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I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE!
By momof5
8/12/2011 2:44:46 PM
Okay so my mom has been watching my kids while my husband and I take classes concerning his mental illness. So any way she called me the other day and said she think she knows what is going on in the marriage. She said does your husband have a porn addiction? I am sorry but I couldn't lie so I said I will not say either way. I felt like I can't expect my husband to be honest unless I am totally honest also. So now my husband does not feel comfortable going around my family at all. ( Maybe this will mean the marriage won't make it, but then again that is in the lords hands) And then my mom told me well shouldn't you remove all the computers in your house? So I guess my question is it has been 15 months since my husband has sought out porn. Should I cancel tv and remove all computers in the house? He still has his phone? And will this really cure him of his addiction? But if I do this them maybe it will be a lot easier for the spirit to dwell in my home:) Oh and by the way I still have not received an answer to my prayer of whether I should stay in my relationship or go. For the wives out there do you feel the same about your husband? I don't know if I will ever feel love for my husband again! Is that really a marriage?

Comments:

Not your fault    
"You didn't make a mistake, you gave the only answer you could give that would not hurt you for lying or hurt your husband by explicitly revealing his secret. Even though your mom is probably smarter than a door knob and if she is asking you then she has probably put things together. Not your fault. Don't beat yourself up.

You can say that your marriage is in the Lord's hands, but don't forget that it is just as much in you and your husbands'. By removing the computers and tvs this only makes accessing porn more difficult. This could be good or bad. This also does not treat the problem, it merely puts a band aid over it.

It can be good by making porn more difficult to access and he may therefore just give it up and not think about it anymore. Addiction doesn't work like that though. Depending on where he is in addiction he may seek out other sources to meet that craving. This of course would be the bad side of the coin.

I will admit that we tried that before and it didn't work. I simply would go stores and buy or steal porn. Thankfully I came to my senses and stopped stealing it. I am very grateful that I have been able to learn my lessons without the justice system getting involved. That very well may have scared me straight, but that would be a fear based on humiliation and not true obedience.

I guess we must all trudge our own path to salvation, but we do not have to do it alone. I understand where your husband is coming from in not wanting other people to know about his secret. My advise is to stop trying to be someone he isn't. He is trying to put up this false image for others to see and it is not who he really is. I think we all do this to some extent, but when we try to hide things about ourselves that become such a big part of who we are we get sick. It may not be soon, but one day he will need to accept himself as an addict who is in recovery. None of us can hide from who we are and what we have done, those things define us. Granted they can be embarrassing and humiliating, but that is life; learn from your mistakes or keep repeating them.

I am not even trying to tell you what you should do in regards to your prayers about your relationship, but maybe you are not getting an answer because you are asking the wrong question or the question isn't really important right now. Look to see what you can learn from this. If in the end your path diverges from your husbands then you will know that it is for the best and there is no other options, but there is much soul searching to be done before such a possibility can be truly considered.

I hope that you can figure out what it is you need and you will allow yourself to have it. God is with you."
posted at 17:01:26 on August 12, 2011 by blindman
Mom Of 5    
"I know you asked for wives to speak up so I hope you don't mind a recovering addict sharing a few things.


I have read a bit lately and just have a few things to share.

It is absolutely great that you now have someone to talk to I mean someone who knows you intimately - No one better than a family member for support.

She probably does not know much about the addiction so her questions are probably more for her own understanding than advice for you at this stage. Eventually she will be a great source for comfort if not yet already as she gains knowledge about the addiction and your heavy load.

Your husband will get over the shame of others knowing and it can work wonders for him as he now realizes others know the secret. It is a blessing for you guys more than you realize.

One thing I have learned through this whole healing and repentance process is this:
The Lord does not make the decisions for us, we do, it all boils down to one question for both. That question is can be universally applied to any situation and any problem:

HOW MUCH DO I REALLY WANT IT?

