Honest opinion needed
By faith21
7/25/2011 1:22:12 PM
So for all those addicts out there or spouses or anyone that has dealt with porn addiction I have a question for you-

*Is it possible to over come addiction on your own, without bishops help, or a program like this?


"Not for my husband. He's been fighting it for 11 years on his own. Confessed (through my finding out) to the Bishop once - but it was not anywhere near the truth. And went right back to it after a month or so.

This time around has started the group and has seen the Bishop 3 times now. So far, sober from p/mb.

We have so much more to go though. We will start Lifestar soon as our relationship is in shambles.

I would NEVER do it alone. NEVER. It's a waste of your (and those affected) time and life. This is like cancer. There is no way you can help cancer go away unless you have medical intervention. You may be able to use natural remedies to help it a little, but to rid yourself of it, you need pros. A porn addiction is pretty close to the same thing. it will build and get worse even with a little bit of your own intervention."
posted at 13:30:06 on July 25, 2011 by Anonymous
"I do not know of one single success story where someone has done it alone. I know lots and lots of stories of people who try it alone. They are either still addicted or eventually start getting help."
posted at 13:45:37 on July 25, 2011 by maddy
Not at all    
"All the material & books on porn addiction state that success is nearly impossible without help. The Church knows this and they have put together the ARP programs. It is inspired. The Lord knows that addicts need more than just praying and reading the scriptures. Most of those that stop cold turkey usually relapse, now the relapse can take years. But it almost always happens. That is because, there is more to a porn addiction than just porn, there are so many underlying issues that need to be treated otherwise the person relapses or just switches addiction. It is common for an addict to believe that they can do this alone, they want to keep it as secret as possible. But addiction only strives in secrecy. They often have to hit rock botom (lose everything or on the verge off losing it all), I would say they often have to be compelled before they seek help.
Good luck"
posted at 18:15:44 on July 25, 2011 by crushed
I agree!    
"I hope you are seeking healing for your self. You need to work on you first. Let God handle the addict. You have every right to set a boundary around recovery. Active recovery work. Do not tell him what to do. Just set your boundary that you need to see him seeking recovery. He is a big BOY. If he wants it hw will figure it out. I bet when he wants anything else he know how to research it. New cars, new computers, new hobbies? You need to feel safe. And if you need to see recovery actions, you have every right to require it.

Every recovery book every RECOVERY blog testifies of a 12 step program, sponsor, therapist, this is more than abstinence."
posted at 18:42:52 on July 25, 2011 by Hero
I didn't find relief until I came forward    
"I tried everything. Nothing worked. You have to come forward. The addiction will continue to thrive in secret. The only way this addiction is overcome is by connect emotionally and becoming honest."
posted at 20:03:19 on July 25, 2011 by jblackb
Doing it alone is like...    
"Thinking he can jump off jump off the cliffs of Dover and soar into the clouds while you and the rest of the onlookers sit in amazement... Im-bloody-possible!!

Tell the guy to get his head out of the clouds and realize he is not a super human species like we all fool ourselves into thinking.

Thats about it for me."
posted at 20:36:37 on July 25, 2011 by ruggaexpat
"My hubby tried the do it yourself plan for 20 years. It was not until he found 12 steps and a great therapist, and most importantly his Savior Jesus Christ, that he was able to not only stay clean, but to heall his broken soul.

You need a teem to overcome this for sure. We were never meant to do it alone. The addict in your husband is saying something like, " I don't need outside help", right? That is a way to keep the addiction in the dark, which is exactly where Satan wants it. If he can stay in the darkness, he can stay sick. And you are only as sick as your secrets. "
posted at 00:58:02 on July 26, 2011 by Anonymous
we've all tried to do it on our own....    
"And failed..

I suppose we will never know if someone did it on their own... They didnt need help and didnt tell anyone about it. :-) However, the definition of addiction is the inability to quit on your own.

The insanity of addiction is that we all thought we could do it on our own. I KNEW I could do it on my own. Knew it. Knew it! When I fell, I would rationalize "well, its not time yet"..

