Print
My son is back at day 1
By momof6sons
7/10/2011 6:14:46 PM
I am brand new here - I am impressed at the understanding and support that is available as well. I was wondering what we do as family members for a child who is imprisoned with a MB habit. He has been struggling for several years and I have been trying to "fix" him, but I know it is not going to end until he takes the steps to commit to the healing that needs to take place. I guess I am looking for a road map that I can help him with. I insisted this week that the LDS s.xual addiction support group be part of his weeky plan. He has never gone before even though the bishop has urged his attendance. What can you tell me to help me be the best mom for him that I can be right now?
He was exactly 1 month clean when the latest episode occured this week.

Comments:

Take care of you and he take care of himself    
"This site is full of the addict and spouse relationship and in most cases the loved one has to overcome codependency.

Find out if you exhibit some of these behaviours.
You son has to have your support but honestly I am not sure what that entails as a healthy balance. I wish a sister by the name of Angel was still around, she may be a perfect help on this matter with siblings.

I think your prayers and ability to teach him to take responsibility for his choices will do much good. At a certain point you cannot do anything, other than point him in the right direction."
posted at 20:10:14 on July 10, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Boundaries...    
"there has been alot of talk about boundaries on this site.You could try that. I think there is a fine line about this as I being the addict wouldn't want something that severly punishes me for acting outbut something that saids thisbehaviour is wrong I know it is way difficult to overcome this but u need to do something to help urself so here is some motivation"
posted at 23:25:18 on July 10, 2011 by Joshua
How old is he?    
"."
posted at 23:46:37 on July 10, 2011 by Anonymous
Momof6    
"Not sure how old your son is? But download the spouse family support manual on the left of this screen. This will help you understand your position and how you are powerless over his addiction. Boundaries! Yes! Read then come back with more questions. Also read Dr. Hilton book. He Restoreth My Soul,. Combatingpornography.org has valuable resources listed there. Have your son read Hilton's book also. Another good resource is D. Weiss.

There is a new program in ARP. Healing Through Christ, Family Support Manual, call your Family Services and ask about it.

But do come here and ask questions. There are many who have experiences that may help.

Another good resource for mothers, Let's Talk About The Elephant In The Room, Jill Manning.

Hope this is helpful."
posted at 00:26:52 on July 11, 2011 by Hero
Does he tell you when he slips?    
"As a SA, I tried to keep my mb habits secret -- especially from my mother. Does he disclose to you? A few people already commented on healthy support. My sponsor is fond of saying.. you cant fix them.. You can only fix yourself and support them. I wonder outloud if even attempting to detect him would be co-dependency/rescuer behavior. I'm not even sure where boundaries would be in this case especially if there is no porn.

It's obivous that it's potentially bvdangerous behavior.. He will need to identify that himself. Hopefully some books around the house can help."
posted at 23:25:29 on July 11, 2011 by Hurtallover
My opinion    
"Let him know that he is loved. Don't pressure him in to anything, simply let him know what resources are available. Find out the time and place of a few meetings he can pick from, if there are multiple meetings available. Encourage him, but don't be pushy, and just love him. Don't let him think that your love for him depends on him going to these meetings or even on him stopping the mb. Maybe someone could go with him to the meetings, a brother, father?"
posted at 00:40:49 on July 12, 2011 by blindman
He sounds very trusting....    
"As mentioned, it sounds like you may be on the right track. If he trusts you enough to tell you each time he slips, all I can say is wow....Continue to love him unconditionally. Give him a safe place to talk. Help him work through the issues that lead to his slips. You are a great mom!"
posted at 08:31:02 on July 12, 2011 by chefdalet
one word    
"What a glorious moment in my life (some may think otherwise) a week ago when my 16 year old son came in and said, "mom, dad, I am struggling right now with masturbation". If only I would have been able to trust my parents like that, at that age.

I was a bit baffled how parents can help with such a deeply personal issue. Heavenly Father helped us know a couple of things we could do:

get his consent on all things we wish to do to "help" him
get up early in the morning and go on a walk together
gave him a 12 step manual and have a daily meetings after our walk
talk about this NEVER except in the safe environment of our meetings

Also, I often feel inspired to NOT mention it to him, only but once a week or so, and even then, with his advance-consent. "Do you feel comfortable if I ask you how you are doing, say, every Sunday?" This makes him feel safe, and in the past he has even come to me right away after falling down. It really helps him to get back up quickly.