If the answer is not much then don't expect much and if there is low expectation well there are likely to be found no real praiseworthy results."
posted at 21:07:27 on August 12, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Do not worry about it    
"Addiction thrives in secrecy. I told my family and it was a great relief. I needed support and help. Would I ever think of handling cancer on my own? I let him deal with the judgment. He was not at ease at first but they and him have gotten use to it. He felt so bad at the begginning that he organised a meeting to apologize to my parents for the way he had been treating me and to explain the nature of his addiction. I think it was good for him, because the more people know, the more accountable he is. Also, it humbled him. It was good, it is no longer a secret for our family. And yes there are funny things some times, a comment here or there, but he has learned to brushed them off. They are not judgmental people though and they expressed to him their forgiveness and support in this trial. In times of need, I have the support I need and that is important for me. My parents also made suggestions, expressed concerns about certain things such as the children safety, etc... We were able to reassure them.
About tv and computers, I think that there is more wicked things on tv than good, I do not ever want it in my house. For my own sake and my children's and if it helps my addict, why not? But I do not want to look at the garbage society is trying to feed me about how women are suppose to look like, etc... I find tv to be such a waste of time ... but it is a personnal choice. I felt that way even before confession and this reinforced my motivation to really make this home as clean as possible. So TV was first to go for me. I have covenant eyes on the computer, again for my own sake and the sake of my children, I just wanted to do my part in making sure that filth would not be in my house if I could help it. It was about feeling safe for me and creating a safe environnement for the kids (they learn so quiclky how the remote works and how to surf, and you can not always be watching). I know these things have helped the husband, not so much because he did not have access to it in the house (also a block on his phone), but because he saw that I was serious about no porn in the house. It helped him believe that I was not going to live with a full blown addict. I told him to choose, and I will not be resentful at all but I could not live like that, for my own emotional survival. So he chose to work it out, he has a strategy and a plan to deal with his addiction. We educated ourselves, got a therapist, we both went to ARP.
I still do not feel in love with him, I do not know if I would ever be. But I desperately want to forgive him and I slowly am. I feel I can not make the decision to divorce him until I have no resentment in my heart. Because resentment clouds your judgment. I want to make this decision when I feel my heart and head are clear. But I would have left him on the spot and will if he did not take his recovery seriously (going to ARP, to the therapist, working the steps, etc.).
Noone can tell you what you need to do. Choose the right about what you allow in your home. Do the best you can do in every situation. Take care of yourself above everything else. Take care of your body, get enough sleep, exercice, good food. Go to Arp for yourself. Love yourself and believe that this is only temporary. Do not let this destroy you. You are better than all of this. Do not react rather decide to act. Work on yourself. Let go of everything else. Trust God to sort your marriage out. Relax, you do not have to be blown by everything he does or says. Do not let his addiction control you. Detach from his addiction and work the steps.
Prayers for you"
posted at 21:22:24 on August 12, 2011 by crushed
T.V.    
"We do not have television in the house. We do use Netflix for movies or shows that we want to see, but I agree with crushed on this one. IMO there is nothing out there that is good that outweighs that which is bad. "Good, Better, Best" is what I think about when it comes to T.V. and even if something is 'good' there is always something 'better'. We use NetNanny to lock down the computers. I am the only one with the password and it doesn't change anything other than trying to be smart in a defensive way against this issue. Popups are evil. My .02"
posted at 19:56:09 on August 14, 2011 by maddy
My experience    
"Tell a select few. You need all the support you need. I agree with crushed about the accountability. But, I would caution you on telling those who do not understand the addiction, or will not try to understand, or who are not in the program. Confidentiality is important. Sometimes the one we confide in can not forgive or it becomes a burden to them. This in turn can make our recovery harder dealing with others who are not in the program or choose not to forgive. Some family members cannot understand our willingness to forgive and work through the cancer. Some addicts have let the addiction take them where many can not comprehend our ability to forgive. They may view our decisions to work through this as a weekness instead of strength! Every couple is different! Their situation different! Your Heavenly Father knows, talk to him, he will give you the best advice, then pray for the courage to follow his will.

