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I think I screwed up?
By ConfidenceIn
7/10/2011 8:23:12 PM
So, my husband (the SA) went to see the Bishop today. I had made an appt after him because the Bishop asked me to go in 2 weeks later because I shared my challenges with mb every couple of months throughout my husband's and I's marriage. He was checking in with me with that, and also just a general check in about my husband and I.

Anyway, before the appt (basically most of the day), I've had an "off" day. Just distant and avoiding thinking of reality. I just think it's a nightmare sometimes - literally a nightmare that I KNOW I will wake up and all will be fine. It's just felt surreal to me.

So, he's been telling me that he understands, and he's apologized for the porn thing multiple times. I'm just numb to his words though. Not in a revengeful way, but I just really honestly feel like I don't care, and I'm so alone inside. I don't know, just empty of any feeling, I guess. I think my body/mind is protecting myself from too much to take in all at once?

After our appts (we switched off caring for our kids), my husband could still tell I was way off. He told me that he could tell I was mad and to feel comfortable sharing what I was feeling; that I needed to let it out. So, I did. I told him how I regretted marrying someone with an anger problem, abusive words, and now a porn addiction (that he got into after we were married). How I felt like I'd invested so much spiritually to Heavenly Father, and got a minimal return (my eternal companion).

I also went on to tell him that I felt stupid for not waiting to see if this other guy I knew in High School (that still is not married) would propose to me. I continued on and told him how I would never know if this other guy would not get into a sex addiction, but I knew he would not yell or tear me down as my husband has over 11 years.

Needless to say, I told ALL. I didn't feel bad afterwards. Not one bit. I still felt numb, but also a little bit peaceful because I'd let out that dark hidden "secret" thought(s) I've kept all those years.

BTW, he still responded lovingly. The only thing that did happen is that he told me that he wishes I had a better husband than himself. :-S

So.... am I totally being co-dependent and messing things up worse? Or, was this good to be true to my feelings and tell him?

*As always, I like addicts and co-addicts to respond.

Comments:

Boundaries,    
"I hate to beat a dead horse but it really is an important horse. There seems to be a blatant lack of boundaries in your relationship. Your husband is abusive and you are abusive back. I don't like to give advice but since you asked, I think you both really need to get into some counseling to learn how to stop hurting eachother. A good counselor can help you set up some healthy boundaries and learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't annihilate the other. He should NEVER lay his hands on you in anger and I imagine there are some things in your corner, as well. For instance, that tidbit about your highschool boyfriend was crossing a line in my book. Not to worry. BOUNDARIES!

One last thing, I will just throw this out there. Confidencein, you are a little unique to me in that I relate to a lot of what you say on an addict level. Are you sure you are not a closet addict? It's probably just me but why not read the ARP manual and see if you can relate to any of it. Some of us are on both sides of the aisle. I get the feeling you are fighting the urges to act out a lot and that is no way to live. There is a solution. If this doesn't apply, please disregard. Take care."
posted at 22:02:41 on July 10, 2011 by Anonymous
I have this feeling too    
"I am a co dependent, but I have read a lot on addiction. It seems to me you might also be an addict. If you are struggling with M&B, I think you are. And you may be using your husband's addiction as an excuse or justification for your own behavior. Your husband might have an addiction more blatant than yours, but there are different ways of being addicted. Being an addict does not mean we are bad people, it only means we have faulty coping skills and we need help to change. You and him both need professional help, like most of us, and I would strongly encourage you both to go and start your healing journey so you can have the life you deserve."
posted at 15:40:41 on July 11, 2011 by Anonymous
This is ConfidenceIn    
"I sure wish I could use my old log-in... Anyway, this is still me.

I need to say that this mb thing would happen about every 2 months or so. And to be blatantly honest, it's not the common mb, but I still call it mb because I do it to "get there."

So, the mb is happening about 6 times in a year. I have been free of it for oh, 4 months now.

So, would you still think I'm a SA? I'm so confused. I totally feel it would happen because of all the self-doubt and strong opinions my husband shared with me about how I wasn't adding up to what he wanted.

I KNOW I'm most definitely co-dependent though. I'm blogging about that later.

I appreciate your concerns, and now would like your responses again. Thanks"
posted at 16:54:10 on July 11, 2011 by Confidence
This is ConfidenceIn    
"I sure wish I could use my old log-in... Anyway, this is still me.

I need to say that this mb thing would happen about every 2 months or so. And to be blatantly honest, it's not the common mb, but I still call it mb because I do it to "get there."

So, the mb is happening about 6 times in a year. I have been free of it for oh, 4 months now.

So, would you still think I'm a SA? I'm so confused. I totally feel it would happen because of all the self-doubt and strong opinions my husband shared with me about how I wasn't adding up to what he wanted.

I KNOW I'm most definitely co-dependent though. I'm blogging about that later.

I appreciate your concerns, and now would like your responses again. Thanks"
posted at 16:54:11 on July 11, 2011 by Confidence
Sex addict Test    
"Confidence, I to have been denied access to my log ins and to my own comments. I find it interesting that when anyone brings up controversial ideas or challenges some addicts on their behaviors that some of those members past posts become inaccessible and also your own log in becomes inaccessible. Just move on. You are doing great. Keep posting no matter how many new log ins you have to create. It seems to be the frustrated effort of a few to discourage and control. Addictive behaviors. Below is a test that was sent out in a weekly newsletter by an authority on sexual addiction.

