Spiritual shrew instead of giant
By ConfidenceIn
7/7/2011 7:41:12 AM
So, instead of my hubby feeling the spirit through his recovery, he feels emptiness. I told him I believe it's because he's shadowed out the Holy Ghost so many times. He's struggling more because he feels like if/when he feels the spirit, it's just "a glimmer."

This makes me more devastated. I'm NOT surprised in the very least. But, I'm feeling more lost as not only did I lose my husband to lust and pornography, not only did he lose his fidelity to these images countless times, not only did he spit out all the countless and mounting lies, but I've now realized that he's lost the Spirit; a guide to get him out of this mess. :(

I wanted to have your advice on how he can best increase his "glimmer" and make it a light that outshines the darkness. Of course the normal gospel answers work; prayer, go to church, read scriptures... but is there more you'd suggest? Share your testimonies on this, especially if you can relate. :)


"i can't relate to you maybe to your husband at times when i'm trying so hard to break my addiction and i'm being successful i know i should be happy but i'm not.At times i feel so low but i always get better maybe it takes longer with others maybe one day your husband will turn around just keep praying for it. I always get back up when i see someone i love family,friends a girl lol it makes me feels like everything is worth it!"
posted at 09:16:41 on July 7, 2011 by Teddy
Push forward with faith    
"It took me months before I could feel the Lord's spirit near me. I felt empty and alone.

I hate to tell you this, but this is not abnormal. Although he is near to us, we sometimes cannot feel him b ecause we need to exercize faith and prove ourselves worthy. He needs to understand that faith takes time. Faith is hoping for things not yet seen.

He needs to pray unceasingly, work his recovery materials, meditate, serve others. When he feels the most depressed, he needs to go outside and find someone to help. It really works. I also find that playing with my children helps to briing me out of my dark funk.

This is but a small moment for all who endure. keep on plugging forward.

You need to work on you and not worry about him. Give him to God. For a codepend, the addict is the drug. Love the addict, be kind and let go, and let God."
posted at 09:59:55 on July 7, 2011 by Anonymous
I Agree    
"Patience is key. I really didn't expect to feel the spirit that much at first, just hoping for some small grace of God to help me to get on my feet again while I was weak. The spirit did come. I felt the spirit as I listened to "Come Thou Fount" by the Motab. It brought tears to my eyes hearing the lyrics "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Take my hear Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy throne above." (something like that). It reinforced my testmony that God is there to help me recover and he hasn't abandoned me (though I felt I didn't deserve it)."
posted at 10:10:49 on July 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Patience.. we all heal at different speeds    
"Im an addict. I did terrible things. And when I was in my control side of a shame cycle, I thought I could feel the spirit. The spirit comes and goes for me. It drives me nuts. In my humble opinion, when I'm feeling sorry for myself, feeling shame, feeling like a victim, I cant feel the spirit. I'm just now starting to feel the spirit on a more consistent basis. In the addiction, we learned to surpress feelings and emotions. In recovery, we learn to accept the feelings and to have healthy ways to deal with negative emotions. It's like we are a teenager learning how to deal with feelings and become a healthy adult.

We all heal at different speeds. The saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" applies here. As much as you want him to heal, you can't force him. I wish I would have had an Alma the Younger or Saul moment and get the angel with the 2x4 to hit me. It took much more before I hit bottom and truly wanted to change. I mourn daily that I was so prideful that it took me so many years to finally be willing to do ANYTHING to heal.

Pray for him. Pray with him. Pray that he can learn his triggers. Ask him if he can recognize his triggers.. ARe they boredom? anxiety? nagging? etc? Set up good boundaries and consequences like you would for a teenager. I still love you but....If you disrespect me, I will let you know. If you slip, you will sleep on the couch for 3 days, If you get angry or verbally abuse me or the children, you need to leave the house or I will. You arent doing this as a punishment but because good fences (boundaries) make good neighbors.

Us addicts HATE HATE boundaries. We were good at manipulation and getting around them.. Just like a teenager does. Be strong. Be the adult. Be patient. He will come around.

I bet you are scared if he fails. We all are scared. Faith is our weapon against fear.
May you find serenity."
posted at 10:53:41 on July 7, 2011 by Hurtallover
The flip side...    
"Recovering addicts love boundaries. They are what allow us the freedom to recover if we are already in a marriage or serious relationship. Part of having boundaries for me is staying on my side of the street. I don't dictate how I think my wife needs to heal or lend me support. In essence, I don't take her inventory. When I first started out, I had some clean time under my belt and thought my wife wasn't being nearly as supportive as I thought she should be. After all, I was doing all the right things! I was completely oblivious to the fact that she was sick now, too. Her healing needed to happen on her own timeline. Having boundaries in our marriage also means we withhold judgment on the others recovery. I know what I need and I know that it needs to be priority number one or else every other important thing will cave in eventually. So I go to the meetings I need to and accept that my wife needs to do WHATEVER she needs to do. I don't dictate who she tells about my addiction and I appreciate how she lets me go to meetings and meet with a sponsor even when it takes away from other important things. This goes for recovery. If I relapse-all bets are off.

I don't allow her to demean me and she doesn't allow me to demean her. Physical abuse is a deal-breaker. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. A slip on my part is my problem and I don't get to choose how she deals with it. I do what I have to do to recover or I pack my bags and spare her the drama of active addiction. This led to two separations early in our marriage. It wasn't fun but it was a boundary we had set down. Things are and have been very peaceful for many years now. We both do what we need to do for ourselves and somehow it brings us closer. Yes, we slip into codependency often. I have been clean for many years but I still consider myself pretty mental. I am selfish and self-centered, like a little kid sometimes and I am prone to bouts of anxiety. But it is absolutely possible to live a happy life with this addiction. My wife and I have both admitted to eachother on several occasions that we do not regret anything that we have gone through. It is really hard to believe because the pain is still fresh in my memory but it is like looking back on an old self that was innocent but so blind to what life was all about, and realizing that it was that awful part of the journey that opened our eyes. We couldn't trade the pain without also giving back what we've learned and that's just not worth it.

Recovery is possible. It takes daily work. But the work becomes a way of life and it is so rewarding."
posted at 16:35:13 on July 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Recovering addicts love boundaries!    
"Thank you Anon above. For as much grief that i have received on this site when I have discussed boundaries it is so refreshing to have someone validate boundaries from the addicts position . I believe it was Rugga who wrote that boundaries are the addicts worst nightmare and the recovering addicts best friend or something like that. So good to hear from recovering addicts that give hope and guidance to all. Thank you for sharing!"
posted at 23:40:00 on July 7, 2011 by Hero
my experience    
"I felt in the begginning when I first tried that the pull towards porn/lust was so huge that there was nothing I could do to say no but as I started to apply the gospel aka good primary answers: go to church and apply urself there instead of saying yep went to church good for me but use it as a opportunity to learn the gospel better or to fortify ur testimony better instead of fortifying friendships better, I started to do the same thing in attending arp. then after a while insteadof reading the scriptures just to say I did it I started to study thescriptures with the same purpose on why I go to church. Same thing with giving service. And gradually I started to feelthe Holy Ghost by bits and pieces and his influence in my life just keeps on getting biggerand more meaningful"
posted at 17:16:36 on July 9, 2011 by Joshua

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006