For those hurt by SA, do you have a higher need for love making?
By ConfidenceIn
6/30/2011 4:41:41 PM
I've noticed that I'm struggling with thoughts and urges to m~sturbate. This has bothered me that it's been SO STRONG since finding out (again) about my husband's addictions to p~rn. More than any other time.

But, I made the observation (with my Bishop as well since I was concerned with past m~sturbation challenges) that this is why:

I'm insecure, hurt, betrayed, and everything else all those affected by their spouse looking at p~rn makes you feel.

I NEED so desperately COMFORT in a physical way. So, this need comes out so strongly that I've gotten these aching, making me sick urges for that.

It's so confusing for me though because I'm so mixed up about the p~rn and not wanting to be intimate with my husband, but if I don't, I hurt physically and mentally while fighting the urges and thoughts to m~sturbate! I told my husband this, and he said that he understands and would be there for me however I need him to be. I appreciate that, but I really don't know what I want as I keep going back and forth.

This time around, I thought I'd handle it so well, but it hurts worse as he lied (again and again), and was looking at everything wrong. He'd lied when I'd found him out before, and I thought he'd confessed the truth (as he said he did). But, he was making half-truths.

*So, do you have more urges (and perhaps overwhelming ones) for sexual comfort even though your spouse is struggling with a SA?


"Not even a little bit."
posted at 20:35:54 on June 30, 2011 by Anonymous
"Hypersexual, or hyposexual are all possible responses for a spouse. You are normal. Each person is different and each person responds differently. I would suggest that you make sure you have strong boundaries in place for your sexual intimacy. Here are some suggestions from D.Weiss
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries can be one of the hardest boundaries
to identify and maintain for partners of sex addicts. Being
around a sex addict just seems to make any sexual bound
ary they might have dissolve. Partners find themselves being
sexual without conscious knowledge that they don't want to
be. They become paralyzed by fear, and totally unable to
protect themselves. Giving away their power is their automatic
response to men, in general, and to sex addicts, in
Partners find themselves, time and time again, in a
powerless position. Each time they may strongly desire to
set a boundary, they are unable to. In that moment, they feel
like a child: frightened, alone, defenseless, unable to make
appropriate decisions and act on them. Afterwards they
blame themselves, not the sex addict, for the boundary
In recovery, each situation that involves a sexual
boundary violation, or any boundary violation, can become
an opportunity for standing up and strengthening yourself.

Sexual Boundary Violations

 Not respecting your right to say no to sex
 Touching you in a sexual way without permission
 Making demeaning comments about women
 Treating you as a sex object
 Criticizing you sexually
 Withholding affection and sex
 Exposing you to pornography
 Insisting you wear sexual clothing that you are uncomfortable
 Expressing interest in other women while with
 Sexualizing affectionate touch from you
 Unsolicited comments about your body
 Unwanted staring from a man
 Demanding sex, or certain types of sexual acts
 Minimizing or ignoring your feelings about sex
 Having affairs outside an established relationship
 Exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases
 Sadistic sex
 Making sexual jokes
 Buying you clothing that you are uncomfortable
with as a gift (This is really a gift for him.)
 Continually asking for a specific sexual behavior
that he knows you are uncomfortable with
 Being physically forced or threatened with harm if
you do not perform certain sex acts.

These lists are by no means complete. Boundary violations
are the rule, not the exception, in a relationship with a
sex addict. Don't be alarmed at how damaged your boundaries
have become. You may have been in some denial about
your situation for a long time. For now, just be aware that,
with time and support, you can repair your damaged boundaries.
(For more information on boundaries read Partner's Recovery
Guide, where it goes into great detail about reestablishing your boundaries.

I had to communicate my boundaries and then when or if they were crossed make sure I did what I said I was going to do.
Keep the lights on, or a candle, nurturing conversation, no dirty talk, looking at each other in the eyes, if he closes his eyes, get off. No objectifying.

Love and prayers to you."
posted at 17:03:39 on July 7, 2011 by Hero
Purity and Passon    
"Spiritual Truths about Intimacy, That Will Strengthen Your Marriage; Wendy Wason Nelson
Great book! I liked the process of healing our intimacy as we healed. I believe that intimacy is a gift of healing for both, but appropiate boundaries need to be in place with sexual addiction.
Our sexual intimacy is amazing now! Just want to give you hope. "
posted at 17:43:21 on July 7, 2011 by hero
"I think you are very brave for asking the questions you do. It is very honest."
posted at 05:45:48 on July 8, 2011 by maddy
Just a thought    
"A female LDS therapist my wife and I saw had a different take on mb. She thought it could be helpful if it is not used with porn, is not an addiction, not a misery stabilizer and is relational. By relational, I mean you think about being intimate with your spouse and don't fantasize about other people, pictures, etc. Also, there must be full disclosure and acceptance by both partners. When you think about the mismatch that often occurs in sexual desire/drive, this can help ease sexual gridlock. Mismatch is normal and there is always a low desire partner that controls sex whether they want to or not. David Scharch Ph.D's books are excellent here ("Intimacy and Desire" and "Passionate Marriage").