To the anon posters above, we need to be careful of our accusations to others. It is best to keep your personal experiences as references.

Here is a simple test. You can find out for yourself. You can also discuss your issue with your infrequent MB brought on by your confusion of being married to a SA, with your Heavenly Father. He will let you know. Honestly He will let you know.

The Sex Addict Test
1. Have you had sexual behaviors that you wish you could stop?
2. Do you feel abnormally driven by your sexual drive?
3. Have you been in relationships just for sex?
4. Has masturbation been ongoing even after marriage?
5. Has pornography continued for you after a long term committed sexual relationship?
6. Does your sexuality seem to be dragging down your personal potential?
7. Do you find that you spend a significant amount of time online, viewing pornography or grooming others for sexual encounters?
8. Have you experienced an unwanted sexual encounter during childhood or adolescence?
9. Has monogamous sex grown to be boring?
To score yourself give yourself one point for each yes and read the below recommendations
1-3 points:
It does not seem that you are presently an active sexual addict. If your concern continues, get more information on sexual addiction.
4-6 points:
It seems that you may be struggling in the area of sexual addiction. Your first step would be to gather further information. Find a 12 Step Group to attend. Find counselor who has experience in dealing with sexual addiction.
7-9 points:
You are probably sexually addicted. It's recommended that: 1. Get more information. 2. Go to a support group as soon as possible. 3. Seek professional help.

Hope this helps. This is a common question that many spouse begin to ask themselves because of the craziness they have been living with. As you go through the healing process of the effects of living with a SA you will see your confusion dissipate.

Love and Prayers,
byourownhero"
posted at 17:17:27 on July 11, 2011 by Hero
Hero,    
"You're absolutely right. Sorry about that confidencein. We can only decide for ourselves whether we have an addiction.

Thanks for that questionaire. I was looking for the one that I had but I wasn't at home."
posted at 17:39:37 on July 11, 2011 by Anonymous
Thoughts    
"Yeah, I'm 1 or 2 points on that quiz. I feel "abnormally driven" (but I really think it has to do with the SA and me being co-dependent), and this wasn't a question, but I did have a problem with it when I was a kid and HONESTLY had NO idea it was masturbation, as that was not something my parents talked to me about (NOT my approach to my kids though). I did *feel* it was wrong though, which I'm glad I recognized that. I stopped somewhere between high school grad and getting married.

Anon (which one are you? #1 or 2?): I appreciate you coming back to comment. As you probably can relate, since I'm co-dependent, I freak out when someone says I'm doing something wrong I had no idea about. LOL But, I've been taking deep breaths!

Hero: I haven't been very good at prayer. Normally, I wouldn't be. But, again, I feel like I'm not really in my body, and if I was, I can't lift a finger or raise my voice to call 911 Heaven.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to do so even if I don't feel strong enough or ok enough to do so. I guess it's basically Satan preventing that from happening. Dang Satan. I'm not going to be duped right now!"
posted at 18:06:13 on July 11, 2011 by Confidence1
Thoughts    
"Yeah, I'm 1 or 2 points on that quiz. I feel "abnormally driven" (but I really think it has to do with the SA and me being co-dependent), and this wasn't a question, but I did have a problem with it when I was a kid and HONESTLY had NO idea it was masturbation, as that was not something my parents talked to me about (NOT my approach to my kids though). I did *feel* it was wrong though, which I'm glad I recognized that. I stopped somewhere between high school grad and getting married.

Anon (which one are you? #1 or 2?): I appreciate you coming back to comment. As you probably can relate, since I'm co-dependent, I freak out when someone says I'm doing something wrong I had no idea about. LOL But, I've been taking deep breaths!

Hero: I haven't been very good at prayer. Normally, I wouldn't be. But, again, I feel like I'm not really in my body, and if I was, I can't lift a finger or raise my voice to call 911 Heaven.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to do so even if I don't feel strong enough or ok enough to do so. I guess it's basically Satan preventing that from happening. Dang Satan. I'm not going to be duped right now!"
posted at 18:06:55 on July 11, 2011 by Confidence1
Forgot to add!    
"I forgot to add that last night/yesterday, I bawled like a baby to him and said I was sorry I shared all of that. I felt just awful that he told me to share, I *really* shared, and then I didn't care that I'd shared such tough things. And then he didn't fight or get mad at me.

in fact, he kept saying that, "Whatever you do that is wrong is so little compared to what I've done to you." I'm not sure how I feel about that. I told him that it was no competition, and I still should not have disclosed all of that.

Your thoughts???"
posted at 18:09:47 on July 11, 2011 by Confidence1
THE BEST BOOK ON BOUNDARIES    
"Save yourself some counseling and read & follow the book "The New Rules of Marriage" by Terrence Real. It was the text for a relationship class my wife and I took from a marriage counselor. The book talks a lot about boundaries, full respect living, having a marriage/family free of any form of violence/abuse (both physical and emotional), etc.

There is NO place in any marriage or family for physical or emotional abuse. If it's happening, you need to throw down an ultimatum that if it doesn't stop you are leaving with the kids. No one should be subjected to physical or emotional violence."
posted at 18:34:46 on July 11, 2011 by Anonymous


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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990