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last week
By taintedlove
6/24/2011 11:02:45 AM
My bishop talked with me. I gave him this site and my username. In a way thats kinda how i told him about my past without telling him. Sad part is I didnt have alot to say back. Mainly because ive been tired due to work and school. I just wasnt focused. But he did something i appreciate. Im wasnt supposed to participated in partaking in the sacrament until the end of august. He changed that to july because he saw my response to a discipline councel post. I spoke on how sacrament drove me to do better and how i felt renewed every time i took of it. I was seeing change. Then when the sacramet was removed i didnt have that. I know what the sacrament means and i know i have to be worthy. But the sacrament is also like being rebaptized and i mentally rebaptized myself when ipartook of it. Therefore i set goas i did better.

Not partaking of it has made me feel worse. I dont feel like i have a chance of anything.

So my job is now to try, just try, to do my best. And if i feel i have i can partake of it. If i dont think i have then i dont.

I have gotten worse in my addiction since then. Not in sex but in masturbation. Although i have fallen in sex a couple of times. But im going to strive. I dont want to be ex'd out of the church. I want to be temple worthy. I want to do good. Be something. I want God to look on me on judgement day and say "My child, its been a rough road but youve made it and you are made anew."
I want to know that I was worth the atonement.

I want to feel the warm embrace of our brother who suffered the atonement and hear and feel that Im worth it.

Ive never felt worth it. Even when i wasnt in my addiction. But im going to strive for it anyways.
I may be a jezebel or a gomer now. But i will not be later. I will be what my name stands for. A person who is of worth. It will take time.

Thaanks for putting up with me everyone

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987