My wife is ok with this as long as there is no porn, is not excessive (addiction/misery stabilizer). It takes the pressure off her a lot. It also must be relational or not involve fantasies of others, etc."
posted at 11:47:34 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
LDS Therapist?    
"Personally, I never understood what the big deal is about MB. I was not raised LDS, and I just thought MB was normal.

Then my husband told me that he has to confess if he does MB. So, if a LDS therapist says yes to MB with certain boundaries, do you still have to visit the Bishop?

Just wondering"
posted at 12:21:42 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
Any thing sexual w/o your spouse    
"is prohibited by your temple covenants and is considered a serious sin. You will have no sexual relationship with anyone outside the bonds of your marriage. That includes yourself when you are masturbating no matter who you are thinking about. The goal of intimacy is, not to indulges and satisfy our urges. It is to bring a man and wife together!! An Lds therapist saying that would if known probably be sanctionned if they are working for lds family services. Lds Services would fire them, that is what my lds services therapist says.
Good luck and get more information on what the Lord thinks about intimacy. Why he created us like this. As with every decision, involve him in your sexual decisions, as well. By the way, being an Lds or a therapist does not make you an authority on what is right. Let the Temple be your guide and the words of the prophet."
posted at 12:42:27 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
"I agree - intimacy is to bring a man and wife together. But, how does this play out when one spouse want to be intimate once a month and the other every few days? You can see the gridlock that ensues. While the higher desire partner must learn to accept this, this can make for a difficult marriage. It's easy to take the higher ground if you're the lower desire partner that has intimacy when you want it. I'm just pointing out the struggle here and the difficulties."
posted at 13:00:39 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
"She was a therapist that happens to be LDS. Not affiliated with LDS Family Services."
posted at 13:02:53 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
"Hero- I don't understand. So looking at my wife other than in the eyes during sex, or closing them, is objectifying her? What if she is turned on by my body, is that wrong? Is it because I am an addict? Just wondering because I didn't think there was anything wrong with that."
posted at 17:51:22 on July 8, 2011 by Anonymous
Excellent discussion here.    
"Good info and stuff to ponder. The Temple Endowment has instructions in this area to ponder as well. I know that Adam and Eve were told to be happy. Misery did not start until Satan came on the scene. "See, you are naked - sew fig leaves together to cover your nakedness!!!
Sexual intimacy was given in the Garden of Eden. Satan perverts it. Can you imagine how burdened the Bishop would be if everyone in his Ward was lined up at his door to confess every little thing.... you know where I am going with this. Sex becomes a Sacrament in marriage. Outside of marriage it is just a bodily function that results in unwanted pregnancy. Within marriage it is the cement that keeps a husband and wife together. Used as a recreational drug it becomes very degrading and you feel bad and lonely and realize that sex is to be shared with your spouse. Pauls letters are filled with counsel about sex in marriage. I like what he said about how the husband has control over his wife's body and the wife has control over her husbands body. (I'll make you search for it) I like what it says in Liviticus 18 about the human body and nakedness. I remember reading a Brigham Young quote wherein he chided one of his brethren for criticizing a young couple who were showing affection for each other in public. Bro. Brigham thought that it was a beautiful thing to see a young couple in love with each other.

My ramblings...... thanks for the above posts. I am thankful to be in recovery so that I can really appreciate my wife. Elder Richard D. Scott said of his wife "I have observed the awesome feminine splendor righteous womanhood" when he spoke of his beloved wife in the last general conference."
posted at 00:17:29 on July 9, 2011 by 3R's
It's not about higher ground    
"It's about what the Lord wants for you. The world has a view on sex, the Lord has a view on sex. One of our tests in mortality is to learn to control our bodies. Gain, maintain and have dominion over our own body. That our spirits may dictate what we will do with our bodies. The difference in sex drives between partners is another test, as would be celibacy. Marriage was not meant to satisfy our sexual urges. It is there to help us become like God. To help us forget ourselves, deny ourselves and learn patience, charity and real love. Learn to be like Christ. A life built around sex is a life built around carnal desires, it only leads to selfishness and misery. I have had trough the years an up and down sex drives, it has not been constant. But the more I concentrated on the Lord and overcame my weaknesses, sex became less and less important. And then, I was able to see itn for what it was. Part of a life marriage, made of spirituality, emotionnal connection, children, friends, work, accomplishments, etc... but not a central figure anymore or even at all. If sex is too important in your life, you know there is an imbalance, an addiction to lust that is creating that problem in your life. What you need to do in my opinion, is focus all your energy on recovery, go to the meetings, work the 12 steps, learn about addiction, etc...
Good luck
Good luck"
posted at 09:03:50 on July 9, 2011 by Anonymous

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

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