By confidence
7/28/2011 1:35:31 AM
I need it. He's refusing it and telling me that I'm making him feel so awful every time I experience grief about the SA and how our life has lost so much due to the SA.

Luckily, we did start the Lifestar program and HE CAME & PARTICIPATED. So, that validates his direction to recovery a bit. I wish I could say I've SEEN more. Lots of things said, or said and taken back, but it's hard to see the things he's DOING.

I told him that I watched the recently purchased video, "Healing a Relationship Damaged by Pornography - Geoff Steurer" and was feeling sad that he didn't see that how I was acting was natural and even healthy. That I wasn't out to get him and make him feel more guilt and shame. He was angry and we parted ways on the phone while waiting for him to make the drive from work to home.

He DID watch it with me tonight. Didn't say a word afterwards. That was a let down. But, he DID watch it and chose NOT to say anything negative. Ok, good. Better than yelling, I guess?

Personal validation: it is ok that I'm so hurt by his SA. It's ok that sometimes I share my feelings with him. I'm healthy for trying to reach out to him as a strong attachment. It's ok that I feel crazy and confused. It's ok, again, to share my feelings with him (or even others).


posted at 07:09:10 on July 28, 2011 by Anonymous
Absolutely yes....    
"Although he has to work HIS recovery at HIS pace...not yours."
posted at 08:49:48 on July 28, 2011 by chefdalet
"This is so helpful in recovery for the spouse. Yes feel your feelings. Do not stuff them. But try to set a time maybe once a week that you talk about recovery and SA with spouse. Find a sponsor or two from your recovery group that has been in the program and exhibit recovery. Get a throw away journal that you will never show ANYONE and write all the ugly stuff you want to say and do. Vomit on paper!!!!"
posted at 09:14:27 on July 28, 2011 by Hero
"I find that when I need validation the most is because I am feeling vulnerable. Those are the times that I need to find myself in deep prayer. No matter how much I want my husband to empathize or validate my feelings....he can't. He has no idea what I am feeling. He doesn't know or understand what this kind of betrayal and trauma feels like. But Jesus does. He knows. When I got to Him I find real validation and even more than that...I find forward motion.

Good for you, for all that you are doing. Keep working your recovery and your understand of addiction and it's effects on you, your husband and your marriage. Like Chefdalet said just make sure you are working your recovery and not trying to work your husband's for him or tying your recovery to your husband. You are doing great. Keep going!"
posted at 09:45:18 on July 28, 2011 by maddy

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987