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last week
By taintedlove
6/24/2011 11:02:45 AM
My bishop talked with me. I gave him this site and my username. In a way thats kinda how i told him about my past without telling him. Sad part is I didnt have alot to say back. Mainly because ive been tired due to work and school. I just wasnt focused. But he did something i appreciate. Im wasnt supposed to participated in partaking in the sacrament until the end of august. He changed that to july because he saw my response to a discipline councel post. I spoke on how sacrament drove me to do better and how i felt renewed every time i took of it. I was seeing change. Then when the sacramet was removed i didnt have that. I know what the sacrament means and i know i have to be worthy. But the sacrament is also like being rebaptized and i mentally rebaptized myself when ipartook of it. Therefore i set goas i did better.

Not partaking of it has made me feel worse. I dont feel like i have a chance of anything.

So my job is now to try, just try, to do my best. And if i feel i have i can partake of it. If i dont think i have then i dont.

I have gotten worse in my addiction since then. Not in sex but in masturbation. Although i have fallen in sex a couple of times. But im going to strive. I dont want to be ex'd out of the church. I want to be temple worthy. I want to do good. Be something. I want God to look on me on judgement day and say "My child, its been a rough road but youve made it and you are made anew."
I want to know that I was worth the atonement.

I want to feel the warm embrace of our brother who suffered the atonement and hear and feel that Im worth it.

Ive never felt worth it. Even when i wasnt in my addiction. But im going to strive for it anyways.
I may be a jezebel or a gomer now. But i will not be later. I will be what my name stands for. A person who is of worth. It will take time.

Thaanks for putting up with me everyone

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