too long really!!!
By toolong
6/28/2011 8:03:05 PM
I will try to sum up my situation and a little of who I am. I have been married for 14 years and on my 2nd year of being married I found out my husband had been looking at pornography. Of course I flipped out... he promised it'd never happen,said he was sorry..the whole bit and I guess I chose to deny my husband could really has a true problem... We went on had 2 kids and in the mean time he got a new job traveling, being gone constantly and looking at porno constantly and drinking with his buddies occasionally.. he didn't really tell me I just kinda "knew"...then later found out how right my intuition was. I chose to ignore the problem and kept myself busy and tried not to think about him when he was gone until I could no longer bear it. By this time we were married for about 7 years and demanded we went to counseling.. He admitted to his problems beforehand but minimized them greatly. We went to counseling for abt. 3 months the counselor said he was basically "cured" we just needed to work on our communication and he knew we'd be moving and told us we no longer needed any couseling... So my husband will not even consider it. ever.
we moved out of state , so he didn't have to travel, he was sober for a few months. I went out of town and that is when it happened, when I went away to my grandfathers funeral. I cant believe how niave I was. I felt like my heart was again truely broken. I really thought he was "fixed" . I cried for days and read my scriptures constantly, finally went to the12 step program, which our bishop recommended. I helped me a ton although I have a far ways to go still I've learned so much since then. My husband got into it a little and then quit. He began traveling again with apromotion and he has been on a roller coaster since and usually messes up when traveling (he's gone 1/2 the time)
He has gone to a counselor for himself a few times and now claims he hasn't messed up since... like in 4 months.

My gut says otherwise... I am so uncomfortable around him suddenly. I love it when he is gone. he pesters me constanly to have sex even after surgery. Somethings wrong. When I inquired him about this feeling.. he got defensive... when he's gone on work trips on his off time he goes out to lunch with his co worker that is another woman... when i suggested this was putting himself in a bad position after already spending countless hours in the car with her he got defensive... very defensive and said there's nothing wrong with it. i was the one with the problem.

anyway, i am seriously considering separating with him as i have considered in the past. i worry about my kids and how i will make this work.... it's been too long with no change of heart.


"has anyone gone through this for so long?"
posted at 20:56:27 on June 28, 2011 by toolong
"Listen to your gut feelings. They are correct. The first feeling is usually the truth speaking to you. Then the doubts creep in. Things like, Oh, I am being too paranoid. I am just suspecting him because I don't trust him. Those thoughts are called doubt and denial. Both are spoken by the adversary.

About separating, that is a very prayerful tthing for you, and only God can get you to the truth of what you should be doing.

Something is wrong, don't ignore those feelings. And don't expect an addict or a person having an affair to tell you the truth. They usually have to get caught red handed before they even start to tell the truth. Sorry to say this, but your husband sounds very sick with sin.

Above all else, trust in the Lord. Stay close to him and work on your own healing.

