By momof5
6/24/2011 11:43:57 AM
I know I have come to you guys over and over again with questions. But I am still struggling. My husband was addicted to porn in secret for 10+ he said he he never looked every day and only masturbated 2 to 3 times a month. He says he never looked at child or homo. He says he does not have a problem or craving anymore it is completely gone. It has been 14 months since that fateful day when I walked in on him. He does not get on the home computer ever and he gets on the work computer but it is monitered by his boss. He does still watch tv after work but it is hgtv and those channels. He says he feels like I am trying to control him and he needs somethign to look forward to after a long hard day. We went to counseling for awhile but then we stopped because the counselor just kept telling me I needed to forgive or else the marriage would never work. I have only know the real truth about his addiction for about 6 months truly because I dug on the computer for hours for the truth. By the way my husband only ever google his sites and then erased them so it was hard to find. Anyway I asked my husband to go to the 12 step meetings with me and he said absolutely not. He had already confessed everything to a bishop, but just so you know the first time he spoke to the bishop he lied. So he has done some of the booklet but does not do it anymore. He said the reason he got started into porn was because he was bored and curious. I have prayed everyday to my heavenly father to know of he really is telling the truth or not. I have finally put my foot down and made some boundaries. I have not gotten an answer to whether I stay or go. He has been trying really hard in the marriage to give me affection, help out with the kids, and buy me lots of stuff. I just want to know will I ever know if he is completely past the lust and addiction?And is it possible to just stop cold turkey even without the meetings and a sponsor? I think heavenly father did not have me find out about his addiction until now because I would not have my 5 wonderful kids. But I have never had some much sorrow and hurt in my life until now. I will never understand why my husband wanted to stare at a computer screen then to be with his wife lying next to him in bed. I always thought my husband will never do that but if only I would have put a filter on. But when we first got the internet there were no filters available he was hooked after seeing for the first time. Please give me some input!! MOMOF5


Our husband's addiction has triggered a sickness in us.    
"The solution is sometimes hard to hear. It is not a matter of asserting more control or more safeguards, it is about seeking recovery for OURSELVES. Momof5, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this. I know you can't believe that right now but get into the practice of reminding yourself of the "Three C's" that are crucial to our recovery as spouses. First we didn't CAUSE this addiction. We can't CONTROL his addiction. And finally, we can't CURE his addiction. So what are we to do?

We seek out help for our own sickness. I know it can sound downright insulting. "What??? But HE'S the one with the problem!" Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he has been completely healed from his addiction. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we need to learn how to live a new way ourselves. It is possible to live our lives not consumed with where our spouse is in his addiction. It is possible to become OK with and accepting of WHEREVER he may be in his addiction or recovery. But it takes work and a whole lot of humility to get there. The reward is that we become better people than we were before. There are miracles available to us, too. Not just the addict. You have the opportunity to get in on a brand new fellowship of LDS women who are recovering from this devastating heartbreak. Please consider seeking out an LDS ARP Spouses group in your area. If you don't have one in your area, you can go to SANON. They have an almost identical program. You will find wives who have been where you're at and who are willing to show you a way out of the horrible depression and help you feel some peace. It doesn't matter if the addict in your life is still steeped in his disease or in recovery. Ironically, when we seek help and live in recovery ourselves, it makes it very uncomfortable for the addict to be around us and still stay active in their disease. It is so common for wives to get help themselves and the addict to follow suit shortly thereafter.

Some people would have you believe that the answer is to step up the pressure on the addict and step up the monitoring of their behavior. That never works. The answer is to switch the focus to the only thing we do have a little bit of control over-ourselves. We leave our husband's recovery (or lack of it) in his hands and move on with getting well ourselves. Good luck, momof5"
posted at 15:07:42 on June 24, 2011 by Anonymous
Thank you for Sharing    
"This is amazing advice. Thanks for taking time to post it!"
posted at 18:23:05 on June 24, 2011 by Anonymous
I know how hard it is    
"I know how you feel. And I wish I could be there and help you more. You are going trough hell, I know. You must get help for yourself. You need to talk about it and you need help. Find ARP or SAnon. I know you feel so insecure and crazy. You want a garanty that he is clean and will be clean for life. I wanted that and still want that, but I can not find it anywhere. Even after my husband says he has been absolutely clean for more than a year. I just am not sure. Will he be clean for life, I do not know, and I do not even think he does, thou he swears he is done.
I found peace in detaching. As I went to ARP, I found peace and healing. However, educating yourself on addiction is important, Donald hilton book (he delivered my soul), really help me understand more about the addiction. Now, I am not like some anon, I can not live with an addict or someone that only says he is recover with no help. Reading more about addiction, we understood that an addiction is extremely hard to break with no help. Most lasting recovery comes with ARP and therapist. Recovery is hard work and they need the help of other addicts. They are not only recovering from addiction, but healing from the sources of their addictions.
I would have struggled to stay with him if he did not take his recovery seriously by going. Thou, he has been clean, he goes to help and sponsor others. I had decided that I could not live with an addict or with someone who did not make recovery his life. Now, I know that I can not read his mind, but I do feel he is on the right track. Those boundaries, have helped me feel safe in my house and helped to concentrate on my own recovery. I have been attending ARP for a year and I love those meetings. Working the steps really has brought peace to my mind. I know I can not control him. I have accepted that this marriage can end if he decides to pursue his addiction. So I say, no pressure, no monitoring. But set boundaries and get some help, go to ARP no matter what he says. Get help for yourself and detach from his behaviors. After I had set some boundaries. I gave myself time and I detached and left God to fix him and fix the marriage.
hugs to you"
posted at 19:07:17 on June 24, 2011 by crushed
"I've missed reading your posts. I'm so glad that you are doing well. You're awesome!"
posted at 19:21:09 on June 24, 2011 by Anonymous
"I don't have any answers for you. But I wish I could give you comfort just like you said to me the other day...I wish I could reach through the monitor and hug you.

What is that quote that Hero says, "Addicts behaviors, not words."

I like that quote. But I think that for me, I've found that I can't trust in my husband at all...not his behaviors or his words, I just try and trust the Lord. I can't do this on my own judgment and so I have to lean entirely on God. This isn't about my husband and me. It is about my God and me.

The other ladies are right. Go to the meetings if you haven't been, keep going if you already are attending. This is not about your husband getting better. This is about you getting better.

Like Crushed, I keep trying to say to myself "Detach. Detach" over and over again, like a mantra. It is the only way."
posted at 11:49:24 on June 25, 2011 by maddy

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002