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WHAT NOW??????
By MOMOF5
7/29/2011 11:54:05 PM
My husband has finally figured out the right diagnosis he is adhd. The other day he took the filter off his phone and forgot to tell me about it? Then today he has bought a new laptop computer, and he chose not to come home tonight. I think he is sleeping in a hotel room tonight. For all those addicts can you please tell me the signs that you really know your spouse has given up porn? Because in my mind I think I will never really know the truth. Last month he left 10 times to sleep in hotel rooms but he swears all he did was just sleep. He says he has to run away and take a break because of his mental illness. I think he is back into the porn:( I did put up some boundaries tonight I told him all electronic devices in my home wil have a filter (for the 5 kids safety). I also told him we needed to see a counselor who specialized in porn addiction. I also told him I would like to have him come with me to the 12 step meetings. I also told him I want to be involved with the finances. He told me no and that he is not coming home. I think I lost my family to the addiction of porn:) And yes I do want to hear from both sides spouses and addicts. I just don't know what to do from here? Why didn't my husband choose his family??????????????

Comments:

So sorry!!    
"I cannot even imagine all that you are feeling and thinking! What a tough decision. I wish I had some amazing words of advice that would solve it all. More and more I am finding how within a family- even the smallest decision impacts big time on the family.
I haven't been in your situation so I won't try to act like it. I am currently at the edge of decision with divorce as well. My husband hates that I "live" in the past and cannot get over things. After praying a lot and therapy and all those helpful things I have come to a conclusion- I cannot get past things because they are still a problem. The Lord would help me find peace to overcome all these hurtful issues if they were not a current problem. He wouldn't want me to stay in a harmful or unhappy position.
Had a very spiritual experience recently. Would like to share some with you. I look at my children and I know I would do anything for them. They have some struggles and more and more I am understanding that the way things are in my house- all the tension, the back and forth (divorce or not) stress, etc. it is hurting my kids. My husband is a grown adult- yes he has mental issues. However he has had plenty of chances to have help through the bishop, ward members, therapy and says he doesn't need them. Even if he had a "hard" childhood, at some point he should have to take responsibility and say he wants things to be different. Living with porn and addiction just tears a family apart. I never dreamed of how it has ruined so much of my life.
I am placing my children in harms way. Chances of them coming upon porn are much higher when living with an addict. My Father in Heaven has born witness to me that even if my husband and I stayed married here on Earth it won't last to the eternities.
You are a daughter of your Heavenly Father. He doesn't want to watch you suffer. He wants for you to be happy and for you to not live in fear of any of this.
My husband and I did 6 years of therapy. But he went to make me happy. So none of the changes stuck. A person can start out changing for someone else but it wont last if they are doing it for the wrong reason.
I don't know why your husband would choose porn over his family. I do know that Satan would love nothing more than to destroy your family. Those are really hard internal struggles. Maybe a longer seperation would help your husband to see how blessed he was to have his family. Losing something makes it that much more valuable.
And you may seperate and decide you are a lot happier. Thats hard to say beccause I am co-dependent on my husband and even thinking that makes me feel guilty.
Please know that your in my prayers!!
Much love! Faith"
posted at 03:17:02 on July 30, 2011 by Faith21
Comment and ADHD    
"I can totally relate to feeling that it is near impossible to know if they have given up their sexual addiction. In all reality, they will always be a "recovering SA." So, it will never be all the way gone, but in my mind, if they are a healthy recovering SA, they will use all their tools that will prevent anything from happening beyond a fleeting lustful thought every once in awhile.

That's why I've found that I need to accept that the SA is working on his recovery, and me on mine. We are separate. I can't and WON'T drag him into recovery. If he reaches the calm waters of recovery and I'm still there, waiting, then great. But, if I get there, and he's nowhere in sight, and the time boundary I set up has gone off, then I will move on. He knows of this boundary.

As for ADHD - I have ADHD as well. Just got diagnosed about a year ago. So, in reference to him not remembering things, that may very well be the ADHD talking, and not the secretive crap. Things with remembering, doing and completing tasks, and making thoughtful choices are challenging for someone with ADHD. Is he on any meds? Or will he try out meds? How was he diagnosed (usually there are childhood quizzes and therapists).

