i did it, i talked to my bishop.... now what?
By taintedlove
7/1/2011 12:40:55 AM
I told my bishop just about everything. It was hard. Before i talked with him i had everything set up in my head but when i did talk it didnt come out as planned. I think i may have missed a thing or 2 but they were minor things. When i started talking it just all came to mind at once and i was trying to get it out but im not the best talker...... but i think i clarified things enough.

It was overwhelming for me. I almost cried but didnt. I know it was overwhelming for him. theres a couple of things that i told him that i never told anyone. This was a BIG step for me especially me having trust issues.

Before this talk hes been trying to get me into lds counseling. So now we're waiting on a call or email to let us know who the person is.....

What do i do now until then?

Its funny because we went through step 1 today. I never knew enmity could be pride. Not only can i be hateful or oppositional towards people who have wronged me but i am so to myself. I hate me most of the time. How do i fix this?

As im thinking on it...... its easier to say and feel hate than it is to feel love.

Im messed up. Am i fixable?


no title    
"I feel like an idiot to because the 1st paragraph in step 1 under action steps it was my turn to read. Idk but i ALMOST burst into tears. Its getting to the point where ive been trying not to self mutilate or bang my head on the dag gone table in front of me. The self mutilation is hard not to do. I did it as a teen..... i dont know anything!"
posted at 00:49:29 on July 1, 2011 by taintedlove
Yes, fixable.    
"You need to give yourself so much more credit than you are in these posts. You are wonderful! Change hurts. Oh wow does it hurt. I am going to blog tonight about change and it hurting.

I think it is easier to be hateful than loving - especially if we've been wronged. Hate is a pretty simple and straightforward action and feeling. Whereas love is SO complex! Give yourself time to be mad.

Just as I tell my kids, it's not the feeling that is bad. It's what you DO with the feeling that can make all the difference!

(((HUGS))) You are not alone."
posted at 00:57:12 on July 1, 2011 by ConfidenceIn

That rush of words and emotions as it all tumbles out is good, but it can leave you drained. The waiting for the next step is so hard. It almost feels like you need to have things back to back and can't wait for the next appointment or the therepist or whatever...but you can. Just have a plan of mini self evaluations along the way each day. My therapist tells me not to dwell on the things we talk about in between appointments. I find that writing helps me though if I do need to get something out while I am waiting.

About feeling like an idiot...I have a hard time with negative self talk. I will have such a negative inner dialog as I go through the day or sometimes I will sit infront of a mirror and say awful things to myself about how I am worthless and stupid. I have finally recognized how damaging that is and am trying to stop. I'll catch myself doing it sometimes in the middle of the day, thinking something horrible about is usually when I've been triggered by something, like being embarrassed or a confrontation.

I've learned I have to replace the thoughts. First, I say a desperate prayer and then I try and turn on good music. Then I repeat something positive to myself for a while and then I find something to do that will engage my brain. I don't care if it is read a book, or talk to a friend on the phone, or do a cross word puzzle. I've got to break away from the bad thoughts. Lately...I've been really busy! Let's just put it that way. But it is working.

My therapist says that people cut or self mutilate because they are trying to get themselves to feel something. It is a 'drug' and a form of self medication when you are feeling numb and confused. It focuses the energy. I believe that like any other 'addiction' cutting or negative self talk or whatever it is can be healed through Jesus. The 12 steps have helped me stay calm. I am really trying to work them. But you want to know something funny? I am only on step 2. I go back and read step 1 and step 2 and then back to step 1 and so on. I've never made it beyond those two steps. I think that is ok.

You are on the road. This was HUGE. Don't let the adversary discourage you after such a big and important step. Hugs!"
posted at 08:51:28 on July 1, 2011 by maddy
im a work in progress    
"Lately ive been listening to different conference talks on hope, forgiveness, etc. Ive been trting to build my testimony and feel the spirit.... thats my problem i dont feel the spirit. I dont even know how to. But hopefully i start my lds counseling appts soon. Because i feel a war inside me .... and its growing.
I used to get a chopstick and light it until the tip turned red and then put the point on my wrist. I think of doing that sometimes. Youre right i do feel when i do that."
posted at 10:56:11 on July 4, 2011 by taintedlove
This one's for you TL    

I loved this talk so much. It is long but it is worth it, especially if you are focussing on building/growing your testimony. He talks about the time it takes in part of it. It helped me a lot.

TL - I understand how hurting yourself is a way to get yourself to respond in this life when things are unmanageable. It is a way to provoke emotion, but you know and I know that it wont help in the end....what you are crying out for is positive emotion and security. You can walk through the 12 steps with this issue just like any other issue and IT WILL HELP.

Can I ask you something? Did someone you really love hurt you growing up? This type of issue often comes hand in hand with abuse in the don't have to answer. I don't mean to pry. Just ignore this question or say you aren't comfortable and I'll totally respect that 110%."
posted at 12:11:19 on July 4, 2011 by maddy
Past posts    
"Ok, I just looked back on your past posts and answered my own question. Since you CLEARLY have such strong, strong abuse in your past, I'll just share my experience FWIW

My father was horribly abusive too, sexually, physically and of course verbally along with the other too. Somewhere along the line, many of my siblings and I learned that when someone you love treats you with violence you start to associate love or the need for love with pain. I know it sounds weird but that has been a reality for us. It is almost like we reach out to be hurt, when what we really want is to be loved...because that is what we learned growing up. Three of my siblings are horribly suicidal and have gone the range of either hospitalizations to being committed against their will because of their repeated attempts. Two siblings are deeply involved in cutting and self mutilation. The only way I avoid it is desperately holding on to the Gospel, but it was hard wired in my memories. It is something I am seeking healing over and I have experienced a lot of the healing I need over the years. Because of these experiences though, I can bare strong testimony that God's grace has helped me think a different way and is changing my understand of love.

I don't want to project, and I am not trying to psycho analyze, but maybe, just maybe, the desire to hurt yourself may come from a deep need to be loved. Maybe someone taught you to treat yourself that way, but at it's core you just need security and gentleness that you never got as a child. The good news? That is available to you!!!!, but if you are anything like me, it takes a long time to learn how to allow yourself to feel love and be loved.

Again, I don't mean to project, but if there is even a chance it could be helpful then I guess it is worth sharing. If it isn't helpful then like I said before, just ignore it. Regardless of where our different struggles come from, my prayers go out to you. Hugs!"
posted at 12:39:30 on July 4, 2011 by maddy
"I'm glad you confessed i did talked to bishop two or three month ago and it looks like we had somewhat of a same experience.I know its hard to say things we wouldn't usually say but i'm glad you did.It shows a lot it shows you really want to get better.good luck :)"
posted at 18:35:49 on July 4, 2011 by Teddy
i confessed a couple of months ago....    
"I told my bishop about my past history about growing uo and some things in my adulthood. Things i never told anyone"
posted at 20:02:12 on July 4, 2011 by taintedlove

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987