By confidence
7/20/2011 9:49:49 PM
Well, today all my husband kept on saying through texts and on the phone while at his work was that he was having a mid-life crisis (he's in his early 30s lol) and that stress and anger are getting to him. He said he's having dark and angry thoughts... but is trying to be ok.

Awh ok. *Deep breath*

So, he's at group for the 4th time (he's been sober almost 1 month) right now and will get home w/in the next 30 mins or so.

Anyway, guys and gals - I have been GREAT! Really, I feel like I'm just following Heavenly Father's lead 85-90+% of the time. And if I screw up, I try really hard to make it up right away. But... I'm feeling the weight more and more. It makes it worse that he's saying (and getting) more depressed and angry. I hate hate hate the anger. The angry guy is the sad porn guy that says and does mean things. We have a lovely hole above our bed from a couple months ago from his head. Ok, so tangent.

I'm just venting and praying (can you do that at the same time? lol) that he can work through this. More importantly, that I can hang on for the ride. Cause many times I've been close to being done. But, then I think about what kind of person I am and come back to listening to Heavenly Father's guidance.

Prayers please!!! :)


prayers it is!    
"I remember being there. I didnt want this to define who i was, but i didnt have enough sobriety to know for sure there was a way out. My wife still carried the anger, but our emotional outbursts were becoming further and further apart. Hang in there. There IS light at the end of this tunnel that will be oh so sweet for BOTH of you."
posted at 00:41:29 on July 21, 2011 by chefdalet
Needs Therapy    
"Based on my own experience, he sounds very depressed. With anger issues as well, I think he really needs therapy to work through and heal the depression, anger, anxiety and other issues. The addiction may be an externalization of his other problems. That's how men deal with depression. I'm a guy, but if this were me, I would make therapy a requirement for staying together (not just for you but for the children). There are some serious issues here and it's not all related to pornography. I'm not trying to judge your situation, but I've been through this myself. Terrence Real's book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" opened the gates for me. It might be time to start hacking at the root of the tree rather than the branches."
posted at 09:33:49 on July 21, 2011 by Anonymous
"So how does a spouse present that in a loving way while making it a clear boundary? I've heard forced therapy is a bad idea. Although, he's a talkative guy, and he talked often when we've been in couples therapy in the past, so I know it *could* go somewhere fir him. Also, my concern would be that he quits because he sees therapy as mostly a crutch."
posted at 09:44:54 on July 21, 2011 by Confidence
Good Question    
"I'll defer to the spouses that have been able to do that. I just feel strongly that your integrity needs to stand up and say "this s*$% is going to stop." Anger and violence in any form (emotional, physical, etc.) should not be tolerated. Non-negotiable. I grew up in a home where my mom constantly yelled, screamed, called names, shamed, etc. I am almost more angry at my dad for not standing up with his integrity and saying either you get help, medication, meditation, whatever, or I'm ending this and gettiing the kids to safety. I feel pretty strongly about it because I lived it and I know it has been some of the reason I seek solace in addiction (but not anymore!). Putting his head through the wall?"
posted at 10:09:54 on July 21, 2011 by Anonymous
"The best way in my opinion is to get therapy for yourself and invite him along. Just go. If and when he is ready, he'll come along. (Said as I get ready to go to my therapy appointment alone...)"
posted at 10:58:59 on July 21, 2011 by maddy
To the anonymous above,    
"You said you weren't trying to judge her situation and then proceeded to do just that. You have no idea what issues are involved or if therapy is needed. You are guessing and instead of comforting coincidence in an encouraging moment in her healing, you created even more worry.

He is obviously doing WELL in seeking out help in ARP. It doesn't seem wise to suddenly throw the therapy thing at him."
posted at 13:33:46 on July 21, 2011 by Anonymous
That was me    
"My apologies if that was taken the wrong way--it certainly was intended as only advice to the extent it relates to reality. Some of my comments relate to what I've read in some of Confidence's previous posts about the anger/abuse issues. Perhaps it is nothing like my situation was. My dad could have and should have done something. Even being separated from my mother, at times, would have been better than the angry emotional and verbal abuse over many years. Do whatever you think is right for your children and only you know the full situation."
posted at 15:02:24 on July 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Thanks for your apology.    
"And I apologize for my accusatory post."
posted at 15:55:31 on July 21, 2011 by Anonymous
Could be withdrawal.    
"A therapist can help identify and give tools to deal with the symptoms of withdrawal. This is addiction and I do not know of any addiction that does not have withdrawal symptoms.

posted at 01:29:27 on July 22, 2011 by Anonymous
Have you noticed...    
"that if you break down the word therapist into two words, you get "the rapist"? Please don't read anything into this. :P"
posted at 02:29:00 on July 22, 2011 by Anonymous

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"If it were possible to make your road very easy, you wouldn’t grow in strength. If you were always forgiven for every mistake without effort on your part, you would never receive the blessings of repentance. If everything were done for you, you wouldn’t learn how to work, or gain self-confidence, or acquire the power to change. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990