What to do now...?
By ConfidenceIn
7/1/2011 4:51:44 PM
Mosiah 4:2 — And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.
Ok, so first, I do know I need to adhere to the "C's." I'm trying, but not succeeding yet. BUT --- this is fresh, so I'm trying to give myself space so I don't end up self-loathing too much.

Anyway, with that above paragraph in mind... Here's some questions:

*When this has repeatedly happened w/o changes, and I find out that it is actually way worse than I was *honestly* told, do I need to get more serious with boundaries and perhaps ultimatums?

*If I want my husband back (not the porn filled addict), how long do I wait for that to happen? What is a fair amount of time?

*Is telling him I will leave him with our 4 young kids if he's not shaped up in 1 -1 1/2 years appropriate? It's what my Bishop suggested.

*How do I support him while I'm hurting?

*How do I support his recovery without minimizing the pain I'm feeling or minimizing his actions. I think that's what I did some of the other times.

*Do I give him what he "needs" in bed, or hold it back if I'm not ready to separate the thoughts of his sin and our love for each other? (Keep in mind, I actually love physical intimacy)

*Any other thoughts?


"Click on my name (hero) then scroll down to my favorites . You will find info on handling anger. And read Another Women's story of Healing. I found it an amazing tool."
posted at 19:00:00 on July 1, 2011 by Hero
"Hmm, I can't find the info on anger under your name/favorites. What is the title of it?
posted at 11:14:38 on July 2, 2011 by ConfidenceIn
Only 1 person knows the answer you are seeking...    

Based on what my therapists tell me, partners need to get healthy enough themselves that they can make good well thought out choices and not just react to their spouse. I think that my spouses recovery is just as important as mine. We both have to establish healthy boundaries and as my sponsor likes to say "Keep your own side of the street cleaned up. You have no control over what she does."

I wish the best for you and that you can find serenity. It's a sucky situation all around. Dr. Carnes pHD (look him up) suggests in his research that it takes a couple of years of good recovery to really start seeing lots of positive changes.

I really liked the book " He restoreth my soul" by Donald Hilton It really helped me to understand what I was up against as an addict. Hopefully deep down, your husband has a scared inner child that still hasnt figured out how to deal with fear in the form of stress, anxiety, whatever."
posted at 13:53:19 on July 2, 2011 by Hurtallover

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988