Having ADHD, and possibly a dysfunctional family is probably the base problem to the SA tendencies. As someone that has been challenged with ADHD that was undiagnosed, and having a "perfect" family, created devastating experiences for me as a child, and now an adult. Basically, I really think I experienced much trauma from others in the sense of "friends" leaving me probably because I was full of energy and vigor (and immature). I'm not a SA, but the more I read about PTSD and co-dependency, I can see how it all started for me.

Check out
http://www.additudemag.com />http://connect.additudemag.com />http://www.chadd.org/ />http://www.newideas.net/adhd/different-types-adhd />http://www.adders.org />http://www.adhdmarriage.com"
posted at 13:13:25 on July 30, 2011 by confidence
ADHD and Bipolar disoder are two entirely different beasts    
"...each with its challenges. Bipolar disorder can be extremely difficult and destructive to families.

Momof5, I won't mince words. I believe you have the right to know exactly what you are up against. He's probably cheating. You described every red flag and- bipolar thing aside, these are the actions of a man who is not ready for recovery. He may be ready somewhere down the road but then again, he may ride this thing to the bitter and dangerous end. You may be about to embark on a very difficult journey but by stretching you in every painful way, it will make you a better person and you can find a NEW kind of happiness and peace because of it. People who endure this kind of trial well are members of an elite club of spiritual warriors. It's a club that nobody wants to join but in the end nobody regrets the road that led them there.

You can do this! You are not alone! There is a fellowship of women out here who have your back! You were thrust into this situation unknowingly but fear not- Heavenly Father will lead you by the hand-sometimes one hour at a time, until you can see the light at the end of the tunnel."
posted at 16:02:43 on July 30, 2011 by Anonymous
confidencein    
"You are sorta in a different boat. Your husband seems to be trying. I see wonderful growth in your outlook and attitude! Keep up the good work."
posted at 16:04:05 on July 30, 2011 by Anonymous
I'm So Sorry    
"First, I'm ADD, and it wouldn't cause him to forget to tell you he took the filter off the phone. He's in his addiction. If he were sober he wouldn't be so secretive. Good job for setting a boundary. So sorry he chose the addiction instead. You can't change him. All you can do now is take care of you and your children. I can attest to the fact that being a single parent is hard, but I can also say that it's better than being in a bad situation with someone who refuses to change. Keep working your recovery and stay close to those that can help you like your counselor and bishop, and of course God. You'll be blessed. Try not to beat yourself up about why your husband chose his addiction over his family. We all choose our addiction over other things at times. I love my kids dearly, but still let a man I didn't really know spend the night at the house. That's part of the power of addiction. Hang in there.
D"
posted at 10:00:29 on August 2, 2011 by dstanley
Stay Strong    
"I also just want to say how wonderful I think your boundaries are and that I believe you are doing the right thing. It is pretty clear that he is not doing the right thing, but there is nothing you can do about that so just stay the course. Your example may inspire him to change eventually but that is despite the point because you are doing what is right BECAUSE it is right and not for him. I suspect my husband might be ADHD as well...our therapist thinks he may be BPD, but we don't know for sure. Either way that is a compounding trial and my heart goes out to you. I don't understand why he would make the choices that he is making, but I understand why you are doing what you are doing and I think it is amazing.
Maddy"
posted at 11:05:46 on August 2, 2011 by maddy
Faith    
"I know I wish that there was a chat room or something. I could give you my email address so we could email instead of blogging?
I came across this today and I thought ot myself first- but then you came to my mind.
Hope all is well with you tonight. Love and prayers your way!!
"Challenges, difficulties, questions, doubts-these are part of our mortality. But we are not alone. As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith."
--Elder Neil L. Andersen, "You Know Enough", Ensign, Nov 2008, 13–14"
posted at 00:59:49 on August 3, 2011 by Faith21
Faith 21    
"I know I need faith but it is so hard to have. I feel like DIVORCE might be easier in the long run. Most women I have come across their husbands always relapse. I need Heavenly Father to give me guidance on whether I should stay or not. Faith 21 I wish we could e-mail I could use all the talking I can right now. Thank-you for the thought above I will pray for you and all the women and there suffering that was brought upon us. HUGS MOMOF5"
posted at 08:46:27 on August 3, 2011 by momof5
I was diagnosed with ADHD but the symptoms have subsided with recovery    
"Just adding to the thread. About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. As part of the screening for the ADHD were some questions about sex practices which I lied about. I started taking wellbutrin which really helped me cope with stress at work and home. I was just happier. My addiction progressed and my life became more unmanageble.

