 2. I have been RESTORED to full Temple worthiness, 3. i have been REDEEMED by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. His Atoning Blood has given me a set of Clean Hands and a Pure Heart. I shun Porn. I would rather maintain my integrity and honor my covenants then to even look at it for one second.

I have not been translated yet. I still get tempted. The way girls dress these days you can't help but notice things. I had to start singing a hymn today - a Sacrament Hymn - "How Great The Wisdom and The Love" Singing a hymn when you are tempted is like a prayer. You receive strength to turn you back on porn. I do not want to patronize these poor women who are caught in a web of sin themselves. Cyber sluts and we are their patrons. What does that make us? No wonder the Savior stooped down and started writing in the dirt with His finger. He wouldn't answer this poor sisters accusers who were shouting "Stone Her". But He did say - "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Then he turned to this poor entrapped sister and said "Go and sin no more". I am not qualified to cast stones, but I can certainly take my Savior's counsel and "go and sin no more".

At least that is what all of us addicts want to think. How is it then that we often find ourselves drawn into the web of porn and get pulled in as if porn were stronger then gravity. Know this - The Lord created us as sexual beings. We have gender, we have hormone laden blood in our veins, we are naturally attracted to the most beautiful of all of Heavenly Fathers creations. Our sexual attraction before marriage and our sexual union within marriage is Divinely Mandated. There is no escape. Satan has laid a masterful plan to take advantage of our inherent weaknesses and give us counterfeit pleasure. The male mind cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality. Porn is a big lie, it is fantasy, it is fake it is degrading and in the end you end up feeling empty, cheap, dirty and broken.

I drive a bus for a nursing home. The other day I picked up a young man from the hospital who was being admitted to our Nursing and Rehab facility. He had more needle marks on him then a pin cushion. He told me that he wants to get clean. He has tried everything and nothing has worked. I asked him if he were a Latter-day Saint. He said yes. We talked and I assured him that he can become clean and that the Savior can heal him from the inside out. I gave him a copy of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program manual and I put my testimony of the program on the inside cover. I visit with him everyday and I and his grandpa who was visiting him gave him a Priesthood Blessing. I told him that his road to complete recovery is not going to be easy but with the Saviors help he can do it. All of those needle marks will disappear. Just like a Heroin Addicts needle marks, every time we view pornography we are injecting ourselves with our poisonous "FIX". These needle marks are on our brains neurons AND THEY DON'T GO AWAY." In addition to your comments about gaining knowledge, we also have to take action. The action steps in our recovery books help us do that.

So, coming out of darkness into the Saviors marvelous light is so comforting. My daily fix is the Book of Mormon. My mid-day pick me up is a sacred hymn. My evening "chill out" time is having dinner with my wife. My going to be relaxer is kneeling prayer with my wife. After that I say a mental prayer close my eyes.

Love your post. Come here again."
posted at 00:00:47 on August 13, 2011 by 3R's
NICE!    
"Real great read! agreed with every word you said i may not be proud of what I've done but neither do i regret the road I've gone through because in some ways it made me stronger!"
posted at 08:34:00 on August 13, 2011 by Teddy
NICE!    
"Real great read! agreed with every word you said i may not be proud of what I've done but neither do i regret the road I've gone through because in some ways it made me stronger!"
posted at 08:34:01 on August 13, 2011 by Teddy
Huge accomplishment    
"What you have learned and the way that you view this trial is so amazing.
I hope that you are able to keep this perspective and that you and your sweet wife continue to be on the same team."
posted at 18:06:21 on August 27, 2011 by faith21
Awesome post..    
"However, with the saviors help he can also remove the images in your head..I have experienced this and it is a great..I know that by continually surrendering my life over to my Savior that he will free me from the images and the temptations..You will get to a point where you will not even want to be tempted and if you do, He will help you look the other way."
posted at 07:56:25 on August 28, 2011 by urbnoutdrzmn


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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990