I also never would have thought I could ever do this, but the Savior inspired me to. It may not be the right thing for you. When he said he was struggling with masturbation, and the last time was last Wednesday, I said I struggle too, son. Mine was Thursday. I had a bishop as a youth that said something to the effect of, "Don't worry too much about it, Loren. Most everyone struggles with it. I did. Don't make a huge deal out of it. The Lord will help you rid yourself of this someday, He did with me." I was so impressed with his honesty.

I have one fear as I "hear" your tone, Mother of 6 Sons, and that is a need to control, or in other words a serious codependency. Forgive me if that is not the case. If it is, get help. Go to meetings. Let go of the boy's problem; it is not yours. Your behaviors can certainly worsen his addiction, and some serious parental-child upbringing damage can be done that can only be undone by counseling (probably many years in the future). We should definitely talk about sex with our kids, but we can go overboard when it becomes personal. My mother was completely overboard. Stuff I NEVER wanted to hear.

But, I also wouldn't worry or obsess too much about that one, either. Sorry for the lightheartedness, but we are ALL messed up by our parents, but is wasn't their fault because they were messed up by THEIR parents. Naturally, we will in turn mess up our kids.

Loren"
posted at 14:14:45 on July 13, 2011 by lawrence
Be a friend with boundries.    
"Don't push but don't just let things go either. Its hard to find the right balance of it all.
I think giving your son the information he needs (12 step program, bishop, blessings, prayers, etc.) will give him some space. I know that the initial reaction is to be upset and just want them to stop. You don't get why they can't. I handled everything with my husband the wrong way. And it closed a lot of doors for me. And even after years and years- they aren't back open.
Maybe having a weekly fast with your son would help him to know that you care and that you want to help- but that he has to do it with the Lord's help. I forced my husband to therapy and found out years later- he lied to the therapist. Never told of his addiction or anything.
Its hard as loved ones to "help" and watch them endure the addictions.
Much love!!"
posted at 01:09:18 on August 3, 2011 by Faith21
Gosh I almost threw up reading this    
"I don't think motherof6 realized how much guilt and strange pressure she gave to her son. Maybe she does now but wow I feel bad for the kid. This shouldn't have been a familt discussion and all that. I think it wouldve been best for this to be talked about with the dad and son. He mustve been so emberresed, gosh that whole thing had to have done more damage than fixing.

hope he's doing ok. -moronidenovo"
posted at 02:48:59 on May 11, 2012 by Anonymous
The trap of shame    
"I don't know if anyone is still reading this who could be effected by it, but if there are moms or other loved ones that think that by talking to their addict that they are damaging them, I hope they understand that is simply not true. Supportive parents have been shown over and over again to help young people in recovery, regardless of whether they are the mom or the dad.

We can negatively impact our loved ones with codependent behavior, but as we walk our own road of recovery as a support person, it is important to understand that perpetuating lies and refusing to talk about the 'elephant in the room' will not help our loved one either. Set boundaries. Respect theirs. Follow the Spirit. But don't be reactive or live in fear either.

Moronidenovo - you are young and good for you for tackling this problem at such a young age. I am going to try and say something to you that you may or may not be ready to consider, but you are of course free to take it or leave it. It may be hard for you to consider because it will take a lot of courage to think about it and not simply become insulted by it.

Your post projects shame onto the support person. This is a classic coping tool of an addict. Blame and defensiveness are snares that keep addicts as addicts. Your comment probably will not hurt Momof6 because I don't see her on here anymore (though I wanted to respond for any other people who might be influenced by it)... but they reflect a part of addiction that is probably hurting you.

The 12 steps deal with this directly and I believe that you will come to it and overcome it as you walk the paths of recovery.

You have only my best wishes."
posted at 07:23:59 on May 11, 2012 by maddy
You are only as sick as your secrets...    
"This is great that your son was willing to talk with you about this. I remember when I confessed to my mother and step-father. It was very shameful and it did hurt, (although they never hurt me, they love me.) but you are only as sick as your secrets, without there help I would not have been able to stop. If you can confess to your parents, it is much easer to be honest with your Bishop, the Lord, and yourself. It did hurt, but repentance can hurt, and confession helps, I know it to be true.

Momof6sons... Please love your son, the devil will try a million times to tell him that he is dirty, unworthy, evil, disgusting, uncontrollable, unsavable, (that he can not stop) and that there is no hope... That is all a bunch of lies... It will be a difficult for him... Always take time to let him know that you love him, and that you do not hate him for his problems. (and never will)"
posted at 08:31:14 on May 11, 2012 by Gondor44646
And...    
"I felt better after confessing too. ((having hope and trust in my parents that they could understand and help...))"
posted at 08:37:24 on May 11, 2012 by Gondor44646


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005