I wish you the choisest of God's blessings as you endure this trial. "
posted at 21:15:17 on June 28, 2011 by Anonymous
So sorry    
"for your pain. I think you are living with a full blown addict who has not hit rock bottom yet. They usually decide to change when they feel they are loosing something important. You have to make some decisions. You can not change him, control him or cure him. You must be careful not to enable him. Only you know if he is using you. If you feel used, you are being used. Becareful, your chidlren need you to be sane when your husband is so crazy with his addiction. Do not let his addiction make you crazy too. Continue to get help for yourself, set some boundaries, get a good lds therapist specialized in sex addiction and co-dependency for yourself. But do not just accept to suffer. Get yourself on spiritual high grounds, so you can hear the voice of the spirit guiding you in what you are suppose to do. Take care of yourself and of your children. When I discover my husband's addiction, I told him that he needed to be filll the void left by my husband. I belonged to him and this life is very temporary and only a test. My husband was another child of God, but a very messed up one, confused and crazy. I could not let his actions destroy my life and my peace. I set some boundaries and a time limit. And accepted that my marriage was not in my hands, I could loose it trough no fault at all from my side, but that the Lord would take care of me and of my children no matter what.
I will pray for you,
posted at 21:57:02 on June 28, 2011 by Anonymous
My gut feeling:    
"Dear Toooooooo Long! Yes indeed, it has been too long. I am a grateful and covenant honoring Priesthood holder who knows full well the hold that pornography has on your husband. I can remember a little piece of history about the Prophet Joseph Smith, how when he heard that a man was abusing his wife, The Prophet went to this impish little man and roughed him up and threw him into a ditch. I am paraphrasing but I feel the same way. Your husband needs a wake up call. All of us addicts do, especially when it comes or pornography. Some call it an intervention. Whatever the case, the above comments from ANONYMOUS are good advice. Sometimes I hear of a sister going to her Bishop only to be told that she is over reacting. One sister that I know personally had a husband who convinced her that it was her duty to "minister" to her husband/lord every single night, even when she was sick. He would quote scriptures and shame her into compliance. This is soooo wrong. I would suggest that you network in your 12 step group and find out who would be a good therapist/counselor to talk to. I would also include a lawyer in my preparation.

He has already crossed the line in the sand. You will wear yourself out trying to find out who or where or with whom he has been with. Brigham Young (and I am paraphrasing again) said that a spouse does not have to follow her husband to hell.
So, let that "MaMa Bear instinct have full power and protect yourself and your cubs. His addiction is like a poison that will surely infect the rest of your family.

Normally, I counsel sisters to be patient and firm with their errant husbands. My gut feeling tells me differently with your case.

God bless you and please stay in touch with us."
posted at 23:41:36 on June 28, 2011 by 3R's
"Oh wow!
Thank you so much for your support and replies. I don't tear up too often but you all brought tears to my eyes. I have been told so many times I just need to be patient and follow the commandments and things will work out. I am sure they do in some cases. My bishop has told me not to break up my family, its eternal.

When talking to my husband he says I need to put all this behind me and trust him and if I cant I am the one with the problem...

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. I want to do the fathers will and do whats best for my kids and I. I cannot live like this.

Anyway, thanks again!"
posted at 00:06:37 on June 29, 2011 by toolong
Do not believe your husband's words    
"Only believe his actions and listen to the Lord.

Your Bishop, although well meaning has no right to place guilt on you. If your family is broken up, you are not the one doing it!

BTW, it is completely inappropriate for your husband to travel with or so much as have lunch with a woman other than a close blood related family member, or you his wife. No exceptions! He has the priesthood, he knows it's wrong. A man who honors his God and honors his would never think of doing this, let alone rationalize it. "
posted at 00:21:24 on June 29, 2011 by Anonymous
Good advice    
"There is nothing i can add to what has already been said because it is so spot on. I can relate though and offer my support and my concurrence to what the others wrote. Trust you instincts. Detach from his issues and focus on healing yourself. Work with a therapist for YOU and a 12 step group for YOU. Pray. Pray. Pray. The Lord will guide you in this. Set the boundaries you need to keep yourself and your children safe even if your husband is in a negative direction. Stand your ground.

I am glad you found this site. I've been married to a porn addict (among other things) for 13 coming on 14 years and have tried everything to 'get him to change'. Nothing has worked....nothing ever will work that I can do. The more I change ME though, the happier I am despite his addictions. My peace and sense of worth is growing daily. I have hope that he will change, but I am not waiting for that day. I am living a beautiful life (not without pain) and believe that anyone can regardless of the type of adversity they face.

Hugs to you and welcome.
posted at 11:04:09 on June 29, 2011 by maddy
sounds like classic addict behavior to me    
"Good on you for reaching out.

Shame on him for treating you like a fool you are not.
The scriptures talk about fools and the foolish quite sharply.
There is nothing more foolish than the addict mind.

Good luck"
posted at 12:06:24 on June 30, 2011 by ruggaexpat

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"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation‚ÄĚ. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006