Prayers,"
posted at 12:42:42 on August 16, 2011 by Hero
Are you treating the symptoms or the disease?    
"Momof5: I know this is an old thread. Hopefully you'll get an email or something to let you know there's a new comment. This is from the perspective of a recovering addict. First, it's important to keep in mind that act out-behavior like pornography consumption is kind of like an alcoholic drinking beer. The drinker is looking for an alcohol buzz so he consumes beer. If you take away his beer, but he still has his wine and tequila and vodka and schnapps and everclear and whiskey and moonshine, nothing has been accomplished. He'll keep drinking different kinds of alcohol to get his buzz.

If you take TV and internet away from a sex and porn addict (really, a lust addict), it's like taking beer away from an alcoholic. It's only effective if he gives up all the different version his drug, gets treatment for the underlying pain that he's trying to self-medicate and gets involved in an effective support group with other recovering addicts to teach him the tools of sobriety and recovery.

Lust addicts who are not in recovery don't need TV or internet to get their drug. They can get lust hits from magazines, books, newspaper ads, women walking down the street, women in the next car over at the stoplight, women at church, women in the neighborhood, women at the kids' school, women at work, women at the gym, women at the car wash, women in their head, women anywhere or nowhere. This is why they need an serious and active recovery plan that involves help from other recovering addicts. Otherwise, they can't come to understand that porn is not the culprit here; lust is. Internet porn and sexually provocative television are just two ways of injecting lust into their brains through their eyeballs. Take them away and the addict is compelled to get his lust hits in other ways--unless he get into treatment and recovery.

The other thing I was thinking about is your own recovery. Your husband has been dropping bombs on you for your entire marriage whether you were aware of the mental, emotional and spiritual injuries or not. You have been wounded repeatedly for years. Those who are best able to help you are women who have had your same experiences and are further along in the recovery process. You will most likely find them at S-Anon meetings. These are not husband-bashing events; they are helpful, inspiring, strengthening meetings full of dynamic--even happy--women who want to share their experience, strength and hope with others.

As others have noted above, you have to be careful who you share with. This is especially true is you choose to share with someone who has little or no experience understanding and dealing with addiction and all that surrounds it. People who love you must oftentimes have no understanding of addiction and can't really give you the help and support you need to recover from the mess someone else's addiction has caused in your life. Again, I really recommend S-Anon. A lot of LDS women attend S-Anon meetings and they love it. It's a lifesaver for them.

Rowboat"
posted at 02:50:21 on October 29, 2011 by rowboat
Mother in-law dearest!    
"Sometimes, especailly in Step 5 where we confess, family members can get in the way, they can be harmed orfeel betrayed and thereby slow down the recovery process. The Lord loves your husband enough and with His Atoning sacrifice he can remove all of his character weaknesses. Your husband will a much stronger man and a worthy Priesthood holder then he was when you guys married. Your mom has no business in medling with your affairs unless there is outright physical and sexual abuse on you and your children. She is then required by law to report it to DCF. Other then that, I would politely tell your mom that no, you are not going to get rid of your tv or computer or phones. Heck, let's all go out and join the Amish and get rid of electricity too. Let the women wear Burka's too."
posted at 08:49:43 on October 29, 2011 by 3R's
i'll tell ya what my family did to me    
"you know me, mr cynical...sky...

My dad found out about my problem at an early age, uh cause I made the mistake in telling him (big mistake; but I was 16, so I wasn't wise to the world totally)..... so in his reverent, "Im a righteous priesthood holder" way...he said several times that I was a "masturbating son-of-a-bxxxh"......so that was the support I got from my father + mother in, 1992-1993ish...1994 they kicked me out, and then here more recently since 2006ish, I haven't spoken to him or my mother, because of their abuse + lack of compassion + understanding, thru out the years......

I did the 70 x 7, and I got the 80 x 8 package....and then at 100 I walked away....

Now on the other hand, I wasn't the star son either, there was quite a bit of bs handed out from me, but, although later, I still grew up, and changed a lot, + I'm not that same angry 15 year old. Ps I'm 34 now

There's lots to my story, I should write book.......

But ya, I have the belief now, that you're family isn't your therapist or bishop.....PERIOD.....so, my opinion, its none of your families business what is going between spouses. Period..........

The honesty thing.......its none of their business...you don't have to tell anything. Its not an honesty issue....its not their biz!!!!!!!!!