Now that I'm 150ish days sober and really working hard at my recovery, I no longer need the wellbutrin. I have found more control and acceptance in my life by the mere action of surrendering to the Lord. I think that my ADD symptoms were caused by the addiction and the sense of unmanagebility/powerlessness.

This is my case and I'm not a doctor. Your mileage may vary.

may you find peace"
posted at 16:47:28 on August 4, 2011 by Hurtallover
I just read a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" it has good advice    
"Here's my addicts point of view.. I have 150ish days of sobriety so take that in mind. My brain probably hasnt grown back yet. :-)

I feel for you Momof5. It must be really hard wondering what the heck he is doing. I personally have hotel rooms in my list of things to be very wary about. When I travel on business, I put together a travel plan -- no TV, skype with the family, lots and lots of txt messages to wife and SAA friends.

I have found the lifestar program/marital counselor to be instrumental to help me to de-enmesh myself from my wife so that I can be happy regardless if she is having a bad day or not. Before, if she was having a bad day or having a long day with her friends, I would have high anxiety, imagine her getting ready to divorce me, telling her friends that Im a scumbag, getting ready to facebook my addiction to the world. It was driving me nutso. I learned that all of that was distorted thinking. I learned that it's ok to have those feelings but to recognize them as distortions and react to them based on what i KNOW and not what I feel.

One of the books referred to in lifestar was "boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. GREAT book. Great pratical advice on how to establish boundaries without being a naggy jerk. also how to transition into them so its not a shock to the relationship.

Frankly, his actions kinda freak me out but since you cant see what he is doing, you dont really know. This is where the boundaries come in place.. while you cant control his actions, that doesnt mean that you have to just look the other way and be happy.

Im not sure what the boundary and consequence looks like. Perhaps something like this:

"I dont like when you isolate in hotels with no contact. It costs the family money and it could provide a safe haven for extramarital relations. I am not accusing you of this but it is a possibility. You can keep doing this if you want, but if you do, I will not have sex with you for 6 weeks and until you have had a std test.. I still love you, Im just protecting myself just in case. This will probably piss him off since you arent trusting him. Oh well. Someone on this board said that boundaries are a recovering addicts best friend and an addicts worst enemy.


Read the book and try to figure out what fair boundaries and consequences looks like.

I really hope you find peace. "
posted at 17:14:39 on August 4, 2011 by Hurtallover
FYI    
"It takes 6 months to know for sure if you have an STD. I know because I'm in the process of finding out if I got one from my last encounter. So if you suspect at all that he's cheating on you, keep that in mind."
posted at 18:46:28 on August 4, 2011 by dstanley
RE: ADHD and addiction    
"You CANNOT "get" ADD/ADHD from an addiction. It is something you have as a child. It NEVER comes later in life. I got diagnosed later in life, but had the symptoms as a child.

Also, ADHD CAN make you forget to mention to your spouse that you did _____. Now, my guess is that he's using his diagnosis of ADHD as a crutch to "explain" why he forgot. He may very well be out right lying because of the pull of addiction and his negative decisions. But, I just want to emphasize that as a person with ADHD, I've been known (sometimes too often) to forget to tell my husband things he should know about.

There's differing degrees of ADHD. For some, it's mild forgetfulness, for others, it's excessive. Also, there is impulsiveness and a whole other slew of things. You never "get over" ADHD. You can learn how to deal with it, but the symptoms are still there every single day.

