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Is this something you've experienced?
By ConfidenceIn
6/30/2011 2:19:17 AM
So, my husband and I have never really been in a healthy relationship. We grew up with opposite family communication styles, which I know adds to the problems. His family fights and degrades one another. My family basically hides emotions that are negative at all. Both ways are entirely wrong.

My husband grew up in an abusive environment (verbal and physical), so he brought that to the table. I brought "perfectionism" to the table (among other things).

So, over the course of our 11 year marriage (Anniversary is today, June 30), there has been a lot of verbal abuse, off/on physical abuse, and then to make matters worse, the whole pornography thing that my husband brought in.

He's lied, then I found out, he lied to my face, and this has repeated over and over with the actual amount of pornography addiction being a lot more than what he'd initially had me and our Bishop believe. -> I just found out about the SA again on just 5 days ago, and our Anniversary is today (no plans).

***My question in the title refers to below - and applies to either husband or wife***

Do you, the person not looking at pornography, struggle with m~sturbation at all?
I believe I have because I feel I have no worth to my husband in so many ways that it is a comfort to me (of course not really though).

Do you want to look at p~rn to see what it's all about - what am I "missing?"
I was checking on his phone, and saw what site he'd gone to, then couldn't remove my eyes for just under 5 seconds. Then, I thought of the images all day. Unfortunately, it seemed to turn me on, and that totally disturbed me.

Do you want to cheat to hurt your spouse?

Are you mad or sad one minute, and lovey dovey the next?

In regards to m~sturbation, do you want to do it, but then decide to be intimate with your spouse w/ the SA problem? But, then during or after, you think about how much you are hurt by their actions?

***I'm so weirded out by these feelings/urges, but wanted to share them in case someone else was out there wondering the same...***

->Updated responses:
Thanks for your thoughts, you two. I wrote this really late at night and didn't have all my thoughts clear. lol

I don't necessarily want to actually cheat, but I hurt so bad that I want him to understand my pain (cause I feel he has next to no clue, no matter how many times he says he's sorry).

Thanks for the concern for my safety. Mostly now it's verbal abuse with punching the walls or banging doors. Even that has gone down, but it's nowhere near acceptable in my eyes. Unfortunately, I took on the traits as well, and have fought that addiction for the last couple of years (and have done much better, but still have room for improvement!).

And I figured out my m~sturbation thing... and will post that in another blog post of mine.

Comments:

DEAR CONFIDENCEIN    
"I have not wanted to cheat on my spouse, but I have said the worst possible things I could to make him feel pain like I have been through. Just so you know it really doesn't make me feel better and now I have to repent for my actions. As far as the emotion sad one minute then lovey dovey the next, my husband tells me I am like a roller coaster ride. But I think the further you get in your healing the less up an downs you will have. The intimate thing is still so hard for me because during I am so into it but then after I keep thinking of all the images he lusted after and that my body after five children does not compare. (satan talking) I just want to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings there are so many women dealing with this issue. I thought I was so alone until I came here and found so many other forums to be apart of. This issue is so widespread but is so hush hush. I will pray for peace for you and for healing for both of us because I have so far to go. But I do know that with out a doubt our heavenly father loves us no matter what path our husbands choose:)"
posted at 11:46:44 on June 30, 2011 by MOMOF5
Confindence    
"My issues tend to be more along the lines of anger and depression, but in the end of the day it doesn't matter what negative reaction we have, they are all tools of the adversary to grab us while we are in pain. Whether it is sexual revenge, or despair or anger they are all going to destroy us in the end if left untreated and we have to throw ourselves at the feet of the Savior for healing. These reactions are the natural man in us, but I believe that each of us is capable of a Godly response to this horrible challenge.

Stay strong in what you know is right, even if you don't feel it in the moment. Satan speaks in a big loud voice that screams at you in the moment. The Spirit speaks softly. I can usually tell what is the Spirit and what is not simply by the litmus test of what is shrieking at me and yanking me towards it. The Spirit doesn't shriek and it doesn't yank. It beckons and whispers. Anger shrieks inside me sometimes wanting to get out. That is so not the Spirit. Despair claws at me sometimes so sharply that I feel like I can't breath. That is so not the Spirit. No matter what our temptations are, we can never let ourselves fall prey to the wiles of the devil.

Find comfort and healing here and in a 12 step program. There is a way out of the hurt you feel right now.

One more thing...I am worried about what you said about physical abuse. Please, please, keep yourself safe and any children that you have. I grew up in a physically abusive home and just pray that you are alright. Get the appropriate help you need no matter what that is. Pornography is abuse to the mind and spirit and knowing you have physical abuse in your relationship too means that you are under attack on all sides. Please be safe!"
posted at 12:29:12 on June 30, 2011 by maddy
UPDATE    
"I updated my blog. Just easier for me to read this way instead of in subsequent responses. ;0)"
posted at 16:32:52 on June 30, 2011 by ConfidenceIn
i dont mess with porn    
"Ive seen it and yes it is stimulating but to be honest i dont need it. I have problems with masterbation but im a sex addict. Mb helps get me through when im not having sex. But i think both go hand in hand for me.

I am a soon to be ex spouse whose husband cheated in the first few months of marriage..... im vengeful. I ended up staying 5 more years and left this past august. He was abusive physically / mentally/emotionally.

I understand though.
Hopefully you get answers that eventually help you. I hope we all do."
posted at 01:13:26 on July 1, 2011 by taintedlove


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987