You can pray hard. use will power. yoga. scripture study. mantras. whatever. You will keep slipping. Addiction is insanity. That's why the first step of all 12 step programs is to state that you are "powerless" over the addiction. Yes you still had your free agency to make bad choices.. But you were powerless to quit on your own. It's a statement required to admit to yourself.. "I can't do it alone". As soon as you can do that to yourself, you are finally humble(teachable) enough to start beating the habit.

That being said, not all bishops are equipped to help you with an addiction. They are called to be a judge to determine worthiness. Sometimes you get lucky. If you really want to follow the 12 steps, you dont have to disclose to the bishop until you are on step 5. (Im sure I will get some disagreement on that).

If you want to get better, you have to want it enough to get over the fear of telling another human being that you can trust. For some people thats the bishop. For some people, thats a 12 step group member. For some people a close sibling, parent, friend. You need people that are willing to talk frankly with you.. How are you doing? Have you been close to slipping? What were you feeling that caused you to slip.

I would suggest a few people so that when you are feeling tempted, you can call someone - this is your accountability team.

If you are serious about stopping, I would suggest attending 12 step meetings afew times per week. It's scary at first. You may need to force yourself to go a bunch of times before the fear leaves. Dont worry, these are the least judgmental people on the planet! there are lots of 12 step groups -- LDS Addiction recovery, Sex addictions anonymous, sexaholics, sex and love addictions.. just pick one. There are people from all ages there teens to 75 yrs old.

Figure out what causes your triggers.. You dont just act out. It's caused by some emotional trigger -- boredom, mommy problems, stress, whatever. You have to dig deep and find source of those feelings and learn to short circuit the feelings before it turns into acting out.

follow the other steps.. endure to the end... Easy right?

good luck.. it's worth it.. I have 130 dayish of sobriety. It's amazing.

posted at 09:29:41 on July 26, 2011 by Hurtallover
Thank you    
"After all these years- I have always known that was the answer. However I never felt like I had the right to assume that he couldn't. In a vary sad way- I wanted to believe that things were getting better. Its just a way to not have to deal with it.
I figured if I asked and got this kind of a response- I would finally be ok with admitting to myself that he is once again lying to me.
Thank you everyone. Your advice and concern means the world to me."
posted at 11:55:20 on July 26, 2011 by faith21
"I think it'd be safe to say that we all relate to your position in this and that others *do* mean the world to "us" spouses of a SA. Many many hugs and prayers."
posted at 15:13:53 on July 26, 2011 by confidence
Is he lying?    
"You can't guarantee that. But recovery is impossible without help.

On the lighter side, there is a joke. How can you tell if an addict is lying?

(His lips are moving)"
posted at 15:59:17 on July 26, 2011 by lawrence
I thought that was "lawyers" :)    
"The real question is "Is he an addict"? If he has an addiction, then all of the above comments apply. If he is not an addict, it would be completely in the realm of possibility to quit without a program. It's not really for us to say whether he is or is not. You can make an educated guess at whether he is. We aren't supposed to determine whether someone else is or not, but when you are talking about your own spouse, it is only prudent to make a judgment call to protect yourself. I just want to make sure you are not jumping the gun on assuming your spouse is an addict. Actions and behaviors speak louder than any words. If he is lying it is only a matter of time before it is exposed. If he appears to be doing well, why not give him the benefit of the doubt?

I haven't gone back and read any of your past posts so I don't know your situation."
posted at 16:25:44 on July 26, 2011 by Anonymous
My comments probably not needed at this point.....    
"I was touched, as we all were by your simple question much wisdom in this wonderful group. Trying to get my wife on here to add her two cents. By the grace of god she has endured 26 of my 35+ years as an addict. I spent years living my secret life of shame until i couldnt stand it any longer, and thought i would lose her. I started working the steps and educating myself. 630 days of sobriety later, we have felt the hand if the Lord in our (my) recovery. It wasnt at all easy. But at the end of the lighted tunnel you will both discover a love that is strong enough to endure any trial, and deep enough to be blow your mind. Look forward to hearing more from you."
posted at 22:21:41 on July 26, 2011 by chefdalet

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

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General Conference October 2006