(I'm getting off my soapbox now. LOL. I've learned a lot about ADHD and of course have life experience, along with a child(ren) with it.)"
posted at 19:45:27 on August 4, 2011 by confidence
Good point Confidence..    
"I didnt mean to demean ADHD. Im pointing out that I had a diagnosis for ADHD as an adult. The feelings of forgetfulness, anxiety, extreme multi-tasking but getting nothing done have subsided. I've always had some of these symptoms but they got unbearable for me as an adult. As I got into recovery, the symptoms havent been as bad.

My theory is that that addiction made the symptoms worse or simulated the symptoms of adhd.

thats my milk carton"
posted at 21:41:26 on August 4, 2011 by Hurtallover
Decisions    
"An addict will always choose their addiction over everything else. That is the nature of addiction.

If your husband is unwilling to do anything to make things better then you have two choices; stay with him and he will continue down this path even further or you can leave him. I think he has emotionally left already, he is probably just too afraid to go for a divorce.

Those are my thoughts, do with them what you will."
posted at 22:10:28 on August 4, 2011 by blindman
...with the exception of those that recover    
"."
posted at 22:58:56 on August 4, 2011 by Anonymous
differences    
"That is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery"
posted at 23:52:53 on August 4, 2011 by Anonymous
ADHD and sin    
"When you sin, you don't forget. Never heard of an addict IN real active recovery forgetting to tell a spouse about a slip. And removing a filter is a slip. When you want real recovery, you learn about true honesty. No if's, and's. or but's!

Pray for him, but get to work on your life, so that you can heal. I did not understand this as I use to monitor my husband in fear that he was slipping. I use to play the "what if" game. Now I don't. I monitor me, my fear and my actions.

If he wants change and he wants recovery and healing as much as he wants air or food, then he will monitor himself and confess anything you might question (sometimes before you even think to question it).

Work on you and work the steps, really work them like your life depends on it, because it does. Your healing will come and you will be in a better position for Heavenly Father to guide your path. Give your husband to God and trust him to help your husband. He knows what is happening, he knows the truth, and he will do all that is needed. He is aware and he works in your husband's life, even if you can't see it. He's your God, and he is perfect!

It seems so hard, but it is so simple. Let go and let God. It really works."
posted at 00:08:25 on August 5, 2011 by Anonymous
Yes    
"My Husband has given up porn. It has been a year, and I know he has because of his actions. I see him in his scriptures and recovery work daily. He is always looking to serve me, his kids, and just about anyone who needs help. I see him answer promptings to help another. I see him opening himself to a friend in need. I see him attending the Temple no less than once a week, and I see him listening to music and reading only things that will lead him to Christ.

He never talks about how good he is and how he has not slipped. He does struggle. I see that too. I know he suffers from the temptations. But I know he is on the path to healing, because his actions and behavior show me a man who now loves his wife and family more than he loves his addiction. "
posted at 00:20:13 on August 5, 2011 by Anonymous
Hurtallover    
"So... online posting is one of those things I worry about how I come off. :) I hope you know that while I was commenting on your comment, I wasn't meaning to sound like I was attacking you. I hope you know I mean the best. I guess since my diagnosis a year ago, and my 9 yr dd's a couple of years ago, I get a bit "protective" in the area of ADHD.

I think many natural chemical and mental illnesses can exacerbate the problem or get harder to manage. Depression is an easy one as it's directly (basically) in the addiction cycle.

*Sorry, a bit OT.*"
posted at 01:55:52 on August 5, 2011 by confidence
Counselor/therapist recommendation    
"If you're in the SLC area, I highly recommend Dan Gray or any of the Lifestar therapists. Dan and others in Lifestar specialize in porn addiction recovery and have a whole program designed around it (see link below). I highly recommend it. Victor Cline and other experts in helping addicts recover say recovery will almost never happen without working with (1) a therapist, (2) a bishop/religious leader and (3) a support group, usually 12-step.

http://lifestarnetwork.org/"
posted at 13:04:38 on August 5, 2011 by Anonymous
Email me    
"Hey just email me. Anytime- faithofalady@hotmail.com

Much love!!!"
posted at 23:17:49 on August 5, 2011 by Faith21


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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006