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Hardest Path Ever Taken
By Faith21
7/30/2011 4:00:21 AM
Doctrine and Covenants 122:8 — The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
You know when you get the feeling that you are supposed to do something and its not going to be pleasant? Yup thats me. Only I wish it was something like I have to clean the whole house with a toothbrush.

Each of us have out own Gethsemane to pass through. Refiners fire and such. Looking at the big picture is really easy because you can say that this life is short and eternal blessings are waiting on the other side.

Ok the reality of it all is- DIVORCE. A path I have been trying to avoid for the last 7+ years.

You fight the fight everyday with the spouse addicted to porn. You fight the codependency that goes along with it, you fight the mental illness your spouse has. Then your a mother to 4, a maid, a cook, a teacher, etc. By the end of the day you are so drained and there is still so much to do.

My husband doesn't go to therapy, isn't really active in the church, hasn't been to the temple in 5 years, doesn't pray, doesn't wanna read scriptures, isn't involved with our 4 children in any way shape or form, and doesn't want help with his "past" addiction to porn. Sounds like a looser right?

Why cant he just give me a hug or kiss without having to grab me, have hands up my shirt, etc. Why isn't it enough? I feel more like an object than a wife to him.

So why stay? Because dealing with the "usual" crap is better than the unknown. I would have to go back to work. I would not have a car. I don't have a lot of family here. And I have two special needs children. Oh and I am scared. Thats a big one.

With my husband having his own mental illness of bipolar- I feel like I can't make him go through a divorce that he doesn't understand. He either doesn't see the problems or wants to ignore them and play dumb. Because he thinks our marriage is super and that we are happy. We co-exsist mostly. And it boils down to that he honestly wouldn't see the divorce coming. He would feel ambushed.

So stay in the hellish nightmare of a marriage so that you can control how involved he is with your kids and what he is doing? Or do you chance all the unknowns?

I am tired of the love/hate relationship that I have. I hate this all.

Comments:

Tough    
"It sounds like your husband doesn't want to change, and that is hard. Obviously I don't know all of the specifics of your situation, but if I were you I would give him an ultimatum. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, what you are unhappy with, and tell him that you will support him through his trials. But if his actions don't change, you leave him. He needs to decide whether you or his addiction is more important to him. It will be scary, but if it's for your own good and the good of your children...it's probably the right thing to do."
posted at 08:31:50 on July 30, 2011 by Anonymous
OH FAITH 21    
"I feel like you and I have a lot in common. I read what you wrote above and felt like you were talking about my life. I also fear the unknowns. But I also know my children do not understand what is going on right now and it is really affecting them. My husband also doesn't want to go to therapy. Well he will go but only for me, and he keeps leaving and lying. I don't know if you have heard of NAMI anyway it is a free class you can take to help to understand mental illness better. I too worry about the unknown. But how long do we sit back and take the unhappy years of marriage I have had 12. I can tell you what else when he is gone there is peace in the home. I will pray for you that you will gain peace again because it sounds like we are both in for a long rollercoaster of a ride. By the way did tou ever ask the therapist what behaviors came from the addiction and what comes from the mental illness? Because I am so confused on what is what? That is why I don't know how to know if his addiction is gone or still here? I would love to here from you again faith 21. I could really use a friend right now who uinderstands what I am going through:)"
posted at 10:11:31 on July 30, 2011 by momof5
18 months    
"I gave mine 18 months the last time I found out about the SA. Now, we are down to 17 months. I dealt with verbal and physical abuse, and now this SA, and it is no way for me to keep living. Honestly, I think 18 months is long enough for him to make some changes, and a time limit I believe I can endure. Really, I wish it were less time, but I don't think that would be fair to him. Oh, BTW, this is something my Bishop was inspired to suggest to me."
posted at 10:13:59 on July 30, 2011 by Anonymous
choices    
"So your choice is between the sure hell that you are living now or an uncertain future without him? Your fear is all that is holding you back."
posted at 22:50:10 on July 30, 2011 by Anonymous
Be prepared    
"I have started moving forward on preparing for being a single mom. Back to school, emotional prepping, understanding the legal process....and the funny thing has been as I feel less fear because of finances and loneliness, the more I feel clear about making the decision. So far my decision has been to stay a bit longer, but the forward motion/progression is so healthy for me.

I was really upset for you over the description of his apathy and objectification towards you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Hugs!"
posted at 11:35:41 on August 2, 2011 by maddy
Why?    
"That the thing that stinks- I have given him all these chances to correct things and to recovery and what not- he doesn't even think about the goals or things that we have set up. He says he is too busy or it just hasn't crossed his mind. Obviously not important to him. Huge blow to my self worth"
posted at 01:42:32 on August 3, 2011 by Faith21
Worth    
"Don't let him define your worth.

I've slowly, slowly learned that my worth has nothing to do with my husband at all. For a while I thought God didn't love me, or played a cruel joke on me, because of His role in directing me to marry my husband. All I wanted was to do the Lord's will and I ended up married to someone with an addiction. How could that be the Lord's will???? I felt God didn't love me.

I felt that my worth as a person was correlated with my husbands failures or successes. If he looked at pornography then I wasn't 'enough'. If he didn't change then I wasn't worth changing for. If he etc...etc...then I...etc....etc...It was all untrue and I wasn't seeing reality for what it was.

My worth has nothing to do with my husbands illness. My worth has nothing to do with my illnesses either. I am not worth less to my Savior because my husband is broken, nor am I worth less to my Savior because I am broken. If anything...I am more precious because His investment in me is so huge.

What are you worth? You are worth the life of Jesus Christ. You are worth the weight of the atonement. That was the price you were bought with and he didn't haggle or try to lower the cost. He paid it willingly, knowing you were worth it.

To me, the definition of sacrifice is: Giving up something Good for something better. The Savior made the ultimate sacrifice. So what was the GOOD thing? And what was the better thing? Well, in His eyes, His good life, His very, very good life, His perfect life, was what He gave up. The better thing....well that is you and me. In His eyes we are more precious than His own mortal life or any amount of suffering.

Don't doubt your worth."
posted at 10:48:07 on August 3, 2011 by maddy
Maddy,    
"You've done it again. I just loved this post. So beautiful. And so are you!"
posted at 13:06:48 on August 3, 2011 by Anonymous
Thanks again    
"I love having this connection with all of you. It makes me realize how hard it has been to not have a leaning ear when they don't get it."
posted at 02:24:54 on August 5, 2011 by Faith21


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"The Savior teaches that we will have tribulation in the world, but we should "be of good cheer" because He has "overcome the world". His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction… He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us. Brothers and sisters, the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference October 2006