Likewise, if my kid who is 12 is masturbating, for instance, its not my parents biz (his grandparents).....

Look the "being honest" doesn't mean shout your problems or business to the world....unless you choose to, but you can't control what people are going to do....so my advice, don't tell her anything.

Politely say, "this is between us and we are working on it". And "I would just appreciate your faith, love + support right now + prayers, and please reach out to him to affirm your love for him"

Addicts suffer from the "no-body-loves-me-I'm-a-dirt-bag-god-hates-me" mentality......they need love. Volunteer your family to love him! Service project 101.......
^i would almost guarantee that your husband has said that, no one loves me, or when he is i"
posted at 03:03:09 on October 30, 2011 by skyteamst90
part 2---got cut off at the posting    
"He problaby has said that when in his element....it one of the lies we believe first....no body loves me

Oh what a price jesus paid for love...

You can love again. Takes time, takes a lot. It takes relearning what you forgot.


I hope I didn't come off brash. This is my opinion. These are just my opinions + what I have learned. Of course my experience is diff from every1 else, but if my thought or insite can help, that's what I hope. I look at things differently and I know this.

Your family isn't your therapist remember that. Cuz past generations don't get gen-xers problems -or- the whole porn thing. Back in the day they kept in the family + uncle so + so just drank....

Follow the direction of a bishop or spirit."
posted at 03:15:27 on October 30, 2011 by skyteamst90
MOMOF5    
"I truly understand where you are coming from. I believe that you did what you felt was best in that moment, and you should not beat yourself up about it. If you want to fully disclose the exact nature of the addiction and your marriage then that is up to you. You have to decide if it is safe to allow your mother, or any other person for that matter, into a place that is so intimate and vulnerable. Part of my partners acting out includes internet porn as well. What I am learning is that his disease and his healing/recovery is his alone. In other words, removing TV or computers from the home does not guarantee he will stop acting out, and that most definitely will not "cure" him.It may make things easier on you, but it may just give him drive to discover new ways of acting out. Maybe the two of you can sit down and come to some agreement or compromise. But if you remove things from a place of controlling or "curing" his behavior, I feel it may lead to more grief.To answer your question, YES! I feel the same way about my partner. I take each day one step at a time. I focus on where I am in the moment and doing what is best for my healing and well being. I have no idea where I will be next year or even next month for that matter. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. May you find peace and healing on your journey."
posted at 18:16:46 on October 30, 2011 by Anonymous
TV or Computer    
"Knowing what I know now! I would make my first boundaries for continuing a relationship and how I would allow another to impact the spirit of my home and where my children live. I would make sure any device capable of accessing the Internet are installed with porn blockers. It is my home and I have the right to protect myself and my children even if it happens to be their father. I will have the password and no one else. This isn't controlling. This is protection. If you do not then you are inviting a porn, store right into your home. Any adult who wishes to seek this type of behavior will not do it in my home. Block your router also."
posted at 22:16:38 on October 30, 2011 by Hero
The Media Decision is yours    
"Do what feels safe, if he loves you as much as he professes he will accept this need of yours.

Why are you wanting to do it?

If it is to change him or help him - wrong motivation as has been well stated above.

If it is to protect your family from his wicked practices - fantastic motivation!

Spiritual security matters more than the family's need for media accessibility."
posted at 13:39:56 on October 31, 2011 by ruggaexpat
just one opinion    
"I don't claim to be an expert on recovery or on marriage. But here's one perspective.

It may or may not have been a mistake to tell your mother. But you intended no harm. Your husband has clearly made mistakes in the past. If the both of you can learn to forgive each other, that is a great bit of progress in a relationship. None of us are perfect. We will all make mistakes in relationships; these bonds have to be able to endure through them.

The decision to remove all computers from the home is one that you and your husband have to make together. It is not your mother's.

You want your husband to act like an adult, I assume. Then he has to be treated as one.

I'm saying this as a husband who's made more than enough mistakes and hasn't always acted like an adult or a righteous priesthood holder. But I have a wife who has been patient, forgiving, and loving.


-HK"
posted at 14:29:34 on November 18, 2011 by hk-47


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006